For my summer job as an assistant manager at the end of the season we have a meeting with my (male) boss in which he gathered information from the whole staff and summarizes it for us. Essentially the meeting re-capitulated each managers’ strengths and weaknesses. I was ecstatic to hear what my strengths and weaknesses were according to my coworkers and employees – what do my peers think of me? Am I a terrible co-worker? Do I need to step up my game? What do they think my skills are? Do I need to work on being a leader?
Well the meeting started off great. By great, I mean my boss started off by calling me a “horndog”. Apparently it was much too apparent during our training with the firemen that I was into firemen… well firemen and the attractive men / dads that visited work. Essentially my response was “sorry I’m not sorry”. Still, I was eager to hear what the staff I worked with thought of me. Instead, what my boss said was this, “Blah blah blah, everything sounds good, you’re doing a good job…” flips through papers to read evaluations, “Someone said you talk too much …” As if I didn’t already know that… “Someone said your weaknesses are… firemen. And that’s about it”. As hilarious as that was, I still was left to figure out what my strengths and weaknesses really are. Since then, I’ve been keeping a list…
- Food. The consuming of it, the finding of it, the appreciation of it. Yes, the first thing I thought of for my strengths was food, okay? I’m really good at eating, finding good places, and eating. Food is my forte.
- Being passive aggressive. Sometimes its really unavoidable and just comes so naturally I can’t help it. I mean, I really don’t mind cleaning the kitchen for the 5th time this month, I don’t, someone would probably get to it at some point.
- Finding great music. Being obnoxious about it. Then rubbing it in your face that I found it first before they were played on the radio. Whats a hipster?
- Creating personalities for people. People I have never met in my entire life and just observe. You don’t do that? Example: boy wearing A’s baseball hat, long socks, vans, reading a book with pen behind his ear on campus. He ooooobviously is from the Bay Area, and spends his summers in Dolores Park, wearing RayBans, with a spliff. He’s super chill yet super moody and likes to be alone a lot. He probably reads by the fire sometimes. Most likely candlelight actually, since he lives in a very small apartment by himself. Oh, he’s a frat star that just transferred from Penn State? Oh.
- Instagramming. Its obsessive. I’m also really good at taking #selfies.
- Avoiding things. I am the master of avoidance. This includes procrastination, pushing feelings aside, unanswered calls and texts, hiding from the world, masking feelings with G&Ts.
- G&Ts. Speaking of gin & tonics. Of course they’re my strength!
- Ordering at Starbucks. I hate when my coffee gets fucked up. But it doesn’t happen anymore… because…I…talk…..suuuuper slow. That way they can’t fuck up my order… no way, no how “I’ll have a GRANDE (pause) SKINNY (pause) Vanilla Latte (pause)WAIT, I’m not done… with SOY… thanks!” Emphasize the “thanks!” with a smile that says, “you better get my order right bitch, I swear, or else I will cut you “.
- Being oblivious. Kendrick Lamar / The Ramones / KidCudi once said, “ignorance is bliss”… it really is. Life is so much better if you didnt know you just stepped in dog shit, someone spat in your food, or that no one cares about what youre saying/writing.
- Shopping. Now, most people would consider this a weakness. I don’t. Afterall, you’d be surprised what a girl can do in a bad mood with credit card in hand in need of some retail therapy. Its wonderful.
- Being on my period. I’M PMSing OKAY?! JUST LET ME BE A BIG OL’ BITCH FOR ONCE ITS MY HORMONES IT ONLY HAPPENS LIKE ONCE A MONTH SO LET ME JUST BE OKAY?! Also, its totally fine I just had that fatty Chipotle burrito, a sleeve of Oreos, froyo, and everything remaining in the fridge… I’m on my period. While I hate being on my period / female bodily functions in general, its a really good excuse sometimes (Come at me you feminists, I know you just died a bit inside when you read that).
