Let’s face it, dressing
up down as some glorified slut is so overrated. Girls, I’m tired of seeing your ass cheeks, your cleavages, and your exposed everythings every Halloween. I guess I’m just hopelessly waiting for the time when it will be trendy to dress classy for Halloween. In an effort to offset the amount of bare skin that will be shown this halloweekend, I suggest a few costume ideas. Come on, you know you haven’t chosen your costume yet… and really, the choice between sexy kitten and sexy kitten isn’t REALLY a choice. Just listen to my advice and pick one of these! You’ll be just as irresistible as Brad Pitt in the new Chanel No.5 commercials (which isn’t that irresistible at all really)… trust me.
Iris Apfel. One thing is for sure. You’ll be as stylish as hell. Throw on a pair of thick, circular glasses, some obnoxiously large jewelry that dominates your tiny frame, some loud prints, and maybe a fur coat and youre golden my dear. Extra points if you wear a white cotton ball headed wig.
Edith Bouvier Beale. Admit it. You watched Grey Gardens. Being Jackie O for Halloween is so overdone… so why not be her crazy, derranged, cat lady cousin Edie? Throw on a head scarf, show a lot of leg, carry around a cat, and voila… youre the fabulous, just a bit unstable and less famous Bouvier. Mother dahhling, you look mahhhvelous.
Maria from the Sound of Music. You have so many options here. You can be Maria the nun – and wear a habit – boooooring (Maria Von Trapp is equally as boring), or you can be nanny Maria, dress out of curtains, or just any old prarie dress. How do we solve a problem like Maria? Why, fashion the outfit with an acoustic guitar, a picnic basket, and an ever so fashionable floppy sunhat, and there you have it.
Queen Elizabeth II. Obviously a great excuse to wear a crown and white gloves. Typical Queen Lizzy style requires white stockings, and a colored skirt suit. BONUS: Depending on the color of your skirt suit, make a matching colored hat – complete with feathers, jewels, embellishments, what have you… You can switch from crazy cool hat to crown all night long.
Hermione Granger (before she got hot). This is Easy. As. Pie. Typical Harry Potter wizarding costume – uhhh, sweater vest with white collared shirt, tie, and some kind of cloak/cape… duh. Tease the shit out of your hair, add in some Granger sassiness and like magic, youre Hermione.
Lady Edith, Lady Mary, Lady Sybil Crawley. From Downton Abbey obviously. If you don’t know who they are, youre dead to me. You could even try to dress up as the staff of Downton Abbey, like Anna Bates. And NO, wearing a French maid outfit certainly does NOT count.
Frida Kahlo. Ironically wear one of those colored infinity scarves from Urban Outfitters on your head, a long skirt, pencil on a unibrow (bonus for a bit of upper lip hair), and call it a day.
Yeah, don’t ever complain to me that you don’t know what to dress up as for Halloween.
- The weather’s getting warm here in NYC. It’s time to flash those pretty legs and bare arms! Skirts, tanks, sundresses, shorts, sunglasses. So lovely. Summer weather and summer clothes though, so CLASSY.
- With the lovely weather comes a lot of nuisances. Especially in NYC. There’s an art to not sweating your makeup off on the subway, trust me. Also planning outfits accordingly so when you go from the hot, gross, humidity outside to air conditioning blasting in a room, you’re prepared. These, my friends, are #HotProblems…. This recent video, however, entitled Hot Problems, is, in my opinion UNCLASSY. Seriously? Booo freaking hoooo life must be so hard because you’re so “hot”. I really hope that this is a joke video… not two girls really hoping to become like, Rebecca Black status.
- Speaking of music, lets switch it over to GOOD music. Last month Coachella kicked off the 2012 music festival season. Lollapalooza, Outside Lands, Bonaroo all have great things in store. Lovely people, lovely music, a lovely time. Enjoy responsibly CLASSY.
