As the Holidaze are approaching, and I am soon flying home to spend time with family and friends back in California, I am preparing (as you should be too) for the inevitable questions that will arise from my/your homecoming. Friends, family, awkwardly distant relatives, your parents’ friends/coworkers, acquaintances, old class mates, etc. will ask you questions, in an attempt to catch up. But to be frank, people either ask questions to A) hear themselves talk, B) so you’ll ask them the same question and they can then talk about themselves, C) are genuinely interested, or D) to engage in small talk because thats the social thing to do. Yes, I’m a cynic, but what can you do about it. With the people that ask questions only to tune you out and wait until youre finished talking, so they can talk about themselves, you can often answer their questions with some imaginative bullshit, and have a great time with it. “So whats your biggest goal in life?” Well, I’d really like to explore the underwater caves of the Great Barrier Reef, sleep with Robert Downey Jr, consume 5 cheeseburgers in one sitting sans regret, ride an ostrich, and write a book. “Wow, thats so great of you. Good luck. I’m hoping to start my own business…”. Blah blah blah. But not everyone is like that of course. Some people genuinely care. Which is why I remind you of my sarcastic nature in which I write this post. So with that, I present to you, the Frequently Asked Questions for the Holidays and KISSMYSASS’S response.
How is school going?/How are you liking your classes?
Well, school is just absolutely superb. 50% of the time I am avoiding doing work, 45% of the time I’m cramming to finish the work I had previously avoided, and the 5% of the time I’m watching Netflix. Or sleeping. Or eating. It’s a busy life I tell you.
How is New York City?
Its great. Real great. I spend hundreds of dollars shopping, a fraction of my day are dedicated to riding the MTA next to smelly, germ infested strangers, and theres a lot of shitty weather. Like rain, once a week. And bums yelling outside my window at 4am.
Do you ever see (insert name of person you went to middle school with who also lives in NYC)?
Um no, I don’t. Because for all I know, they ceased to exist after we went our separate ways and started high school. Also, in case you didn’t know, New York City has over bazillion people, why the fuck would I make an effort to keep tabs on this one person?
Are you working? / Hows work?
No I’m not working. I still live off of the generosity of my great parents. What? I am absolutely not a spoiled brat! Other response: Work is fan fucking tastic. I get paid a bare minimum, and struggle to make ends meet. You know the saying… working to live? I’m living it.
Isn’t it expensive living there?
Um, you might as well ask me, “Do I have a brain?”. Yes! Of fucking course! Between paying off my credit cards, catering to my (online) shopping habits, buying over priced foods, having a coffee addiction, having a cupcake addiction, buying shit I need and buying shit I don’t need… yeah its expensive.
Did you lose/gain weight?
Well, fact of the matter is, it depends on the given day. 5 minutes ago I ate like 4 of those hor d’oeuvres, you should try them theyre really good. So I probably gained like two pounds since I’ve walked in here. Did you all of a sudden become obsessed with the health of every single person you encounter? What does it matter to you? Are you doing a study? I should be flattered, but this is too much. Actually, I’m flattered if you asked me if I lost weight. On a scale of 1-10 what is the level of drastic change you see? 1 being “you look the same as you did in your prepubescent years”, and 10 being “like dayum, youre a whole new person!”
What are your plans after you’re done with school?
AKA youre asking me if I have my life set up. You’re trying to be polite and cordial about it, but I see through that. The answer is NO. I have no plans, no aspirations, no goals in life. It’s a toss up once I graduate college. Other responses: Sigh.
Are you seeing anyone? / Have anyone special in your life?
