The day had finally come. M rolled over in bed to look out the window. She sighed. It was grey and cloudy outside and rain was looming over the city. Typical. She rolled her eyes and flopped back onto her pillow. Closing her eyes she thought, by tonight I will be back with California, as she reminisced over the sun filled, happy days they spent together. California was warm, optimistic and always welcomed her back with its warm embrace. California was safe.
As she started to get out of bed she watched New York in its peaceful slumber. New York on the other hand was cold, and made her both confused and excited at the same time. New York showed her highs and the depths of her lows. Just like the LCD Soundsystem song,
New York I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down
The unpredictable part of New York was something M both loved and hated about it. California, on the other hand, was always there… Dependable. It wasn’t to say that she took California for granted. Absolutely not. When New York showed her its worse with its bipolar weather and exhausting her day after day, M longed to be back in the warm embrace of California. It was natural. After all, she had been with California for most of her life. She knew California like the back of her hand. New York, she still had to get used to.
She and New York had only been together for about two years, but it seemed like a lifetime. They adjusted quickly to each other, making it easy for M to fall in love with New York. How could you not? Everyone that met New York loved it. People who hadn’t, longed to meet it. Some even aspired, dreamt, to be with it one day. And here M was, she had New York. But she wondered, was this relationship sustainable? Would it last? Could it last? Their time together had been, in fact, short. However, M felt as if New York was the new true love … even though she never envisioned anything being as important to her as California was. Their relationship was exciting… every day she’d learn something new about New York, she was constantly learning more … about herself and even about others. That’s the thing about New York… it kept her on her toes.
California made her happy. New York made her feel alive.
Maybe she’d never belong to either of them.
*as expressed through instagrams & ironic/nostalgic prose.
For my summer job as an assistant manager at the end of the season we have a meeting with my (male) boss in which he gathered information from the whole staff and summarizes it for us. Essentially the meeting re-capitulated each managers’ strengths and weaknesses. I was ecstatic to hear what my strengths and weaknesses were according to my coworkers and employees – what do my peers think of me? Am I a terrible co-worker? Do I need to step up my game? What do they think my skills are? Do I need to work on being a leader?
Well the meeting started off great. By great, I mean my boss started off by calling me a “horndog”. Apparently it was much too apparent during our training with the firemen that I was into firemen… well firemen and the attractive men / dads that visited work. Essentially my response was “sorry I’m not sorry”. Still, I was eager to hear what the staff I worked with thought of me. Instead, what my boss said was this, “Blah blah blah, everything sounds good, you’re doing a good job…” flips through papers to read evaluations, “Someone said you talk too much …” As if I didn’t already know that… “Someone said your weaknesses are… firemen. And that’s about it”. As hilarious as that was, I still was left to figure out what my strengths and weaknesses really are. Since then, I’ve been keeping a list…
- Food. The consuming of it, the finding of it, the appreciation of it. Yes, the first thing I thought of for my strengths was food, okay? I’m really good at eating, finding good places, and eating. Food is my forte.
- Being passive aggressive. Sometimes its really unavoidable and just comes so naturally I can’t help it. I mean, I really don’t mind cleaning the kitchen for the 5th time this month, I don’t, someone would probably get to it at some point.
- Finding great music. Being obnoxious about it. Then rubbing it in your face that I found it first before they were played on the radio. Whats a hipster?
- Creating personalities for people. People I have never met in my entire life and just observe. You don’t do that? Example: boy wearing A’s baseball hat, long socks, vans, reading a book with pen behind his ear on campus. He ooooobviously is from the Bay Area, and spends his summers in Dolores Park, wearing RayBans, with a spliff. He’s super chill yet super moody and likes to be alone a lot. He probably reads by the fire sometimes. Most likely candlelight actually, since he lives in a very small apartment by himself. Oh, he’s a frat star that just transferred from Penn State? Oh.
- Instagramming. Its obsessive. I’m also really good at taking #selfies.
- Avoiding things. I am the master of avoidance. This includes procrastination, pushing feelings aside, unanswered calls and texts, hiding from the world, masking feelings with G&Ts.
