You clearly think you are the business. He’s your favorite character because A) you think you’re like him, B) you want to be like him, or C) you just admire his overall bad-assery. You’re calm, cool, collected and creative. #WWDDD
You do you girl. That’s all that matters. You realize this, and you own it.
Seriously? You don’t exist. No one likes Pete Campbell. Except you. You’re probably spoiled and think you’re entitled to the world on a silver platter. You also were that kid in middle school who annoyingly had to one-up everyone no matter what it was. You can always spot the Pete Campbells of the world a mile away.
Did someone say attention whore? Oh Fat Betty. You have a lot of emotional baggage, maybe daddy problems, which causes you to eat your feelings. Or, in my favorite scene of season 5, you often find yourself spraying whipped cream directly down your throat. Whatever it may be, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
You are the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge for all you YouCanKissMySass illiterates). You run shit. Beyonce’s song Girls was made about you. Youre all business girlfriend and you want people to take you seriously because thats what you deserve!
What a silver foxxx, that Roger. Among your super heroes / idols are the Old Spice man, and of course Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man in the World. You don’t care really and nothing really gets to you. Your favorite thing to do (besides fornicate with women half your age and LSD) is to be naked, naturally. No one can handle you.
Megan Calvet Draper
You live in your own little world, painfully oblivious of everything. Its okay though, the worlds a much better place that way. Ignorance is truly bliss.
THE Sass Master. Sally is my personal favorite character on Mad Men. Emotionally, she’s a bit fucked up, but then again, who isn’t right? She’s mature beyond her years and girls got some attitude. You see the world for what it is, and don’t need sugar coating because, goddammit you’re a woman and you just want to wear white go go boots and makeup! Thank heavens I didn’t have a mother like Betty Draper to slap me and lock me in a closet when I mouthed back at her. Oh Sally Draper.
Sally being Sassy Sally, and January Jones giving me Betty Draper REALNESS.
We were all MAD about March. Here’s what I, MADeleine thought was MAD cool about March… see what I did there?
I don’t think anyone makes a bracket and is like, “WOW my bracket is doing so well! Great picks, me!”… like, ever. What’s great about NCAA March Madness is it’s both predictable and has a few exciting story lines in there too. Like Florida Gulf Coast University. Who woulda thought? Harvard had their short lived moment too. Maybe you had Ohio State University going to the ‘ship because youre in love with Aaron Craft. No? Oh. Speaking of basketball, and Dunk City… this month a monumental dunk happened. DeAndre Jordan of the LA Clippers completely owned Brandon Knight while dunking on him. Calling it now – dunk of the year.
So everyone’s always been on edge with North Korea. They’re like your senile grandpa who sits at the family dinner quietly, but if something goes wrong or upsets him, the shit hits the fan. Between being critical of the late Kim Jong-il’s relationship with neighboring countries and the USA, to his inspiring fashion statements – sunglasses 24/7 + neutral collared jacket oh yes, we (as in Americans) have always been in a weird place with North Korea. Then, this month, Dennis Rodman decides to hang out with Kim Jong Un and since then, the two have since developed quite the bromance (Rodman claims he’s vacationing with Jong Un in August). This is no different than a Mean Girls-esque situation, and someone needs to tell Rodman that North Korea and the USA are giving eachother the silent treatment and “YOU CAN’T HANG OUT WITH HIM! YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE OUR FRIEND!” WTF Rodman, does nuclear war mean ANYTHING to you?!