This is probably about the 82nd time someone’s asked me this since I’ve been home. If by someone special, you mean the manager / guy who smiles at me with pity who works at 16 Handles FroYo, then, yes. Yes I am… I see him once every few weeks… every week if we get real crazy up in here. Other than that, no. Clearly I’m a misanthrope. I rock being forever alone. Other responses: Break down into a fit of tears while sobbing “Why can’t people just understand that at this point in my life I’m just trying to DO ME?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” -This will teach the asker, and everyone in the vicinity, to never ask you that question again. Thus turning this into a “sore subject”.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS REGARDING THE HOLIDAYS:
- Is it okay to pass out at family functions/dinners? Yes. If its that dreadful that you’re drinking that much, save yourself (and others) and just fall asleep on the nearest couch. Blame it on the tryptophan in the turkey. Oh, it was chicken? Oh. Well, I’m still getting used to the three hour time difference.
- How do I avoid boring small talk / awkward conversations with distant relatives / acquaintances / friends? Find the nearest dog, or cat, and pet it. It will be your next best friend throughout the party/dinner/gathering.
- I don’t like children. But my family is full of them. How do I survive? Avoid eye contact. Or smiling at them. I find children are very receptive to smiles. Don’t do it.
- My significant other is coming home with my for the holidays. Help! Just introduce them as your “frrrrrriend”. Everyone will get the picture. Trust me, your family will be so overjoyed someone outside of your bloodline cares about you (thus taking the burden off of them) that they won’t even question it – or say anything. You’ll probably piss off your S.O. by introducing them as your “friend”, but who cares.
- I can’t stand my relatives’ cooking. I feel like I’m being force fed when I go over, and don’t want to be rude. How do I avoid it? Don’t eat there. Duh. Say you’re on a diet. Better yet, you’re training for a marathon and need to watch your caloric intake. Or that you’ve developed an allergy to gluten. Or that you have a stomach ache.
Well, there you have it! Happy Holidaze! Feel free to submit other questions you need answers to. Because obviously someone values my input.
The thing about being raised in Catholic schools for more than 3/4 of my life is that it sucks when that Catholic guilt catches up to you. Like this morning. My family hasn’t been to Mass in forever… I on the other hand went to Easter Sunday Mass at St. Patricks Cathedral (let’s be honest, it was because I was there anyways for the Easter bonnet parade…duh). We’re also embarking on a trip to Spain / France / Italy, so that being said, it wouldn’t hurt to remind God that we’re still Catholics (kind of). Sunday morning Mass was less than enjoyable. Crying children, the droning of the church choir… I remembered exactly why I disliked going to Mass. But at some point during the hour long obligatory stand and sit charade, I stopped zoning out long enough to hear the priest talk. “… People are losing what their purpose is in life… We need to reflect on what our purpose is in life”.
Now hold up. Don’t you dare think I’m going into some holier than thou, preach at me, type shit. Because I’m not. I’m not religious, but I would say I’m spiritual. Anyways, I decided to zone out the rest of the lecture, and really think about what the priest said. What IS my purpose in life? What am I doing here? Obviously the Church wants you to think about this, and miraculously come to the realization that “My purpose is to love and serve God! Hallelujah!” This girl? No. Instead, I thought about it, and came up with a few ideas. My possible purposes in life…
Marry rich. Consequently, become a housewife (with no children of course… its MY life), and possibly a Real Housewife of New York City (to be honest, as much as we love to make fun of / laugh at these gold digging/”self made” socialites, it would be kickass to be in their shoes – very nice Louboutins might I add). This could be my purpose in life… I mean, SOMEONE has to do it, right?
Be a power yuppie. Power lunches, power yoga flow, powerful career, power, power, power. My work will be my life, because I love it so much. I love my career, but not as much as I will love my dog that will be my only companion. I will probably be single into my 30s, thus, creating a mission for my friends to set me up with someone that I should marry. You know, like one of those movies based in NYC. My parents will be proud of my success, but will be completely embarrassed when I show up to their 50th wedding anniversary party alone.
Raise children and be a stay at home mom. Who am I kidding. This is definitely NOT my purpose in life. But I bet if you go to some different parts in the USA (AKA Republican territory), or different cultures, they’d argue that as a woman, its your duty to childbear. Fuck. No. I don’t even like kids, in fact, toddlers and babies make me very uneasy and pretty damn nervous. Not happening.