- G&Ts. Speaking of gin & tonics. Of course they’re my strength!
- Ordering at Starbucks. I hate when my coffee gets fucked up. But it doesn’t happen anymore… because…I…talk…..suuuuper slow. That way they can’t fuck up my order… no way, no how “I’ll have a GRANDE (pause) SKINNY (pause) Vanilla Latte (pause)WAIT, I’m not done… with SOY… thanks!” Emphasize the “thanks!” with a smile that says, “you better get my order right bitch, I swear, or else I will cut you “.
- Being oblivious. Kendrick Lamar / The Ramones / KidCudi once said, “ignorance is bliss”… it really is. Life is so much better if you didnt know you just stepped in dog shit, someone spat in your food, or that no one cares about what youre saying/writing.
- Shopping. Now, most people would consider this a weakness. I don’t. Afterall, you’d be surprised what a girl can do in a bad mood with credit card in hand in need of some retail therapy. Its wonderful.
- Being on my period. I’M PMSing OKAY?! JUST LET ME BE A BIG OL’ BITCH FOR ONCE ITS MY HORMONES IT ONLY HAPPENS LIKE ONCE A MONTH SO LET ME JUST BE OKAY?! Also, its totally fine I just had that fatty Chipotle burrito, a sleeve of Oreos, froyo, and everything remaining in the fridge… I’m on my period. While I hate being on my period / female bodily functions in general, its a really good excuse sometimes (Come at me you feminists, I know you just died a bit inside when you read that).
- FroYo. Its an art. You can’t have too many toppings and not enough yogurt… and on the flipside, you can’t have too much froyo without enough toppings. Also, selecting toppings is a delicate talent… ew, you put cookie dough toppings on your tart grapefruit fro yo? What is wrong with you?
- Flakiness. Like that of a toasted croissant, or a 40+ bald man’s head. I’m flaky and will be the first to admit it.
- Showing affection. Just because I punched you and constantly roll my eyes at you and ignore things you say doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I do. Likewise, just because I gave you the stank eye 7 times in the past 24 hours, doesn’t mean I hate you.
- Picking up on hints. Maybe this goes hand in hand with being awkward. Oh am I third wheeling? I didn’t even notice. Did you want me to leave? Oh, youre just glaring at me for no reason… I get it… Oh, sorry, just got your subtle text… I’ll leave now. It takes me awhile to process these things.
- Thinking the world is out to get to me. One time this construction worker whistled at me and said obscene comments and proceeded to follow me down the block, naturally I thought I was going to be on an episode of Law and Order SVU as a victim. I also have a reoccurring dream that I get shanked while on a leisurely walk in the city. You bet I walk around the sidewalks making sure no one comes too close to me. I also start to sweat sometimes when cab drivers seem to be driving in the complete opposite direction that I ask, or they look like theyre headed towards a New Jersey turnpike (which is never, because when do I ever come close to leaving Manhattan), since obviously theyre going to take me to an abandoned field and chop my body to pieces and store it in their large ass trunk.
- Bad timing. My timing is the absolute worst! I’m assuming when I’m comforting you about your breakup with your boyfriend isn’t a good time to tell you I’m dating someone new?
- Borderline addictive personality disorder. How dare you get me hooked on a show… now I can’t leave bed until I finish up to Season 7. Thanks. Two years ago, I watched all 6 seasons of Sex and the City in one week, right before finals. When youre addicted, it has no boundaries. I have an obsession with Gary Shteyngart novels, which started in high school, when I proceeded to read his 3 novels (The Russian Debutante’s Handbook, Super Sad True Love Story, and Absurdistan) in one week. The 50 Shades of Grey trilogy? That shit was read within 2 days.
- Pretending to be interested. Don’t confuse this with pretending I care. Because I do care. I’m just not that all interested in hearing about your cousins new baby, or how you are writing a new novel. I try to look interested, but apparently fail miserably.
- Talking in circles. I really don’t do it on purpose. I’m not trying to confuse you with the way I’m talking. Hell, I confuse myself 98% of the time and lose my train of thought. Happens.