- FroYo. Its an art. You can’t have too many toppings and not enough yogurt… and on the flipside, you can’t have too much froyo without enough toppings. Also, selecting toppings is a delicate talent… ew, you put cookie dough toppings on your tart grapefruit fro yo? What is wrong with you?
- Flakiness. Like that of a toasted croissant, or a 40+ bald man’s head. I’m flaky and will be the first to admit it.
- Showing affection. Just because I punched you and constantly roll my eyes at you and ignore things you say doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I do. Likewise, just because I gave you the stank eye 7 times in the past 24 hours, doesn’t mean I hate you.
- Picking up on hints. Maybe this goes hand in hand with being awkward. Oh am I third wheeling? I didn’t even notice. Did you want me to leave? Oh, youre just glaring at me for no reason… I get it… Oh, sorry, just got your subtle text… I’ll leave now. It takes me awhile to process these things.
- Thinking the world is out to get to me. One time this construction worker whistled at me and said obscene comments and proceeded to follow me down the block, naturally I thought I was going to be on an episode of Law and Order SVU as a victim. I also have a reoccurring dream that I get shanked while on a leisurely walk in the city. You bet I walk around the sidewalks making sure no one comes too close to me. I also start to sweat sometimes when cab drivers seem to be driving in the complete opposite direction that I ask, or they look like theyre headed towards a New Jersey turnpike (which is never, because when do I ever come close to leaving Manhattan), since obviously theyre going to take me to an abandoned field and chop my body to pieces and store it in their large ass trunk.
- Bad timing. My timing is the absolute worst! I’m assuming when I’m comforting you about your breakup with your boyfriend isn’t a good time to tell you I’m dating someone new?
- Borderline addictive personality disorder. How dare you get me hooked on a show… now I can’t leave bed until I finish up to Season 7. Thanks. Two years ago, I watched all 6 seasons of Sex and the City in one week, right before finals. When youre addicted, it has no boundaries. I have an obsession with Gary Shteyngart novels, which started in high school, when I proceeded to read his 3 novels (The Russian Debutante’s Handbook, Super Sad True Love Story, and Absurdistan) in one week. The 50 Shades of Grey trilogy? That shit was read within 2 days.
- Pretending to be interested. Don’t confuse this with pretending I care. Because I do care. I’m just not that all interested in hearing about your cousins new baby, or how you are writing a new novel. I try to look interested, but apparently fail miserably.
- Talking in circles. I really don’t do it on purpose. I’m not trying to confuse you with the way I’m talking. Hell, I confuse myself 98% of the time and lose my train of thought. Happens.
- Minding my own business. Lets face it though, nowadays its far too easy to stalk on conversations, life events, etc all thanks to Facebook. But to be honest, its not really my business as to why that one chick decided to dress like a complete slut on halloween and who commented/liked her picture with her tits hanging out. Additionally, probably not my business that you’re fighting with your boyfriend on the phone, but SERIOUSLY? youre in public – so its fair game there.
Tell me I’m normal, please.**NOTE: This is in no way a comprehensive list. It is incomplete, and a work in progress. Obviously I have more strengths… and weaknesses too, I guess.
FINALLY! SF gets more than recognized as a kickass, trill, city. So Bloomberg gets the ball rolling here… Yes, San Francisco is a beautiful (albeit chilly) costal city, but the views are to die for. At the same time, I’m sick of out of towners (and even locals) complaining about how “chilly” San Francisco is. BRING A FUCKING SWEATER. You’ve been forewarned. You’re in northern Cali-fucking-fornia… not L.A. … No one likes L.A. anyways (sorry ’bout it SoCal readers). So good old Bloomberg is right, “this coastal city packs in so much—from world-class restaurants and museums to community fairs and music festivals, a large educated class, and an improving economy”. Damn straight. But let’s be real, they only scratch the surface of the city’s well deserved name as 2012′s Best City.
