Wow. I wonder if my ass would look THAT good in those pants. Wait. Do all of these guys have great asses like that? Oh. Never mind. Damn. You can actually see his cellulite dimples! Like, Every. Single. One. I wish this wasn’t a high definition TV. Do I have visible cellulite dimples? OH GOD. There’s an ass I’d like to see… the quarterback. Everyone loves a quarterback. Why are they 99% of the time the most attractive person on the team? DON’T HIT HIM! His face is too pretty to be sacked. Well, that’s just rude. Why is that guys hair so long! Can’t someone on the other team just like, pull it, and we can call it a day? Thats gross. Anyways, back to the quarterback. He’s so assertive. I like that in a man. I mean, I know I’m not A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend, or a cheerleader, or groupie, but I wouldn’t mind dating an NFL quarterback. Yeah… wouldn’t mind a bit. OH JEEZ. Did you see that hit? Is that guy alive? Is he dead? I would be dead if I just got hit like that. Actually, I’ve been thinking about this. Scenarios if I were to get hit by an NFL linebacker (with a lot of tattoos, long hair, and 200lbs bigger than me): A) my body would just turn to dust. Poof. Gone. B) Paralyzed for the rest of my life or C) THEYD HAVE MERCY ON ME AND SWERVE. But seriously. These football players are serious business. But WHY are they so big? Is it necessary? Like maybe they should consider weight classes for football leagues. Shit gets outta hand. If we threw in a hockey mentality about fighting, the result would be
Fight Club. But at least theyre wearing a lot of protection. Can we talk about that for a second? I’m trying to think about how fun it would be to put on full body protection and pads like these guys wear, and a helmet, and just go around and crash into things, run freely, not worrying about falling down and getting hurt. It seems so… carefree. It must be nice to make a living off of being athletic and carefree. No wonder NFL players have so many misdemeanors, felonies, etc. Wait, that guy killed someone? Oh god.
Oh it’s that AT&T 4G commercial that I absolutely love! You know, the one with the kid who can pat his head and waave his hand at the same time? If I ever have one, I want one like that.
FINALLY! SF gets more than recognized as a kickass, trill, city. So Bloomberg gets the ball rolling here… Yes, San Francisco is a beautiful (albeit chilly) costal city, but the views are to die for. At the same time, I’m sick of out of towners (and even locals) complaining about how “chilly” San Francisco is. BRING A FUCKING SWEATER. You’ve been forewarned. You’re in northern Cali-fucking-fornia… not L.A. … No one likes L.A. anyways (sorry ’bout it SoCal readers). So good old Bloomberg is right, “this coastal city packs in so much—from world-class restaurants and museums to community fairs and music festivals, a large educated class, and an improving economy”. Damn straight. But let’s be real, they only scratch the surface of the city’s well deserved name as 2012′s Best City.
For the ranking, Businessweek.com once again teamed up with Bloomberg Rankings to evaluate data on 100 of the country’s largest cities. We looked at leisure attributes (the number of restaurants, bars, libraries, museums, professional sports teams, and park acres by population), educational attributes (public school performance, the number of colleges, and rate of graduate-degree holders), economic factors (income and unemployment), crime, and air quality.
Leisure, education, economy, crime and air quality… all aspects in which San Francisco legitimately owns 99 other cities in basically. I came up with a few other things as well (in no particular order) that define The City (the term coined by locals), or Frisco/San Fran (term coined by tourists):
- Wassup Silicon Valley? San Francisco is located only a short drive from the Valley… the Mecca of tech nerds, the birthplace of all things Google and Apple, etc. It’s safe to say San Francisco is always in the know technology-wise.
- Beautiful, luscious green. Only the finest… Fields….Parks. And, you know…Green/Purple what have you.
- Speaking of green. San Francisco may be the only city where weed is legal, and plastic bags are not. SF leads the way in all things eco friendly and green. How dare you go into Whole Foods without your reusable bags! Prepare to be shunned by hippies/hipsters/granolas a like.
- You won’t find a cooler hippie life anywhere else. The O.G. hippies can be found all around Haight, and of course those wanna be hippies.
- Foodies galore. The best meals I’ve had surprisingly haven’t been in NYC. Always in SF. Always the best fucking food ever. Danny Bowien’s delicious Mission Chinese in the LES taking NYC by storm? That shit started in San Francisco. And while (even though I like to think that) food trucks and street food probably didn’t originate in San Francisco, I’m pretty sure SF does it best. For all of you lucky ass sons of bitches who are fortunate enough to be located in SF, you MUST check out Off the Grid’s mobile food pods/markets. Like, right fucking now. It’s probably comparable to Brooklyn’s Dekalb Market. Just as many hipsters, just as much good food.
