It’s awards season! Quite possibly one of my favorite times of the year. Celebrities, dresses, designers, red carpets, etc. But red carpet drama / award night drama is for another post (TBD). Its a magical and wonderful time! If you look past the beautiful dresses, celebrities, Oscar snubs, and WTF WHY IS TAYLOR SWIFT THERE?, then you remember that the movies are the real reason for these shenanigans.
5. The movie you wish was around when you were learning American History in middle school: LINCOLN
Obviously if you remotely remember anything you learned in you preparatory years of schooling and American history, you know the basic plot line of this. Lincoln was so more than a tall ass dude that wore big hats and freed the slaves. He had to deal with Sally Fields’ constant nagging, and having Joseph Gordon Levitt as a beautiful son that they didn’t want to lose. Also, did you catch the parallel of the US House of Reps then vs. now? Yeah, theyre still a bunch of quibbling, old, idiots who don’t get shit done.
4. The movie that stunned Hollywood and showed people that actors can act… and kind of sing too: LES MISERABLES
Tears. Thats what I emitted from my eyes after Anne Hathaway’s “I Dream a Dream”. I’m not an emotional person, but this did it for me (Let it be said that by for some freaky reason, the only other movie I cried in was Ladder 49… Such manly emotions from Joaquin Phoenix and John Travolta. I couldn’t handle it). People will bitch and moan about how Hugh Jackman and Russel Crowe etc. can’t sing. But if youre a real Les Mis fan, you were just ecstatic to see this in movie form. Oh, and Eddie Redmayne was easy on the eyes too.
3. The movie that showed me my inner sassy spirit animal: BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD
THIS CHICK! What’s her name? Zkjasnuqi Wldsafue? Kidding. Quvenzhane Wallis is like a nine year old girl, wearing her big girl/sassy pants who KILLS IT in this movie. This movie was super indie, which is probably why I loved it so much. Its an amazing story line that revolves around the balancing of the universe as seen through Hushpuppy and the southern delta community she lives in.
2. The movie that made Americans go “DA FUQ?! That happened?!”: ARGO
1980s style fashion, clandestine operations, and an amazing cast including John Goodman and Alan Arkin. Ben Affleck obviously needed to redeem himself after his JLo period (read: failed marriage and failed movie Gigli). Boston Ben did WERQ in this movie! It was amazing… historical, educational, great cast, and all of that shit that the CIA didn’t want you to know about. Speaking of which…
1. The movie that was the most stressful 2hr37min you ever experienced whilst clenching every muscle of your body including your butt cheeks: ZERO DARK THIRTY
Seriously OBSESSED with anything CIA related. Honestly would consider being in the CIA… but that would require being recruited, being smart, knowing like umpteen foreign languages, not being afraid of guns, and being extremely smart. All of which aren’t my thang. But like I’ve said, clandestine operations (conspiracy theories, political secrets, etc.) give me a lady boner. Throw in a mission executed brawny Navy Seals (of which included Taylor Kinney, I died), and the amazing Jessica Chastain as the gutsy, sassy, heroine, and I’m sufficiently satisfied. It also helped that Kathryn Bigelow directed another one of my favorites, Hurt Locker, so obviously I was bound to be in love with this movie. GO SEE IT! IT’S YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY.
*Sadly I didn’t see Silver Linings Playbook yet, thus cannot attest to its greatness. But I’m positively sure it belongs on this list too.
Queen Elizabeth celebrated her 60th Anniversary on the throne this year. Thats a big fucking deal. Imagine being dedicated to something for six decades. Mmmhhm. Speaking of those classy Brits, this year they also hosted the 2012 Olympics, where the world fell in love with Tom Daley, and the rest of us gazed in awe at the Fab 5. This year we also learned what it was like when inanimate objects were personified over Twitter, when Curiosity landed on Mars. This, was probably one of the most adorable moments of 2012 – my heart melted. Funny enough, this was the same time I realized I had a heart. Who would’ve known! Remember when that
senile old lady in Spain wanted to restore an old ass fresco of Jesus’ face in her church and it was soon dubbed the “worst restoration job in history”? By far, my favorite story of 2012. You BET her 2012, was much better than yours. She is now an “artist” in her own right, and her work is now notorious. What else could you ask for? [Read more about the Ecce Homo Restoration]
Relive the Best of KISSMYSASS in 2012 (according to analytics):
Predictions for 2013:
- Jenny McCarthy will wake up and realized the dude that her Twitter followers elected for her to kiss on live TV on New Years Eve gave her a bad case of oral herpes. (Also, was she drunk out of her mind on NYE?! Please discuss.)