For the ranking, Businessweek.com once again teamed up with Bloomberg Rankings to evaluate data on 100 of the country’s largest cities. We looked at leisure attributes (the number of restaurants, bars, libraries, museums, professional sports teams, and park acres by population), educational attributes (public school performance, the number of colleges, and rate of graduate-degree holders), economic factors (income and unemployment), crime, and air quality.
Leisure, education, economy, crime and air quality… all aspects in which San Francisco legitimately owns 99 other cities in basically. I came up with a few other things as well (in no particular order) that define The City (the term coined by locals), or Frisco/San Fran (term coined by tourists):
- Wassup Silicon Valley? San Francisco is located only a short drive from the Valley… the Mecca of tech nerds, the birthplace of all things Google and Apple, etc. It’s safe to say San Francisco is always in the know technology-wise.
- Beautiful, luscious green. Only the finest… Fields….Parks. And, you know…Green/Purple what have you.
- Speaking of green. San Francisco may be the only city where weed is legal, and plastic bags are not. SF leads the way in all things eco friendly and green. How dare you go into Whole Foods without your reusable bags! Prepare to be shunned by hippies/hipsters/granolas a like.
- You won’t find a cooler hippie life anywhere else. The O.G. hippies can be found all around Haight, and of course those wanna be hippies.
- Foodies galore. The best meals I’ve had surprisingly haven’t been in NYC. Always in SF. Always the best fucking food ever. Danny Bowien’s delicious Mission Chinese in the LES taking NYC by storm? That shit started in San Francisco. And while (even though I like to think that) food trucks and street food probably didn’t originate in San Francisco, I’m pretty sure SF does it best. For all of you lucky ass sons of bitches who are fortunate enough to be located in SF, you MUST check out Off the Grid’s mobile food pods/markets. Like, right fucking now. It’s probably comparable to Brooklyn’s Dekalb Market. Just as many hipsters, just as much good food.
- Again, on the food hype… mexican food in San Francisco / California… Nothing will ever compare. EVER.
- Sorry, one more plug about food… It’s said fusion cuisine started in SF. You’re welcome world.
- Free love! SF is the birthplace of the gay movement. What better way to celebrate that every year at the Gay Pride Parade by dancing around naked in front of the Civic Center? That being said, the city is all about not judging, embracing everyone, and loving all. San Francisco’s got that beautiful thang going on.
- Where else can AZNS, yuppies, hipsters, and hobos get along? Seriously. Where? … Yeah, that’s what I thought.
- Mark Twain supposedly has said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco”. For real? As I’ve said before, people need to stop hating on the climate in SF, and start appreciating. It’s called a Marine fucking layer. What else do you expect when you’re surrounded by the Pacific Ocean?! The City by the bay, sorry we’re not a fucking desert. Get over it and appreciate. Its lovely, okay?
- SF sports teams. The SF Giants, the SF 49ers (I will neglect to mention the move to Santa Clara – that shit be weird). Our sports teams are top notch, and have both been to their respective playoffs within the last 5 years. Golden. Even bigger plus? They support each other too.
- It’s Cali-fucking-fornia. Is there a better state?
I left my heart in San Francisco.
Currently I am adjusting to life as a regular person back in the suburbs of San Francisco, CA. Its a tough life, especially when you just got home from a Seabourn Cruise where you yachted (is that the verb for yacht?) throughout Spain, Monaco, and the French/Italian Riviera. I always feel like a princess onboard, so you can imagine my distaste when I came home to foggy San Francisco and had to unpack my own suitcase, cook my own food, and drive myself around. Fuck you reality. But seriously, the yachts at Seabourn are amazing, I always feel like royalty (afterall, Newt Gingrich was rumored to be on my last Seabourn Cruise) along with the other 200+people onboard.
