The day had finally come. M rolled over in bed to look out the window. She sighed. It was grey and cloudy outside and rain was looming over the city. Typical. She rolled her eyes and flopped back onto her pillow. Closing her eyes she thought, by tonight I will be back with California, as she reminisced over the sun filled, happy days they spent together. California was warm, optimistic and always welcomed her back with its warm embrace. California was safe.
As she started to get out of bed she watched New York in its peaceful slumber. New York on the other hand was cold, and made her both confused and excited at the same time. New York showed her highs and the depths of her lows. Just like the LCD Soundsystem song,
New York I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down
The unpredictable part of New York was something M both loved and hated about it. California, on the other hand, was always there… Dependable. It wasn’t to say that she took California for granted. Absolutely not. When New York showed her its worse with its bipolar weather and exhausting her day after day, M longed to be back in the warm embrace of California. It was natural. After all, she had been with California for most of her life. She knew California like the back of her hand. New York, she still had to get used to.
She and New York had only been together for about two years, but it seemed like a lifetime. They adjusted quickly to each other, making it easy for M to fall in love with New York. How could you not? Everyone that met New York loved it. People who hadn’t, longed to meet it. Some even aspired, dreamt, to be with it one day. And here M was, she had New York. But she wondered, was this relationship sustainable? Would it last? Could it last? Their time together had been, in fact, short. However, M felt as if New York was the new true love … even though she never envisioned anything being as important to her as California was. Their relationship was exciting… every day she’d learn something new about New York, she was constantly learning more … about herself and even about others. That’s the thing about New York… it kept her on her toes.
California made her happy. New York made her feel alive.
Maybe she’d never belong to either of them.
*as expressed through instagrams & ironic/nostalgic prose.
As the Holidaze are approaching, and I am soon flying home to spend time with family and friends back in California, I am preparing (as you should be too) for the inevitable questions that will arise from my/your homecoming. Friends, family, awkwardly distant relatives, your parents’ friends/coworkers, acquaintances, old class mates, etc. will ask you questions, in an attempt to catch up. But to be frank, people either ask questions to A) hear themselves talk, B) so you’ll ask them the same question and they can then talk about themselves, C) are genuinely interested, or D) to engage in small talk because thats the social thing to do. Yes, I’m a cynic, but what can you do about it. With the people that ask questions only to tune you out and wait until youre finished talking, so they can talk about themselves, you can often answer their questions with some imaginative bullshit, and have a great time with it. “So whats your biggest goal in life?” Well, I’d really like to explore the underwater caves of the Great Barrier Reef, sleep with Robert Downey Jr, consume 5 cheeseburgers in one sitting sans regret, ride an ostrich, and write a book. “Wow, thats so great of you. Good luck. I’m hoping to start my own business…”. Blah blah blah. But not everyone is like that of course. Some people genuinely care. Which is why I remind you of my sarcastic nature in which I write this post. So with that, I present to you, the Frequently Asked Questions for the Holidays and KISSMYSASS’S response.
How is school going?/How are you liking your classes?
Well, school is just absolutely superb. 50% of the time I am avoiding doing work, 45% of the time I’m cramming to finish the work I had previously avoided, and the 5% of the time I’m watching Netflix. Or sleeping. Or eating. It’s a busy life I tell you.
How is New York City?
Its great. Real great. I spend hundreds of dollars shopping, a fraction of my day are dedicated to riding the MTA next to smelly, germ infested strangers, and theres a lot of shitty weather. Like rain, once a week. And bums yelling outside my window at 4am.
Do you ever see (insert name of person you went to middle school with who also lives in NYC)?
Um no, I don’t. Because for all I know, they ceased to exist after we went our separate ways and started high school. Also, in case you didn’t know, New York City has over bazillion people, why the fuck would I make an effort to keep tabs on this one person?
Are you working? / Hows work?
No I’m not working. I still live off of the generosity of my great parents. What? I am absolutely not a spoiled brat! Other response: Work is fan fucking tastic. I get paid a bare minimum, and struggle to make ends meet. You know the saying… working to live? I’m living it.
Isn’t it expensive living there?
Um, you might as well ask me, “Do I have a brain?”. Yes! Of fucking course! Between paying off my credit cards, catering to my (online) shopping habits, buying over priced foods, having a coffee addiction, having a cupcake addiction, buying shit I need and buying shit I don’t need… yeah its expensive.
Did you lose/gain weight?
