Ladies and gentlemen. I am disgusted by our own kind. This new app called “Lulu” has been on my radar for awhile now. I’ve refused to look into it, but for the sake of writing a blog post about it, I gave in.
What is Lulu:
According to their FAQ:
If you meet a guy at a party and hit it off, admit it: you’re going to Facebook and Google him when you get home. Lulu is the place to do your research. Except we’re not going to bore you with whether he’s registered to vote. No way. Lulu tells you the stuff you want to know: is he a heartbreaker or your future husband? Lulu is the fastest way you can find out if he has a good track record with the ladies.
First of all, this sounds like a Stage 5 Clinger’s manifesto. On paper its essentially its an app only for girls. It makes you login through Facebook (it swears it won’t post on your wall, etc. but I doubt that’s true) to verify you are indeed a female, and also so it can pull up all of your friends/friends info. It’s a social network for ladies in which you can rate your male friends / dates / exes ranging from your relationship with said male, hashtags, and their Humor, Appearance, Manners, Sex, First Kiss, Ambition and Commitment on a scale of 1-10.
Off paper Lulu is a snarky, catty, terrible app. Think Mean Girls’ Burn Book but for scorned bitches everywhere seeking revenge on that one night stand or that bad breakup. It’s a terrible idea for many reasons, to name a few:
1) Dating/getting to know someone shouldn’t be based off of what other people think. You immediately close yourself off if you do this.
2) Obviously everything on that app is bound to be biased. You can’t believe everything you read.
3) Girls talk about being objectified, etc. ALL THE DAMN TIME. While I agree (to some extent), I also think that this is even worse. Degrading a dude just to numbers or a set of awkward Hashtags is terrible.
I figured so long as I had the app, I should see what people were saying about the guys I knew.
Exhibit A: average score 6.7
Reviews: “The sex might be a bit lackluster”, “He’s about as funny as a funeral, but his manners are perfection squared”, and “The word ‘girlfriend’ gives him hives, but his looks could turn a sane girl mad”.
Best Hashtags: #RespectsWomen; #AlwaysPays; #SweetToMom; #OpensDoors
Worst Hashtags: #NoseHair; #NoEdge; #NoGoals #QuestionableSearchHistory
Exhibit B: average score 8.4
Reviews: “His face might take some getting used to, but he’ll keep you giggling all night long”, “He’s so funny, you’ll spend your life laughing your ass off”
Best Hashtags: #BedroomEyes; #HoldsHisLiquor; #NotADick; #EpicSmile
Worst Hashtags: #CheaperThanABigMac; #WanderingEye; #GoneInTheMorning
Exhibit C: average score 7.6
Reviews: “He’s no slouch in the hotness department”, “Commitment isn’t really his thing, but he’s got what it takes to be very successful”, “He could teach a course on kissing technique”
Best Hashtags: #LifeOfTheParty; #TeddyBear; #AmazingCuddles; #StrongHands
Worst Hashtags: #OneTrackMind; #TotalF***ingDickhead; #IntegrityChallenged; #ManChild; #TrustFundBaby
Uhh yeah, you get the picture. Summarily, this app poses a disgusting way to talk shit about people. No one’s going to go on this thing and be like, “Hey, you know what, that was a great hookup with so-and-so, I’m going to write a rave review about him!”. Just. No. Instead, people will use this to gain revenge, be bitchy, or just f*** around. Which is a shame. However you see it – whether this app can be useful or is stupid (I stand in this party obviously), something should be said about the fact that what happens in the past stays in the past. If my dating past followed me (which it sometimes does) in every interaction I have, I would be completely screwed. The thing about meeting new people, starting new relationships, and dating is that you’re being opened to new perspectives and ideas. This app completely closes off all possibilities for a person to change their past or their ways.
I mean, just like Ben Affleck said, “You can’t hold grudges, it’s hard”.
Another reason why this app is absolutely unclassy (and here at YouCanKissMySass we set the bar for classiness ;] ), disdainful, and cringeworthy is because it breaks down men to a series of insulting reviews, hashtags and numbers. Women are CONSTANTLY talking about how we’re always objectified, our bodies, our roles in society, etc. This app, is no worse – it magnifies the objectification actually. #SixPack, #WearsCrocs, #HotCar, #TallDarkAndHandsome. Is that any better? I promise you, had this been reversed: an app for men to review women, feminists/feminazis would be on this shit like no other. It’d be breaking news, the app creators would probably get attacked, very publicly, and the app would be taken down. Could you imagine? Double standards here. So ladies, do yourself, and mankind a favor and don’t support/use/encourage the use of this app. If you do… well, I disown you through the Internet and you’re a disgrace.