AT&Ts Commercial Game:
If there’s one thing I am absolutely in love with on TV right now it’s Beck Bennett, the guy in all of AT&T’s commercials as of late. The dry humor, a man with kids… swoon. More importantly, these commercials are GENIUS. AT&T is killing the commercial game right now. They’re topping the list of the top 10 Social TV Commercials… something that some advertisers only dream of doing. The kids are cute, the shit they say is priceless (have you seen the Nicky Flash one?), and while maybe you don’t care about what AT&T has to offer, you’re definitely going to talk about it with your friends or Tweet about it… I know I have on multiple times. This month (last week actually) AT&T pulled out all the stops during March Madness and aired a commercial with Bennett’s adorable straight faced humor, but the cute racially diverse, sassy, talkative children, were replaced by basketball greats like Bill Russell, Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Larry Bird. Amazing. AT&T is seriously killing it. Their commercials are almost entertaining enough to makeup for the shitty service I get out here.GIRLS Season 2 Finale:
This season was a flop. Yeah, you read that right. I’m a huge fan of Lena Dunham. Seriously, I love her. I get her sense of humor, I encourage her excessive nudity, and I like her IDGAF attitude. I loved GIRLS season 1. I loved Hannah – she’s quirky, a writer, confident, and hilarious. Jessa is a badass bohemian, Shoshanna is a anxiety-filled JAP, and Marnie is a stuck up, self centered, wanna-be yuppie. All characters we can identify with, I’m sure. In terms of relationships, all of the girls showed in their own ways that, although an integral part of their lives, men weren’t a necessary addition. However, this season, they all seemed so dependent on men – something that really turned me off on this. Whether it was Shoshanna & Ray, Hannah & Adam, Jessa and her daddy problems, and Marnie & Jonathan/Charlie. It was unbecoming. A very unbecoming trait of you GIRLS.
Jon Hamm’s Ham:
Mad Men Season 6 premiers this Sunday. If youre a female (or homosexual male for that matter) you’re excited to see Don Draper in a suit every Sunday night. I know I’ve missed that in my life. However, people have been onto Jon Hamm lately for a little more than just his suit-wearing, whiskey-drinking perfection of DD. This month the media has been in a frenzy over pictures of Jon Hamm’s rather large package. People are freaking out. Clearly the public cannot handle the sexiness that is Jon Hamm. Hamm, on the other hand is not basking in the glory, but instead is pretty fucking pissed off, ”They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason,” he says. “I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal … But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite”. Yeah Jon Ham.. it is much better. #WWDDD (WhatWouldDonDraperDo)
Top Search Engine Terms For YOUCANKISSMYSASS.COM:
- “#questionablesearchhistory” The fact that someone is googling this says plenty to their character.
- “#integritychallenged” Really, don’t read too into LuLu, guys.
- “brian wilson beard”
- “20 shameful things”
- “ok glass dorks” LOL. I’m picturing some asshole interrupting Google developers and being like, “OK, glass dorks..”
- “take yourself off of lulu app” There’s a way I’m sure, but maybe you should consider a few other things to work on.
- “jennifer lawrence says fuck” She does. I’m wondering if the searcher wanted a video of J Law saying the expletive, or they wanted to know how many times, or… what?
- “what does trustfund baby mean” It means that if youre asking this then your parents are filthy rich and you’ve never had to worry about being paid on time. Probably.
- “how to tie a turban”
- “feet fetish shoe department” I know right?
Other notable things that happened in March:
-So like Tilda Swinton slept in a glass box at the MOMA for an exhibition and we all instagrammed it and thought it was artsy. No. As Sarah Lakshmi says, “It is a sad day for art when some random British actress can sleep in a museum and all the homeless people have to sleep outside”. True that sistahfriend.
-This really shouldn’t be newsworthy and the whole Lindsay Lohan thing is so overdone and excessive, but I must say, she’s not at the top of the list on my classy chart, but the woman did put herself together pretty well for her court date wearing a sheer pants and top from 3.1 Phillip Lim. She did good. In other trashy celebrity news this month, Amanda Bynes has officially gone crazy chick.
What we can look forward to in April:
As I said before, Don Draper is gracing our lives again every Sunday starting this weekend. Mad Men. Baseball is back! If that’s not enough for you, the movie on Jackie Robinson, 42, comes out April 12th. Also, 4/20 is this month so naturally we’re all celebrating… Earth Day. Right?