- Minding my own business. Lets face it though, nowadays its far too easy to stalk on conversations, life events, etc all thanks to Facebook. But to be honest, its not really my business as to why that one chick decided to dress like a complete slut on halloween and who commented/liked her picture with her tits hanging out. Additionally, probably not my business that you’re fighting with your boyfriend on the phone, but SERIOUSLY? youre in public – so its fair game there.
Tell me I’m normal, please.**NOTE: This is in no way a comprehensive list. It is incomplete, and a work in progress. Obviously I have more strengths… and weaknesses too, I guess.
10. Michael Phelps makes me emotional. Yeah so maybe I shed a tear after his last swim. SO WHAT. And maybe I cried a bit after I found out he’s dating blonde
model swimming groupie Megan Rossee. Feelings of sadness, loss, grief, etc. I will never love Lochte the way I love(d) Phelps.
09. Ralph Lauren does not suit Team USA. Time to exploit how douchey Team USA is. Lets make them all roll out wearing all white with douchebag hats, and long ass skirts, and white socks and shoes. No wonder other countries hate us… we look like grade-A douches. But I must say, at least we didn’t have to wear those obnoxious red/white fire of the dragon track suits Russia had.
08. McKayla Maroney is a betch. Who knew she was a top notch betch? This whole viral meme she’s got going on is not only hilarious, but also shows her true betchy side. Girl knows what she deserves and will bitch about it all she wants. She also has her own entourage that consists of best friend Kyla Ross. Oh and she loves taking selfies on Instagram.
07. I would actually do anything to hang out at the Olympic Village / party with the athletes… like sell my already emotionless soul.
06. The Chinese are INTENSE. Comment from a Chinese Olympic diver in the WSJ about the Chinese system of picking athletes at a young age for national training centers: “Sometimes, I get to see my family every other year. If the competition schedule is not that tight, sometimes I can spend a whole week with my parents in a year.” Did anyone see when that Chinese dude, Qiu Bo, had a bitchfit because he won a silver fucking medal? Seriously? I’m half Chinese… shouldn’t that mean I should be a fraction as intense as the Chinese olympians? Hmmm… I guess it doesn’t work that way considering I’ve never been 1/100 as intense about anything in life as the Chinese are about the Olympics.
05. Everybody loves the underdogs. Lola Jones’ comeback, Oscar Pistorius, non Americans in swimming… so what if they didn’t do that well… you still rooted your ass off for them, didn’t you? Everyone loves a good story.
04. Posh Spice is a Goddess. Not that you didn’t know that. I mean, DID YOU SEE HER? Yes, the Spice Girls reunion was amazing, but lets be honest, all I care about is Victoria fucking Beckham. Who the hell is her surrogate, because I seriously cannot comprehend how that little beautiful thing could have popped out four spawn children. Its unfathomable to me.
03. The 2016 Summer Olympics will consist of hungover, wasted athletes… according to the party Rio threw on stage at the closing ceremonies. There is NO WAY that the Olympic village in 2016 will not consist of multiple carnivals/fiestas.
02. Samuel Jackson is either illiterate, cannot type on his phone, truly speaks the way he tweets, or is just crazy. No wonder Apple asked him to do a commercial for them… I can only imagine him dictating his tweets to Siri, “Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS.”
01. My life thus far has no significance. Probably a majority of these athletes are under the age of 20. Take for example the fab 5… who took gold this year. They probably haven’t even hit puberty yet or had their first menstrual cycle, and already are getting endorsements and being paid for just showing up. In a perfect world, I would’ve been paid years ago for just showing my face. Don’t even get me started on Missy freaking Franklin. Girl hasn’t even started her senior year in highschool and already has a world record and gold medal to her name. Want to know what I had to my name at the age of 17? $500 and a first generation iphone. Additionally, at the ripe age of 20, I have yet to meet an 18 year old that looks like British diver Tom Daley. What the actual fuck. Its like the Olympic athletes are mythical creatures we watch and hear about, but never actually encounter.
In other news, it’s been confirmed that Serena William is actually a beast.