Well, fact of the matter is, it depends on the given day. 5 minutes ago I ate like 4 of those hor d’oeuvres, you should try them theyre really good. So I probably gained like two pounds since I’ve walked in here. Did you all of a sudden become obsessed with the health of every single person you encounter? What does it matter to you? Are you doing a study? I should be flattered, but this is too much. Actually, I’m flattered if you asked me if I lost weight. On a scale of 1-10 what is the level of drastic change you see? 1 being “you look the same as you did in your prepubescent years”, and 10 being “like dayum, youre a whole new person!”
What are your plans after you’re done with school?
AKA youre asking me if I have my life set up. You’re trying to be polite and cordial about it, but I see through that. The answer is NO. I have no plans, no aspirations, no goals in life. It’s a toss up once I graduate college. Other responses: Sigh.
Are you seeing anyone? / Have anyone special in your life?
This is probably about the 82nd time someone’s asked me this since I’ve been home. If by someone special, you mean the manager / guy who smiles at me with pity who works at 16 Handles FroYo, then, yes. Yes I am… I see him once every few weeks… every week if we get real crazy up in here. Other than that, no. Clearly I’m a misanthrope. I rock being forever alone. Other responses: Break down into a fit of tears while sobbing “Why can’t people just understand that at this point in my life I’m just trying to DO ME?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” -This will teach the asker, and everyone in the vicinity, to never ask you that question again. Thus turning this into a “sore subject”.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS REGARDING THE HOLIDAYS:
- Is it okay to pass out at family functions/dinners? Yes. If its that dreadful that you’re drinking that much, save yourself (and others) and just fall asleep on the nearest couch. Blame it on the tryptophan in the turkey. Oh, it was chicken? Oh. Well, I’m still getting used to the three hour time difference.
- How do I avoid boring small talk / awkward conversations with distant relatives / acquaintances / friends? Find the nearest dog, or cat, and pet it. It will be your next best friend throughout the party/dinner/gathering.
- I don’t like children. But my family is full of them. How do I survive? Avoid eye contact. Or smiling at them. I find children are very receptive to smiles. Don’t do it.
- My significant other is coming home with my for the holidays. Help! Just introduce them as your “frrrrrriend”. Everyone will get the picture. Trust me, your family will be so overjoyed someone outside of your bloodline cares about you (thus taking the burden off of them) that they won’t even question it – or say anything. You’ll probably piss off your S.O. by introducing them as your “friend”, but who cares.
- I can’t stand my relatives’ cooking. I feel like I’m being force fed when I go over, and don’t want to be rude. How do I avoid it? Don’t eat there. Duh. Say you’re on a diet. Better yet, you’re training for a marathon and need to watch your caloric intake. Or that you’ve developed an allergy to gluten. Or that you have a stomach ache.
Well, there you have it! Happy Holidaze! Feel free to submit other questions you need answers to. Because obviously someone values my input.
FINALLY! SF gets more than recognized as a kickass, trill, city. So Bloomberg gets the ball rolling here… Yes, San Francisco is a beautiful (albeit chilly) costal city, but the views are to die for. At the same time, I’m sick of out of towners (and even locals) complaining about how “chilly” San Francisco is. BRING A FUCKING SWEATER. You’ve been forewarned. You’re in northern Cali-fucking-fornia… not L.A. … No one likes L.A. anyways (sorry ’bout it SoCal readers). So good old Bloomberg is right, “this coastal city packs in so much—from world-class restaurants and museums to community fairs and music festivals, a large educated class, and an improving economy”. Damn straight. But let’s be real, they only scratch the surface of the city’s well deserved name as 2012′s Best City.
For the ranking, Businessweek.com once again teamed up with Bloomberg Rankings to evaluate data on 100 of the country’s largest cities. We looked at leisure attributes (the number of restaurants, bars, libraries, museums, professional sports teams, and park acres by population), educational attributes (public school performance, the number of colleges, and rate of graduate-degree holders), economic factors (income and unemployment), crime, and air quality.
Leisure, education, economy, crime and air quality… all aspects in which San Francisco legitimately owns 99 other cities in basically. I came up with a few other things as well (in no particular order) that define The City (the term coined by locals), or Frisco/San Fran (term coined by tourists):
- Wassup Silicon Valley? San Francisco is located only a short drive from the Valley… the Mecca of tech nerds, the birthplace of all things Google and Apple, etc. It’s safe to say San Francisco is always in the know technology-wise.
- Beautiful, luscious green. Only the finest… Fields….Parks. And, you know…Green/Purple what have you.