The yacht itself is beautiful. Its small enough to dock in the most exclusive / elusive ports, yet big enough to not run into the same people all the time. It boasts 4 amazing restaurants, coffee bars, a library, gym, spa, salon, pool, multiple bars, etc. AKA all you could ever want, AKA I’m looking into retirement options to live on the ship. It has this main spiral staircase (think Titanic-like, but then again, don’t think anything Titanic actually), that really makes me feel like a princess when I run down the stairs while wearing my mullet skirt (shout out to you Dani, who first mastered the mullet skirt flow down the stairs). The ship is fancy, which means its inhabitants should also be fancy. As many other cruises have, there’s a dress code on board. Some nights are “Resort Casual”, “Formal Attire”, or “Semi-Formal Attire”. So basically you cant dress like a sloppy fuck when on board. I mean, its not like you can’t show up in jeans and they’ll turn you away. But I love that everyone onboard loves dressing up, just like yours truly.
The yacht we were on for this vacation held about 200 guests, with 300 staff. Simple math, that basically means you have more than a 1:1 ratio of guest to staff member. And thats pretty much what you get. In fact, in your room, you have your own personal stewardess who essentially cleans your room, constantly stocks your personal in room bar as well as your bathroom with Hermes and L’Occitane products, draws you a bath on request, gives you your itinerary every day, and will go to the ends of the earth to satisfy your every need. Seriously. I actually considered asking Petra (our stewardess) to rub my feet after a particularly exhausting day (just kidding actually, but I really did think it) .One morning, this primadonna lady was having the biggest princess bitch fit because it was the sixth day on the ship and the staff didn’t remember her order, “I GET AN EVIAN WATER WITH NO ICE, AND A GLASS OF WHITE WINE, EVERY MORNING WITH MY BREAKFAST! HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO REMEMBER?!” True story. If I had to deal with this nonsense I give her her Evian definitely… splashed on her face. The patience the staff on board has with these ridiculous people is crazy amazing, I can’t say enough. Also, they all tend to be young and attractive (and typically foreign – South African / European), which is ALWAYS a plus in my book. Eyecandy? Check. Although sadly, the typical population on Seabourn yachts are retired, 50+ crowd, which leaves my sister and I usually the only ones below 30 or so. But its whatever. The old folks look at you like youre a novelty of some sort, and you end up giving the “Oh I go to NYU and I’m majoring in blah blah blah and I want to do this and blah blah blah” speech about 14 times on your vacation. But who cares… princesses always like talking about themselves.
If I wasn’t worried about gaining weight, I could eat like a king and literally have an amazing steak dinner for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and as a snack if I requested so to Petra. But to be honest 20 lbs doesn’t look too good on me and I don’t need so much red meat in my system. The food is always so perfectly divine at any and all of the restaurants. Its all you can eat, 24/7, whatever you want. I die. Each 3-4 course dinner is always equipped with your own personal sommelier, who makes sure you have a never ending wine glass. That’s another thing, the endless alcohol. How else do you spell princess than never ending/keep them coming margaritas, pina coladas, gin and tonics, and mimosas? I could be pool side, walking around, at dinner, lunch or breakfast, or at the gym, and someone would refill my glass of whatever I was drinking. They are simply magical.
The places we docked at were perfect. Barcelona, Spain I got my trendy, European, artsy princess on. Then in St. Tropez I got my Daddy’s girl / retail therapy princess on. And later in Monaco / Monte Carlo my inner classy Grace Kelly came out. While on the French Riviera, we stopped at the Villa Rothschild, which overlooked the water. I found myself telling my parents to start booking my wedding here, because every princess needs a picture perfect wedding at a pretty place, right? Oh god. I need to be slapped…
Obviously I’m obsessed with Seabourn cruises. I looked into it and you actually can rent/timeshare a suite onboard. So not only will I be saving for the rest of my life so I can live on the ship, but I will also be taking donations to perhaps speed up this process. Anyone interested in donating? K thanks.
I won’t lie. I use Pinterest, Tumblr etc. religiously to pass time and scroll endlessly (whoever invented that thing where you scroll to the bottom of the page and it automatically loads more content is a motherfucking genius). But lets be real here… Like, seriously… lets be REAL. Sometimes after 20 minutes of mindless, endless scrolling and of looking at food porn, artsy hipster pictures, fitness inspiration, etc. you tend to lose sight of reality.