- Paisley makes an even stronger resurgence than it already has. My dream has then become complete.
- The KimYe baby will be birthed. Never ever be as classy or cool as baby Suri or Blue Ivy. Also, Kim K will never lose the baby weight, thus making her ass look somewhat normal.
- People will realize Hillary Clinton is BO$$. Not just as a lady. In general. Overall bad ass-ness
- PSY will write a song in English. And inspire a new dance movement similar to Gangam Style. It will also include the riding the horse movement.
- American Idol will receive its lowest ratings as of yet. Considering Mariah Carey is a host, and she only knows how to sing with her hands. So naturally if you don’t know how to sing with flamboyant hand gestures, you will not be liked by the Glitter diva. Nicki Minaj is also a judge… I find her frightening when she is not with her little posse of 5 year old Sophia Grace and that blonde one.
- 50 Shades of Grey movie will materialize. Thereby letting you see the true colors (get it?) of your middle aged mom, moms friends, etc. Cringe inducing? Very much so.
- Les Miserables will win like, a million awards. One which should be titled, “Most Adorable Brit with Freckles On His Face and Oh Yeah He Sings Okay Too”. Additionally, it will be the year of said recipient, Eddie Redmayne. He’ll step outside of the realm of Burberry modeling and Masterpiece Classics and become a mainstream heartthrob. [Google Image Search: 'Eddie Redmayne Burberry' ...you're welcome]
- Women will again find their rights infringed upon in the public sphere and in politics. This will (already have) create a resurgence of feminism/post feminism. Thus sparking the Great Debate of the twenty something females: “Am I a Feminist? Or Not?”
- Everyone will realize Washington and Colorado knew what they were doing when they legalized Mary Jane.
- Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift will come to a realization that their worlds don’t revolve around the opposite sexes. They’ll say, Imma do ME this year! and be single, and stop polluting the radio / mainstream music industry with their music about the boy / girl in their life.
- Beyonce will KILL IT at halftime in the Superbowl.
- Following the example of the Tupac hologram from Coachella will be a Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix hologram, who will go on tour with Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr and the rest of the holographic Beatles. You’ll have to pay your first born for tickets to this concert. Think the Hurricane Sandy Relief concert, 121212, times 572.
I have plenty of other predictions for 2013. But we’ll leave it at that. I’m calling it now:
2013 is about to get really weird.
I am an honest person. This is an honest blog. I would never lie to you or myself, for that matter. That being said, my New Years Resolutions are not full of unattainable bullshit I have no desire of actually doing. I will not vow to go to the gym every day or lose 10 lbs by December 2013 or will I resolve to eat healthier because truth is, it aint happening. So instead, I’ve decided on a few, pretty attainable resolutions for 2013. By New Years Resolution, read: my sad attempt at being a better person, but what does it matter anyways. Will I forget them? Probably. Most likely. Absolutely.
- Lessen dependency on social media. I’m clearly addicted. Has a 12 step program been invented yet? It certainly doesn’t help when you’re majoring in media, culture and communication and minoring in web development… you’re essentially surrounded by the Internet. It’s kind of inescapable. Often I find myself turning into a zombie, just staring at my Facebook newsfeed full of the unimportant things people I don’t care much about are saying. Then 2 hours later I realize, What the fuck am I doing? I couldn’t give two shits about this person’s day. Just being honest. But seriously, I’m going to attempt to slowly outphase my addiction. Kind of like a baby weaning off the nipple.
- Take school a little more seriously. Actually… take LIFE a little more seriously. I tend to make a joke out of everything. Clearly, it’s my coping mechanism and how I get by day to day.
- Stop being a flake. This year I used too many excuses, “Sorry long day at work today”/”I have a paper due tomorrow”/I don’t feel like human intenraction right now, etc. when In actuality I’m in bed watching netflix, getting takeout, and eating infront of my computer whilst browsing Craigslit Missed Connections.
- Be a nicer person. This includes working on my perpetual bitch face. This year I’m going to try to not wear my PBF 24/7. We will see how this goes. By nicer person I mean stop treating everyone as if they are just as miserable as I am. By nicer person I mean to acknowledge the people around me, rather than act as if they don’t exist. It’s a work in progress.
- Show people I care. I’m terrible when it comes to expressing human emotion… or any kind of compassion / caring / love. This too will be a work in progress… we’ll start with getting used to getting and giving hugs without being awkward this year… I think that might be an attainable goal maybe?
- Eat better. No, not healthier. Well, that’s in the works too. But eat better meaning it’s okay to TREAT YO SELF!