I’ve spent the past 48 hours in bed with multiple sicknesses, so naturally I’ve been clicking through my instant Netflix queue, catching up on some online articles I’ve been wanting to read, wearing out my Kindle, and watching stupid YouTube videos. Obviously. One thing led to another and soon enough I found myself on skinnygirl’s YouTube channel. If you don’t already know, I’m probably the biggest fan of every thing skinnygirl makes… getting inebriated without the caloric regret? I’m all for it. In fact, I love the brand so much, I could be their fucking brand ambassador. Recently they just came out with a new line of skinnygirl wines and natural flavored vodkas – which quite FRANKly (Get it? It’s Bethenny FRANKel’s -my idol’s – company) I could do without to be honest, although after trying them all, the cucumber flavored skinnygirl vodka is probably my winner. I’m more of a ready to serve cocktail girl – White Cranberry Cosmo, White Peach Margarita, and the Sangria too of course. Why? Because they’re easy to drink, no mixing, no muss, no fuss, just alcohol. Anyways. Along with their new line of wines, the company has recently began a new marketing ploy, with slogans like “Drink Like A Lady”, and all of these How To Videos by skinnygirl, which I’m a bit skeptical of – due to the fact that they could have a MUCH better spokesperson …. ME.
In this commercial “A lady ALWAYS wears sensible shoes”, “remains poised”, “practices good posture”, and “knows how to cocktail”. It’s a cute commercial, don’t get me wrong. Granted, it juxtaposes a 1950s looking housewife to a group of 20something girls having fun and shows the contradictions. I love it. But the irony is in the 1950s portrayal of the woman at the beginning of the commercial. I get it, I get it, the company is focusing on how they are “modern”, yet if you delve deeper into their ad campaigns and videos, you’ll find they have A LOT of updating to do. For instance, this video “How To Order A Drink Like A Lady”:
First of all, the very TITLE of this video is insulting! What do you mean, “Like A Lady”? I’m not getting into feministic things and all that shit, but really? This chick’s first rule to Ordering A Drink Like A Lady is to Make Eye Contact and Smile. Easy enough. However, what she says next pisses me off, “Lets face it, when was the last time that icy stare got you anywhere?”. Bitch! NEVER underestimate the power of a bitchface. Seriously. You don’t even know where a perpetual bitchface can get you (the answer is: all sorts of great places). Also, she says this while attempting to put on her own ugly bitchface on, that really doesn’t work. Rule #2, Treat Your Bartender Right. Yeah, yeah, blah blah. Rule #3, Understand Your Audience, she goes into what drinks you should order at what places… which is absolutely appropriate. Or you can just stick to vodka sodas and G&Ts and call it a day. Quite possibly the most bothersome of this whole campaign skinnygirl has, is this chick in the video is outright ANNOYING! I’m in no position to say she isn’t pretty, or that her makeup could be MUCH better, or that red lipstick DOES NOT work on her, or that her bun could be a lot more classier/prettier, but for real? This is the best they could do? Why the fuck didn’t they just use Bethenny Frankel for godssakes? Why wasn’t I casted?
With that, I present to you “New Rules for Girls Night Out”, starring the same obnoxiously annoying chick. The red lipstick is still on, she still hasn’t gotten the memo that her glossy red isn’t doing it for her. Perhaps the funniest part of this video is the shit this chick says. “Spend the evening conversing with friends, and having great conversation”. What a novel idea! Did anyone check your transcript before you filmed this shit, because that was extremely repetitive. The biggest gem comes when she tells viewers, “Its 2012, it’s time to buy the guys a round of drinks”. Okay, sure. I’m all for being the go-getter. But honestly, that’s the benefit of being a woman, is having drinks be bought FOR you. But I get the being aggressive thing, its sexy and smart. The funny part is, when they show the guys getting the drinks, its none other than skinnygirl’s California Red (or possibly Rose which would be even more embarassing to get), either way, I can’t imagine a guy would be all that flattered to receive that. In fact, you’re writing yourself off by sending him a skinnygirl drink basically. The guy in the video pulls the bottle out of the chiller all happy and shit, then looks at the label and is probably thinking “What the fuck is this shit? Is this a joke? Is this for real?” then the chick’s voice comes over saying, “it’s a totally classy move and I’m SURE you’ll get a response” Notice, she didn’t say positive response.