I’m standing up for my dudes and bros here.
You deal with average men on a regular basis. I’m well aware of how superior I am to them. They really don’t do you justice.
This by far has been one of my favorite things a heterosexual male (this one I am actually friends with) has ever said to me. Preach, jock. Also, check out his blog – who said muscular jocks can’t write well?
We need to speak.
I’m so in to Cali girls.
I feel the sense of urgency here. I really do. Its just, I don’t give a shit. And I hate being stereotyped as a “cali” girl. I’m from California. Not Cali. Nails to a fucking chalkboard.
……..Ok, I admit it. I like your style and I think we might well be the two coolest people out here! We should totally take advantage of it, and elope to Tibet, spend a kick ass year in Shangri La and live happily ever after, throwing money in trash and partying like Charlie Sheen. I have this whole thing planned out, so all you have to do is sit by the pool, drink margaritas and get oiled up by hot pool boys all day while I go on my mountaineering expeditions. So I’m really banking on you to say yes to this or I’m going to have to just find Liya Kebede and I don’t think the plan will turn out as well.
Wow. First of all, I don’t want to party like Charlie Sheen. Second of all, your mountaineering expeditions? Third of all, NO.
The law says that you cannot touch, but I think I see a lot of lawbreakers up in this house tonight.
Oh yeah? I see a lot of creeps and rapists too.
Ok you are seriously adorable. Can I adopt you as my little sister? I’ll make us kool-aid and protect you from the other kids on the playground, I promise
WHAT?! This reads: I’m into exploring role playing where you are the younger girl and have to depend on me for help. Does it not? Stop please.
You’re cute and seem to have substance, not an easy combo to come by. I’m intrigued
No, no, no, no, no, bro. I get you’re trying to compliment me (and I’ll be the first to admit I’m terrible at accepting compliments), but I SEEM to have SUBSTANCE?! NO! I have fucking substance and don’t you forget it bro. You seem to be an asshole Also, speaking for my ladies out there… everyone has substance. You’re just a douchebag if you can’t see it.
How would you rate your snarky humor?
Is my humor snarky? What?
You have a blog that you shamelessly plug yet only one pic of yourself. That’s a-grade narcissism and a complete lack thereof at the same time. Consider my circuits scrambled. Not serious… Kinda serious…It’s all good if you are aware of it… I have an intuition that you are the type you have to shuush at times when there’s too much crazy stuff popping out that turns heads at surrounding tables… haha
I’ll agree with you on the “a-grade narcissism”. What can you do. However, don’t agree with you calling me a cocky, crazy bitch though. Learn your manners! RUDE!
Have crazy OkCupid stories? Do men say weird shit to you on a regular basis? Lets hear it! Email that shit in pronto to firstname.lastname@example.org .
Back when MySpace generation 1 was all the rage and your popularity depended on how many people’s Top 8 you appeared on, making an online profile was much more easier. Now it seems so complex, presumptuous, too thought out. Or maybe it’s just because I was like 10 years younger back then… okay maybe like 6 years younger.
Now: Well, I grew up Catholic, I’ve been thinking about Kabalah, and Buddhism, so I’d call myself an Atheist, naturally.
Now: Capricorn. But I identify more with Saggitarius when Jupiter reaches its fifth moon usually.
Now: student / intern / unemployed / help?!
Then: I’m kewl. I like chillin with friends, hanging out, living my lif3! (Insert inspirational quote probably from Marilyn Monroe or someone, here)
Now: I like to find old vintage things. Listen to vinyls. I’m a very complex person. I will try to show this by a very ambiguously small amount of information here.
Then: Dancing, singing, living like there’s no 2morrow! ♥ *~*~*~*~*
Now: Reading, writing poetry, painting landscapes.
Then: OMG WHERE DO I START! B*Witched, Spice Girls, ATeens, Backstreet Boys, NSync, Britney Spears, Avril Lavine.
Now: a band you never heard of, a band that sounds like a viral disease, a hipster ironic band, indie band, indie band, another band you’ve never heard of, The Beatles, a band that sounds like another band. Obviously the more obscure this section is, the more interesting you presumably will be.
Then: A Walk To Remember. Best movie of all time!!!!
Now: Any movie by Baz Luhrmann. Have you seen the previews for Great Gatsby? I probably won’t watch it though…movies ALWAYS ruin the books.