- Give up on sleep completely. I’ve long accepted the fact that I’m an insomniac. What I have trouble accepting is that I can, in fact function on little to no sleep. I force myself to sleep sometimes, with the help of sleeping pills and melatonin. 2013, I vow to let sleep come naturally, if it happens, it happens. If not, it’s totally okay to be sleep deprived for months at a time. It’ll be fine. I’ve tapped out of this battle.
- Spend less money. Live like I should be on the streets. Keyword to 2013 will be minimalism. HA. If you know me, you know this word is absolutely not in my vocabulary. But we’ll try at it. Try saving some dinero.
- Swear less. Probably the biggest complaint about my writing, and about how I speak in general. “You swear too much”, “Did you just say that?” etc. It doesn’t phase me to be honest. I swear a shit ton. Did it ever occur to you people that maybe, just maybe, I’m naturally a crass and vulgar person? … Wait, who the fuck are we trying to kid here. This is not going to happen.
What is YOUR New Years Resolution for 2013?
I’m sure my blogposts throughout this coming year are bound to be evidence that I have been unsuccessful at my set attempts to be a better person this year.
Cheers to you 2012. It’s nice to call you over and done.
10. Michael Phelps makes me emotional. Yeah so maybe I shed a tear after his last swim. SO WHAT. And maybe I cried a bit after I found out he’s dating blonde
model swimming groupie Megan Rossee. Feelings of sadness, loss, grief, etc. I will never love Lochte the way I love(d) Phelps.
09. Ralph Lauren does not suit Team USA. Time to exploit how douchey Team USA is. Lets make them all roll out wearing all white with douchebag hats, and long ass skirts, and white socks and shoes. No wonder other countries hate us… we look like grade-A douches. But I must say, at least we didn’t have to wear those obnoxious red/white fire of the dragon track suits Russia had.
08. McKayla Maroney is a betch. Who knew she was a top notch betch? This whole viral meme she’s got going on is not only hilarious, but also shows her true betchy side. Girl knows what she deserves and will bitch about it all she wants. She also has her own entourage that consists of best friend Kyla Ross. Oh and she loves taking selfies on Instagram.
07. I would actually do anything to hang out at the Olympic Village / party with the athletes… like sell my already emotionless soul.
06. The Chinese are INTENSE. Comment from a Chinese Olympic diver in the WSJ about the Chinese system of picking athletes at a young age for national training centers: “Sometimes, I get to see my family every other year. If the competition schedule is not that tight, sometimes I can spend a whole week with my parents in a year.” Did anyone see when that Chinese dude, Qiu Bo, had a bitchfit because he won a silver fucking medal? Seriously? I’m half Chinese… shouldn’t that mean I should be a fraction as intense as the Chinese olympians? Hmmm… I guess it doesn’t work that way considering I’ve never been 1/100 as intense about anything in life as the Chinese are about the Olympics.
05. Everybody loves the underdogs. Lola Jones’ comeback, Oscar Pistorius, non Americans in swimming… so what if they didn’t do that well… you still rooted your ass off for them, didn’t you? Everyone loves a good story.
04. Posh Spice is a Goddess. Not that you didn’t know that. I mean, DID YOU SEE HER? Yes, the Spice Girls reunion was amazing, but lets be honest, all I care about is Victoria fucking Beckham. Who the hell is her surrogate, because I seriously cannot comprehend how that little beautiful thing could have popped out four spawn children. Its unfathomable to me.
03. The 2016 Summer Olympics will consist of hungover, wasted athletes… according to the party Rio threw on stage at the closing ceremonies. There is NO WAY that the Olympic village in 2016 will not consist of multiple carnivals/fiestas.
02. Samuel Jackson is either illiterate, cannot type on his phone, truly speaks the way he tweets, or is just crazy. No wonder Apple asked him to do a commercial for them… I can only imagine him dictating his tweets to Siri, “Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS.”
01. My life thus far has no significance. Probably a majority of these athletes are under the age of 20. Take for example the fab 5… who took gold this year. They probably haven’t even hit puberty yet or had their first menstrual cycle, and already are getting endorsements and being paid for just showing up. In a perfect world, I would’ve been paid years ago for just showing my face. Don’t even get me started on Missy freaking Franklin. Girl hasn’t even started her senior year in highschool and already has a world record and gold medal to her name. Want to know what I had to my name at the age of 17? $500 and a first generation iphone. Additionally, at the ripe age of 20, I have yet to meet an 18 year old that looks like British diver Tom Daley. What the actual fuck. Its like the Olympic athletes are mythical creatures we watch and hear about, but never actually encounter.
In other news, it’s been confirmed that Serena William is actually a beast.