So let me conclude with my elevator pitch to Bethenny Frankel as to why I should be the face of skinnygirl cocktails:
Well Miss Frankel, can I call you Bethenny? Okay good. I absolutely love your products, every single one of them. I’m a skinnygirl conoisseur, from your premixed cocktails, to your new wines to your cucumber flavored vodkas, I am a huge fan. I’m also a huge fan of you too. When you and Jill Zarin had that HUGE fight, I was Team Bethenny ALL THE WAY GIRLFRIEND. But that’s besides the point. Your marketing could do a lot better than it currently is now. Don’t get me wrong, I love your where youre at, the whole Drink Like A Lady, and the “hey we’re being modern, pay attention to us!” thing is really becoming, but its passe. You’re catering to a 20something crowd, because lets be honest, if youre a working woman in your 30s, or 40s, you’re not drinking skinnygirl… you’re drinking much classier drinks, like real ass California Rose’s, Proseccos, and Champagnes. Not skinnygirl Sangria. The people who drink skinnygirl are aspiring young professionals who think your brand will actually make them feel better about getting drunk, and that by covering up the taste of alcohol with “white peach” and “white cranberry” flavorings that you really are being classy. That being said, you need to drop the whole Drink Like A Lady thing. It’s classy, yes, but its not fresh or new. You could do so much better. You could also do much better in terms of a spokesperson also. Considering your target audience is not the 30-40 female range, I suggest you use someone who DOESN’T look within the 30-40 range. I like her style, she’s probably a great person. But I can be better. Just saying. Sincerely, a skinnygirl fan for life.
Also, because we’re on the topic of alcohol, and all things classy, I present you with this YouTube gem (I’m really not one of those people who spends a ridiculous amount of time on YouTube, this is just what being sick for weeks does to you).
Every On Screen Drink in Mad Men. Keep up 2012. Get on their level. WWDDD?
Season 5, Episode 11: “The Other Woman”
“What price would we pay, what behavior would we forgive, if they weren’t pretty, if they weren’t temperamental, if they weren’t out of our control…Jaguar: At last, something beautiful you can truly own.” -Mad Men Season 5 Episode 11
I typically don’t do recaps of episodes, but there’s a first time for everything. This episode of Mad Men, made up SIGNIFICANTLY for the boring episode last week featuring Fat Betty. Likewise, this season has been particularly uneventful in my opinion, yet, this episode Matthew Weiner really got the emotions flowing for me, the person who laughs at people who cry during Titanic and Ladder 49 (okay, maybe I shed a single tear when I watched that movie). This episode was all about the ladies, Joan, Peggy, (a little bit of) Megan, and mentions of other leading ladies such as Cleopatra, Lady Godiva, and Helen of Troy. Mad Men? This featured Mad / Disgruntled / Slighted / Sad Women.