5 Things You Couldn’t Live Without:
Then: my family & friendz, mp3, food, dog, clothes
Now: my iPod, my iPhone, my iPad, my MacBook, my family.
How to Contact Me:
Also, back then you could pimp your profile with MySpACE LaYoutZ and sparkly thangs, and even add a song that exemplifies your great personality!
Oh dear lord. Thank goodness for evolution. But admit it, youre a bit #nostalgic too.
Go ahead. I dare you to stalk your old self via Myspace. Although, you’ll probably have to login. Forgot your password? Just try to remember your crush 5+ years ago, and theyre favorite number/color. Any combo will most likely work.
I’m a huge baseball fan (sports junkie in general), so as you can imagine, watching my SF Giants play in the post season has been extremely stressful and infuriating. But I’ve realized, that’s the general nature of men… to be stressful and infuriating. I’ve also simultaneously decided we can learn a lot about men by just watching baseball, ladies. And I’m not just talking an anatomy lesson here, because, as we all know, baseball pants are to men as yoga pants are to women.
Money. Despite the amount of money they spend on their appearance, they’re still susceptible to sucking… and failing miserably. Take the LA Dodgers for instance. Blockbuster trade, but with nothing to show for it. So sad. You spend all that dinero to look fly, but you’re still really ugly. Money only gets you so far. Some of the best players aren’t on multimillion dollar contracts, but instead are homegrown rookies – just coming into being a man and looking all handsome and shit.
Always Keep An Eye on Them. They might get caught. As a woman, you need to show the men in your life some TLC. We all know they have short attention spans. They might get caught running on you. Its the good guys in the game like Buster Posey and Yadier Molina that will catch them stealing, and teach them a lesson. Always be skeptical – just like a pitcher on the mound checking up on runners – never assume, but be prepared.
Copious Amounts of Facial Hair. Beards are in. Walk around the city and you’ll see… the whiteboy/Jewish hipster with beard is very much in style right now. I have a theory it started with Brian Wilson’s beard. #FEARTHEBEARD
First Appearances Aren’t Everything. Typically the guy hitting .390 is more popular amongst the fans than the guy hitting .152. But is that all that matters? Well maybe. At first look, it seems Mr. .390 is the shit… but spend a little time with subpar Mr. .152, and you find he can be just as good as .390. Maybe he doesn’t come off the page and grab you right away, but he grows on you, with time. Besides, the underdog story is always more interesting than the headliner.
They’ll Always Come Home. They travel, they have groupies on the road or wherever they go. They’ll have fun out there in the world, meet other people, battle it out with others… but in the end they’ll always come home. There’s always something at the end of the day that they’ll look forward to.
The Uniform.Sometimes, the right outfit can make or break a guy. Wearing Dodger blue? Deal breaker, my friend. Even if he’s just wearing the hat… Uhmm, no. Sorry, enough Dodger hating. As a diehard SF Giants fan, I’ve purposely not only turned down a guy wearing an LA Dodgers emblem, but have also gone out of my way to make his day/night miserable. Serves you right to flaunt that disgusting blue around.
Junk Adjusting. Men constantly touch their junk. But hey, no one needs to watch baseball to know that. They’re obsessed with their penises… but like I said, no one needs to watch a baseball game to figure that out.
Signs. The signs that men give out are very sneaky and covert… At times unreadable and incomprehensible. Sometimes the catcher/pitcher gets crossed up, sometimes things get lost in translation. It can get confusing when trying to read men.
Cant Win Em All. Theres 162 games in the regular season, you need to learn to pick up, get over it, and move on.
Its A Mental Game. Always. Baseball is heavily weighted on math, physics, blah blah, but most of all the pure psychology of the players. The psyche. The superstitions. The routines. They will mindfuck you to no end. But in the end, you can’t let them win. Take control, play your own game. It’s not that hard.
What Kind of Fan Are You? Men will test you. Just like any baseball team tests their fans. Are you a fairweather or bandwagoner? Or are you a ride or die chick, whos always there for the ups and downs, the slumps and the playoff rush?
Also, DILFs are always nice eyecandy. That is all.
Actually, for you men out there who happen to read my blog (I checked out my visitors and my stats – a percentage of you male readers DOES in fact, exist) a bit of advice: Don’t go swinging your bat at every
bitch pitch you see. Sometimes the best hits come with time. You have to wait it out. Maybe your next at bat even. But it’ll be worth the wait, I’m sure. Swinging indiscriminately at everything you see will get you nowhere – except a bad reputation as a guy who will always strike out.