- Speaking of green. San Francisco may be the only city where weed is legal, and plastic bags are not. SF leads the way in all things eco friendly and green. How dare you go into Whole Foods without your reusable bags! Prepare to be shunned by hippies/hipsters/granolas a like.
- You won’t find a cooler hippie life anywhere else. The O.G. hippies can be found all around Haight, and of course those wanna be hippies.
- Foodies galore. The best meals I’ve had surprisingly haven’t been in NYC. Always in SF. Always the best fucking food ever. Danny Bowien’s delicious Mission Chinese in the LES taking NYC by storm? That shit started in San Francisco. And while (even though I like to think that) food trucks and street food probably didn’t originate in San Francisco, I’m pretty sure SF does it best. For all of you lucky ass sons of bitches who are fortunate enough to be located in SF, you MUST check out Off the Grid’s mobile food pods/markets. Like, right fucking now. It’s probably comparable to Brooklyn’s Dekalb Market. Just as many hipsters, just as much good food.
- Again, on the food hype… mexican food in San Francisco / California… Nothing will ever compare. EVER.
- Sorry, one more plug about food… It’s said fusion cuisine started in SF. You’re welcome world.
- Free love! SF is the birthplace of the gay movement. What better way to celebrate that every year at the Gay Pride Parade by dancing around naked in front of the Civic Center? That being said, the city is all about not judging, embracing everyone, and loving all. San Francisco’s got that beautiful thang going on.
- Where else can AZNS, yuppies, hipsters, and hobos get along? Seriously. Where? … Yeah, that’s what I thought.
- Mark Twain supposedly has said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco”. For real? As I’ve said before, people need to stop hating on the climate in SF, and start appreciating. It’s called a Marine fucking layer. What else do you expect when you’re surrounded by the Pacific Ocean?! The City by the bay, sorry we’re not a fucking desert. Get over it and appreciate. Its lovely, okay?
- SF sports teams. The SF Giants, the SF 49ers (I will neglect to mention the move to Santa Clara – that shit be weird). Our sports teams are top notch, and have both been to their respective playoffs within the last 5 years. Golden. Even bigger plus? They support each other too.
- It’s Cali-fucking-fornia. Is there a better state?
I left my heart in San Francisco.
Being back home for the summer is really refreshing. Not only do I get a little break from the madness and craziness (yet loveliness) that is New York City, but I also get to spend some time with my family… and my dog. Being back in suburbia is quite lovely, the weather is beautiful, its nice having a car (not so nice dealing with the crazy gas prices), and nice to see old friends. Home cooked meals, sleeping in my own bed, watching my favorite baseball team – are definitely a plus. As much as I miss NYC, as they say, there’s no place like home!
What are YOU thankful for?
Dear New York City,
This year with you, New York, has been amazing. Weird men, weird dates, weird people, weird things… good thing I’m weird, and I’ve completely come to terms and embraced that fact. I’ve realized, that its not my dating adventures, or relationships that define this whole year… it’s my relationship with you, New York. You will never be one of those scorned men in my book, instead, I will speak of you fondly, laugh with my friends as I recount our memories, tell my parents that I’ve always been in good hands. Let me be clear, New York, just because I’m leaving for more or less four months, doesn’t mean this… what we have, is over. We’re just taking a break. Thats all it is. I need to revisit my relationship with California for a bit, just to see if being with you is a set in stone thing… I’m thinking about our future together, forever, New York City, I really am. Besides, I know you tend to get quite, how should I say… uncomfortable, during the summer months. It must be the restless tourists that are exploring you. Trust me, I wouldn’t want them all over me either, and I’ve come to despise the fact that they take advantage of everything you have to offer. And you, my New York, have A LOT to offer. It has definitely been a growing year for me, I’ve had my ups and downs, as have you (I’m sure you don’t like the fact that many people are “OCCUPY-ing” you as we speak), but we get through them. Our start together was a bit rocky… I met you during Hurricane Irene, what.. a … bitch. She raised hell, but in the end, she was all talk, no action… needless to say, I still fell in love with you.
I am so glad I made the decision to transfer schools, move out of the suburbs of Philadelphia and into your open and (maybe not always so) welcome arms. It was the best decision I could have made. Anyways, New York City, as I am enjoying the beautiful weather here in California, I am fully aware that you miss me – the rainstorms and upcoming thunderstorms are a telltale sign – don’t try to hide it. I miss you already too, the close proximity of everything, the people, I miss all of you. But in a few months, we will soon be reunited. Oh how wonderful it will be.