I’ve spent the past 48 hours in bed with multiple sicknesses, so naturally I’ve been clicking through my instant Netflix queue, catching up on some online articles I’ve been wanting to read, wearing out my Kindle, and watching stupid YouTube videos. Obviously. One thing led to another and soon enough I found myself on skinnygirl’s YouTube channel. If you don’t already know, I’m probably the biggest fan of every thing skinnygirl makes… getting inebriated without the caloric regret? I’m all for it. In fact, I love the brand so much, I could be their fucking brand ambassador. Recently they just came out with a new line of skinnygirl wines and natural flavored vodkas – which quite FRANKly (Get it? It’s Bethenny FRANKel’s -my idol’s – company) I could do without to be honest, although after trying them all, the cucumber flavored skinnygirl vodka is probably my winner. I’m more of a ready to serve cocktail girl – White Cranberry Cosmo, White Peach Margarita, and the Sangria too of course. Why? Because they’re easy to drink, no mixing, no muss, no fuss, just alcohol. Anyways. Along with their new line of wines, the company has recently began a new marketing ploy, with slogans like “Drink Like A Lady”, and all of these How To Videos by skinnygirl, which I’m a  bit skeptical of – due to the fact that they could have a MUCH better spokesperson …. ME.

In this commercial “A lady ALWAYS wears sensible shoes”, “remains poised”, “practices good posture”, and “knows how to cocktail”. It’s a cute commercial, don’t get me wrong. Granted, it juxtaposes a 1950s looking housewife to a group of 20something girls having fun and shows the contradictions. I love it. But the irony is in the 1950s portrayal of the woman at the beginning of the commercial. I get it, I get it, the company is focusing on how they are “modern”, yet if you delve deeper into their ad campaigns and videos, you’ll find they have A LOT of updating to do. For instance, this video “How To Order A Drink Like A Lady”:

First of all, the very TITLE of this video is insulting! What do you mean, “Like A Lady”? I’m not getting into feministic things and all that shit, but really? This chick’s first rule to Ordering A Drink Like A Lady is to Make Eye Contact and Smile. Easy enough. However, what she says next pisses me off, “Lets face it, when was the last time that icy stare got you anywhere?”. Bitch! NEVER underestimate the power of a bitchface. Seriously. You don’t even know where a perpetual bitchface can get you (the answer is: all sorts of great places). Also, she says this while attempting to put on her own ugly bitchface on, that really doesn’t work. Rule #2, Treat Your Bartender Right. Yeah, yeah, blah blah. Rule #3, Understand Your Audience, she goes into what drinks you should order at what places… which is absolutely appropriate. Or you can just stick to vodka sodas and G&Ts and call it a day. Quite possibly the most bothersome of this whole campaign skinnygirl has, is this chick in the video is outright ANNOYING! I’m in no position to say she isn’t pretty, or that her makeup could be MUCH better, or that red lipstick DOES NOT work on her, or that her bun could be a lot more classier/prettier, but for real? This is the best they could do? Why the fuck didn’t they just use Bethenny Frankel for godssakes? Why wasn’t I casted?

With that, I present to you “New Rules for Girls Night Out”, starring the same obnoxiously annoying chick. The red lipstick is still on, she still hasn’t gotten the memo that her glossy red isn’t doing it for her. Perhaps the funniest part of this video is the shit this chick says. “Spend the evening conversing with friends, and having great conversation”. What a novel idea! Did anyone check your transcript before you filmed this shit, because that was extremely repetitive. The biggest gem comes when she tells viewers, “Its 2012, it’s time to buy the guys a round of drinks”. Okay, sure. I’m all for being the go-getter. But honestly, that’s the benefit of being a woman, is having drinks be bought FOR you. But I get the being aggressive thing, its sexy and smart. The funny part is, when they show the guys getting the drinks, its none other than skinnygirl’s California Red (or possibly Rose which would be even more embarassing to get), either way, I can’t imagine a guy would be all that flattered to receive that. In fact, you’re writing yourself off by sending him a skinnygirl drink basically. The guy in the video pulls the bottle out of the chiller all happy and shit, then looks at the label and is probably thinking “What the fuck is this shit? Is this a joke? Is this for real?” then the chick’s voice comes over saying, “it’s a totally classy move and I’m SURE you’ll get a response” Notice, she didn’t say positive response.

So let me conclude with my elevator pitch to Bethenny Frankel as to why I should be the face of skinnygirl cocktails:

Well Miss Frankel, can I call you Bethenny? Okay good. I absolutely love your products, every single one of them. I’m a skinnygirl conoisseur, from your premixed cocktails, to your new wines to your cucumber flavored vodkas, I am a huge fan. I’m also a huge fan of you too. When you and Jill Zarin had that HUGE fight, I was Team Bethenny ALL THE WAY GIRLFRIEND. But that’s besides the point. Your marketing could do a lot better than it currently is now. Don’t get me wrong, I love your where youre at, the whole Drink Like A Lady, and the “hey we’re being modern, pay attention to us!” thing is really becoming, but its passe. You’re catering to a 20something crowd, because lets be honest, if youre a working woman in your 30s, or 40s, you’re not drinking skinnygirl… you’re drinking much classier drinks, like real ass California Rose’s, Proseccos, and Champagnes. Not skinnygirl Sangria. The people who drink skinnygirl are aspiring young professionals who think your brand will actually make them feel better about getting drunk, and that by covering up the taste of alcohol with “white peach” and “white cranberry” flavorings that you really are being classy. That being said, you need to drop the whole Drink Like A Lady thing. It’s classy, yes, but its not fresh or new. You could do so much better. You could also do much better in terms of a spokesperson also. Considering your target audience is not the 30-40 female range, I suggest you use someone who DOESN’T look within the 30-40 range. I like her style, she’s probably a great person. But I can be better. Just saying. Sincerely, a skinnygirl fan for life.

Also, because we’re on the topic of alcohol, and all things classy, I present you with this YouTube gem (I’m really not one of those people who spends a ridiculous amount of time on YouTube, this is just what being sick for weeks does to you).

Every On Screen Drink in Mad Men. Keep up 2012. Get on their level. WWDDD?