- Who doesn’t love getting wild, crazy and wasted while listening to AMAZING music? It’s all part of the experience at music festivals. But when you get to the point where you’re acting like the infamous, albeit funny, “Girl at Ultra” humping trees, etc.. then you cross a line my friend. Poor thing. UNCLASSY
- We all know the Met Gala is the classiest event of the year for New Yorkers and celebrities, fashion and the art world alike. Red carpets omit classiness. As usual, there are always fashion faux pas. Take for instance, Leighton Meester, who – under normal circumstances, I typically love. Her Marchesa confection she donned at the gala was beautiful… the rest of her, not so much. I’m in a tough place deciding whether her beautiful dress outweighed her tanning / self tanner mishaps, or whether the self tanner got ahold of Leighton and attacked her. What do you guys think?! CLASSY? or UNCLASSY?
- Supposedly, Snooki quit tanning and is opting for some self-tanner lotions instead. You go girl! In other tanning news, the tanorexic mom of NJ, scares the living shit out of me. The only reason I stopped having nightmares of her was seeing Kristen Wiig on SNL impersonate her. Bringing your children (as in younger than tweenage) to a tanning salon, UNCLASSY.
- North Carolina passing an amendment stating that “marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state”, thus depriving people, regular citizens, of a right. UNCLASSY.
- Obama, on ABCNews taking a stance and endorsing the marriage of same-sex couples. CLASSY.
Stay classy my friends.
- Fighting over a cab/upstreaming someone when trying to get a cab/fighting with your cab driver. The absolute WORST is when someone upstreams you, and acts all oblivious about it when clearly theyre acting like a douchebag and they think they can get away with it. GTFO. I understand and can tell if youre a tourist and have no idea / the slightest clue of cab courtesy, but sometimes, UGH! UNCLASSY.
- “Hey girl… I just saved you from getting hit by a taxi”. I mean, that’s not exactly what Ryan Gosling said when he saved some lucky bitch of a reporter from getting hit by a New York taxi cab… but I like to think that’s what he said, all smooth and shit. Look at you Ryan Gosling, saving people, breaking up fights… it’s like NYC has their very own vigilante. (If you haven’t seen the video of him breaking up the fight, I totally suggest it and encourage your procrastination and aimless Internet surfing.) As if he wasn’t classy enough in my book, all this hero stuff makes him even more so. CLASSY.
- Levi Johnston impregnating another girl. Um, did I miss the part where he and Bristol Palin called it quits? What a classy guy. NOT. But hey, at least she’s only 20. WHAT? UNCLASSY.
- Turning 20, so you don’t qualify for “Teen Mom” anymore, and you officially beat teenage pregnancy. classy. Kidding. That’s really not something to be commended. I mean, it is… not having a baby as a teenager, but in this day and age, its the sad truth. Um, Hillary Duff had a baby with her hubby – last I thought of her, she was pretending to act in A Cinderella Story . On the topic of famous celeb babies, because everyone keeps up with the most fashionable famous baby… be sure to wish little Suri Cruise a happy birthday April, 18. If there was ever a child who personified classiness, glitteriness, and style, it’d be this babycakes (Okay, she’s not a baby, she’s what, 6? Same difference). Happy Birthday Suri Cruise, may you be as CLASSY as ever.
- Violence caused either by racial profiling and/or appearances and/or the type of clothing one wears. Violence in any case, UNCLASSY. This Trayvon Martin case is really perplexing and hard to really understand without having actually been at the scene of the crime. The suspected killer, Zimmerman is said to have killed Martin because he “looked” suspicious, particularly because he was wearing a hoodie. What really irks me is that this is a shit excuse. Athletes wear hoodies, I wear hoodies, even Bill Belichick wears a hoodie on the Patriots’ sideline… but no one’s ever confronted me, or Belichick for being suspicious looking, let alone shot us for wearing a hoodie. It’s really infuriating the way things are!
- Congressman, Bobby Rush of IL getting thrown off of the House floor for wearing a hoodie – protesting Trayvon’s shooting. CLASSY. Just when I thought that everyone in the American government was a pushover, irresponsible, and ineffective, although this was such a small action, I think it meant a lot. Rush did look pretty bad ass, taking off his coat, and donning a nice hooded sweatshirt, and putting on a pair of sunglasses. The reason why he was thrown off of the House floor is unbeknownst to me, apparently there’s a rule against not wearing hoods? What the fuck ever. Again, the American government works in their wonderous ways…
Have a wonderfully, classy day!