- Despite the amount of wedding inspiration photos you ‘LIKE’ or repin, does not mean you will be getting married soon. Assuming youre a twenty something… you probably won’t be getting married in a few years. So, that wedding dress you repinned under your “WEDDING IDEAS” board on Pinterest, probably wont exist come time to get married. Actually, in a few years I’m sure Pinterest will be phased out and replaced by the newest social media site – thus you will inevitably lose all of your “WEDDING IDEAS” pins. Again, lets be real here… your wedding probably won’t look like those cute pictures you see on Tumblr and Pinterest anyways. I mean, MY wedding is going to look like that. Just not yours. There. I said it.
- The amount of (hair/fashion/makeup) DIY pictures you repin or ‘LIKE’ does not correspond to how cool you are. Youre lazy. Everyone’s lazy. Who the fuck will actually go and try all that shit, or actually try that shit to their hair. If you do, it never turns out the same as the cute ass pictures that prompt the inspiration. Yeah, I want really cute high waisted jean shorts – but I’m not about to aimlessly butcher my favorite pair of jeans for it because a DIY picture on Pinterest or Tumblr made it look SO cute. I’ll pay for someone else’s butchering skills. I have ONE experience with a DIY off of pinterest… it was a DIY facial pore strip type thing made with a gelatin and warm milk concoction. What in the world was I thinking. The girl in the picture looked so happy with such beautiful skin… so I mixed up the ingredients and applied it to my face while thinking “Smearing this shit all over my face better be worth it!” Well, it wasn’t. I left it on for the 15 minutes the instructions said to, and had the hardest time of my life peeling the stuff off. It sure got deep in my pores, while peeling the first layer of the skin off my face. I mean, it wasn’t that drastic, I just remember that whole night my face looked like raw salmon. Never again. The best DIY picture that was super cute was “DIY: Hanging Bed” It looked so trendy and so adorable. But really? I wouldn’t trust myself to hang a fucking BED from the ceiling and then be okay with sleeping on said contraption. Some DIYs really shouldn’t be DIYs.
- The amount of food porn pictures you ‘LIKE’ or repin DOES correspond to how hungry you are. Or how hungry you WILL be. Pinterest is a really dangerous place for an weight conscious person. Just fucking disable your Tumblr or Pinterest account if youre dieting, unless youre terribly masochist. Definitely two websites to stay clear of if you have the munchies. As is, sober me sits and drools in front of the computer and fantasizes about cheese covered this, and chocolate covered that and sugary coated deliciousness with a bit of fried something and laced with fat another thing. Also, those stupid fitness inspiration photos with a crazy unattainable girls body covered with words that say shit like “DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT COOKIE?” or “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO EAT THAT?” are ridiculous. Yeah, I fucking want that fucking cookie. I’m going to stuff my face. Because, as it is, I’m already on the computer being the fatass, so I’ve accepted the fact that I will never have that model body.
- Likewise, no matter how hard you try, the recipe you tried to make off of Pinterest will neither look as cute or be as good as the picture looks. Its better you just accept that and get over it. Unless youre a professional cook or some shit. It doesn’t happen. I made a bean salad off of a recipe I saw on Pinterest, and despite an Instagram filter, it still didn’t look as yummy or as cute or as cool as the picture showed it online. I won’t even TRY the baked goods… too much room for error there.
- Despite the amount of fitness inspiration pictures you ‘LIKE’ or no matter how intensive your fitness board on Pinterest is, doesn’t mean you will get THAT bikini body. First of all, your thinkings flawed. Youre sitting at your computer admiring that bod… while you can be at the gym GETTING that bod. Maybe it gets you inspired or what have you. Second of all, lets be honest… I’m sure 90% of those pictures are either A) Models or B) female weight lifters who train their whole lives to get a fucking six pack. Aim for something attainable… not completely far fetched.
I love Pinterest. I will be the first to admit that, but a girls gotta get real sometimes.