- Again, on the food hype… mexican food in San Francisco / California… Nothing will ever compare. EVER.
- Sorry, one more plug about food… It’s said fusion cuisine started in SF. You’re welcome world.
- Free love! SF is the birthplace of the gay movement. What better way to celebrate that every year at the Gay Pride Parade by dancing around naked in front of the Civic Center? That being said, the city is all about not judging, embracing everyone, and loving all. San Francisco’s got that beautiful thang going on.
- Where else can AZNS, yuppies, hipsters, and hobos get along? Seriously. Where? … Yeah, that’s what I thought.
- Mark Twain supposedly has said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco”. For real? As I’ve said before, people need to stop hating on the climate in SF, and start appreciating. It’s called a Marine fucking layer. What else do you expect when you’re surrounded by the Pacific Ocean?! The City by the bay, sorry we’re not a fucking desert. Get over it and appreciate. Its lovely, okay?
- SF sports teams. The SF Giants, the SF 49ers (I will neglect to mention the move to Santa Clara – that shit be weird). Our sports teams are top notch, and have both been to their respective playoffs within the last 5 years. Golden. Even bigger plus? They support each other too.
- It’s Cali-fucking-fornia. Is there a better state?
I left my heart in San Francisco.
- Their name sake. Obviously. I don’t think I’ve been able to look at another guy with the same name as one of my exes and not have queasy / uneasy feelings or nostalgia. Hearing the name makes me A) want to run and hide, B) puke until my stomach is inverted, or C) just teleport to my bed, take a xanax and sleep it off. To say a strong reaction results is a huge understatement.
- Bon Iver. I’m currently trying to still listen to Bon Iver without thinking about the emotions tied with certain songs. Goddammit, Bon Iver, why do you have to be so lovely and emotional and heart wrenching? Oh, its hipsterlove.
- Being an avid sports fan. I’m very loyal to my local home teams – the SF Giants and the 49ers. Meeting other people in New York means clashing with fans of different teams. Being a girl, they expect me to dial down my enthusiasm so they can exert their superiority and pretend like their team is the best and they know what they’re talking about. This is rarely the case (me dialing down my enthusiasm, and other people knowing what they’re talking about), so I either compromise my sports fan ideals for a man (its rarely reversed), or move on.
- My Birthmarks/Freckles. One of my exes always pointed out every little sun spot or freckle or birthmark (what is the difference), I had all over me… some I didn’t even know existed. It was real cute… until they admitted their ex had one in the same spot I did. Now I’m left constantly wondering if my ex will say to their next girlfriend, “My last two ex girlfriends had a birthmark right there”. I mean, that’s totally something you go over when you cover all the bases the first date, right? In the meantime, I can totally laser remove this birthmark, right? AKA Can I wipe away this terrible memory?
- My Expectations of Foreign Men. Highly exaggerated? Probably, yes.
- My Hair. Someone once helped me convince myself that it’d be a good idea to cut my hair into a short A-line bob. It was cute for a bit … but I’d rather have not been convinced (It SUCKS trying to figure out a way to put your hair up – all those layers, all that shortness.. don’t even get me started on the hassel its been growing it longer). Unfortunately I can’t blame that one time I died my hair red/copper color (an subsequently resembled a Japanese tourist) on a significant other or man of my past… my own fault.
- Man-Oogling. A bunch of the guys I’ve dated have been extremely jealous. Even to the point where I’d be watching TV and comment on how hot Jon Hamm, or Ryan Gosling, or Robert Downey Jr. is looking, and he would blow a gasket and legitimately get upset about the fact that I wasn’t concentrating such energies in telling him how hot he looked. Ridiculous, right? Anyways, every time I look through magazines or watch TV etc. I feel incredibly guilty thinking such thoughts about good looking men. Like, Aaron Rodgers will come up on TV, and I’ll stare and drool for 5 seconds, and like a dog trained by an electric fence, jerk my head away and hush those bad thoughts. Kidding…slightly.
- LUSH Dirty Soap. The smell – a cross between spearmint and Old Spice, gives me nausea. Thanks to a great employee discount at LUSH, I’d often buy Dirty Soap (one of the products streamlined for men) for man friends. I’m not sure if they actually liked the smell/soap, or if they had too much fun saying “I’m going to the shower to get Dirty” or “I’m a Dirty boy” or “Dirty boys need to get clean”, etc. (okay I threw in a few I made up on my own, but you get the picture), either way, they used it, so with my great employee discount, all I smelled was Dirty! Now the fumes just make me want to projectile vomit.
cheers to singledom and being haunted by your past!!!