Lets start with Joan. In my humble opinion, she’s always been the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge – if you didn’t know that acronymn, then GTFO my blog. Kidding). She runs shit, despite her home life sucking majorly. I’ve always admired Joan, not because of her voluptuous assets, but because of her no nonsense, no bullshit attitude. Thats why I spent half of the episode gritting my teeth, glaring at my TV mumbling obscenities when I realized she’d sold her soul to the devil, to “land the account” with a greasy fat pig of a man. Oh Joan. I thought you were so wholesome (well, in more ways than one), but sex for a partnership and shares? I was particularly mad that Rodger Sterling didn’t come to her rescue. But I will tell you that my heart melted when Don attempted to save the day as “one of the good ones”. Oh Don. Which brings me to the next leading lady…
Peggy. What a dick move, Peggy. Getting a job with your mentors biggest rival. This whole Peggy thing left me emotionally traumatized. First, I was angry for her choice to leave… standing up on my couch yelling at the flatscreen “You dumb bitch! You are so ungrateful, I can’t believe you have the audacity to do this!!”. All she had to do was wait it out and demand a raise, tell Ginsberg to fuck off, and then assume the 2nd HBIC position at Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Pryce. But no, she had to go off, and be a cunt. So much for loyalty. But then, when she tells Don her decision, I couldn’t help but cry. And by cry, I don’t mean shed tears (something inside me makes it humanly impossible to shed tears when its necessary). I mean, sadly sit in exasperation while Don kisses Peggys hand goodbye. Weiner, you manipulative son of a bitch, you got me there. I got emotional. Oh Don. (Also, did anyone think when Peggy left SCDP on the elevator, she was going to step into the empty vortex elevator they showed a few episodes ago? WTF. Was that still part of the LSD trip and I didn’t realize it? Whatever)
Speaking of Don, everyone needs to give him a break. Here he is trying to be the good guy, and all of these bitches are giving him a hard time. I thought I was being emotionally jostled around, poor Don Draper. First, your wife is being completely high maintenance at home, and work has been crazy. When you finally land the account and you think you convince your coworker to not sell her body in order to land said account, you only find out that coworker has in fact did the dirty. To top it all off your bestie (pretty much) and protege at work is peacing out on you to work for your rival. Poor, poor Don! I don’t have much to say about Megan except for the fact that I hate how gorgeous she can look even wearing an asparagus green nightie. UGH.
My opinions of the characters after this episode summarized:
- Don Draper – Swoon. Drool. Sorry, what?
- Rodger Sterling / Bert Cooper – I expected more from you scumbags.
- Layne Pryce – Was there such thing as sexual harassment charges? Hes like the creepy uncle you can’t get rid of.
- Peggy – Who. Do. You. Think. You. Are. Leaving. And. Shit.
- Joan – Dubbed forever as the scarlet letter from now on. Pretty Woman much?
- Megan – Ugh, I don’t understand why she needs to work.
- Pete – WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS how much I’d enjoy throwing feces at Pete, and vomitting on his face from being so disgusted by dealing with feces.
- Betty – The more Betty appears in an episode is inversely proportional to the quality of the episode.
- Ginsberg – Can I slap you across your face?
To conclude, this episode was an emotional fucking rollercoaster. I almost mistook this to be the season finale. Oh Joan, Oh Peggy, Oh Megan, Oh Don. Dreamy Don Draper, with the fucked up world around him.
So what, I’m a week late or whatever. Who cares?
The season 5 premiere for Mad Men was pretty good for a 2 hour-er. Don Draper was looking fine as usual. But lets get to the good part. Jessica Pare / Megan Draper’s performance of Zou Bisou Bisou for Don’s 40th birthday. Like a lot of Mad Men fans, the past week I’ve had that song stuck in my head. I am quite the Francophile, so I’m obsessed with anything French. Jessica Pare was just too fucking perfect with that song. Can we talk about her hair, her outfit, HER?! She just may be my new favorite character this season… mostly because she’s sassy and doesn’t mind fighting with Don for all the right reasons. Like, um… their makeup sex after his birthday? I died.
In all seriousness though, Megan Draper is going to be my new favorite character this season, I can already tell. I used to be a huge Rodger fan, but the entire time in the season premiere he just pissed me off. I’ve never been a big Peggy fan, and Joan, although she appears to be strong and have it all together, seems much too needy from that first episode. We’ll see.
Another thing, everyone’s been bitching about Betty. “Where’s Betty?” blah blah, Betty. Honestly, this first episode was like a nice family reunion for everyone, and Betty is that bitchy ex girlfriend everyone hopes WONT show up because she’d make everything incredibly awkward and would ruin the fun (P.S. Lane Pryce would absolutely be that creepy old uncle who always pinches your butt or hugs you for too long). I wouldn’t mind less of Betty, as much as I love January Jones, but I know she’ll be shown a lot. Lastly, am I the only person who wants to just slap Peter across the face?! I never liked him, but in the earlier seasons I was just like, “Eh, I could do without him”, and then “Oh my God, seriously Peter?” and now its just like, “GTFO PETER!”. Ugh, everything about him just irks me. Anyways, one thing is for sure, I absolutely love having Don Draper back in my life every Sunday night. Yes!