Be a wine connoisseur. Contrary to what you may think, I happen to have a discriminating taste for wines. But the good news is, I love them all! Zinfandels, chardonnays, cabernet sauvignons, merlots, pinot noirs, rieslings, champagnes, sparkling wines, especially roses… they all work for me. I’m really good at drinking them all. I already drink wine like its my job anyways.
Grow into an old, single, spinster. I will quilt, and do arts and crafts and then sell them on Etsy, thereby supporting myself on the little profit I make… Basically I will live off of foodstamps, and the kindness of my family who feels sorry for me so they occasionally will send me money, but never visit me because that’s crazy Auntie Maddy. This is very plausible.
I think this a solid set of possible life choices. Right? I still have some time to figure out what to do with my life. I think I’m going to take a little hiatus from the world, and make like Julia Roberts and Eat, Pray, Love and maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure out what exactly I should do with my life. In the meantime, I will be avoiding Church like the plague (there’s some biblical allusion for you right there! Get it? Like the plagues of Egypt? Ha. Ha.), because all I do is think about what a shitty person I am and that I have done nothing of consequence in my twenty years of life.
But seriously, can we go over this again? … I actually went to Church. I’m not bragging or anything… its more of disbelief.
“Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And then things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.”
I was raised on Dr. Seuss stories, and even though I read them while I was a kid, I love how applicable they still are today. I came across this video, which I will have bookmarked forever, its so amazing, and it really illustrates the wonderfulness that is Dr. Seuss. Not only is this video a great pick me up – which came in time because this week has been particularly rough – but everything about it is just beautiful…. the people in it, Seuss’ words, the images, Burning Man. The words in this book, Dr. Seuss’ last book before his death, are absolutely inspiring – without being too optimistic, and the right amount of realism. It’s perfectly inspirational, so if you have a few minutes in your day, I would definitely suggest giving this a watch! Thank you Dr. Seuss for your loveliness!
What are YOU thankful for?
- Don’t take school too seriously. I remember being so caught up with school work and this and that, that I never realized what I really wanted to do with my life… I still haven’t the slightest clue.
- Don’t take LIFE too seriously. Everything back then seemed like it was SUCH a big deal!! And looking back, WTF was I thinking. Everything was so hardcore for me when I was a tween/teenager. OMG WHAT?! A B ON A TEST?! Fuck that shit. Life is so much easier when you stop caring much. Extracurriculars were my LIFE. I was Miss student council, Miss face of my high school, volleyball champ, academic awards up the ying fucking yang… but here in New York City, no one really gives a shit of how badass I was in high school. It doesn’t really matter in the end.
- Savor your family and friends. The time I spent with them in school, at home, I took way too much for granted. Being across the country from them all has put that all in perspective. This year I lost a few friends close to me, and have seen others lose their own loved ones. Savor each moment while you can!
- Take advantage of homemade cooking. Obviously. You’re not going to be living at home your whole life, so eat up while you can. And from the perspective of a starving/money deprived college student, take advantage of a full pantry at home too.
- Myspace isn’t a big deal. Choosing my top 8 friends used to be such a fucking dilemma. Picking a song for your Myspace page? Oh baby Jesus, don’t even get me started… Welcome to Facebook, where everyone knows so much about you, they could basically be your best friend.
- Remember that some fashion is just fad. Um, my childhood best friend, will be the first to point out, and laugh at my terrible fashion choices as a tween/teenager. First of all, I had an obsession with the color pink. No. Just no. It must be the reason why I
despiseam repulsed by pink now. My specialty was those tiered ruffled skirts… which I’d wear out (out where?! to fucking middle school dances of course, which were, of coures, THE social event of the year) – not gonna lie, my great taste still scored me some boyzz… but looking at old pictures really makes me cringe. I also had a skater phase too… I sported Hurley, Billabong, etc, and even, oh God, Etnies, and I embarassingly admit I had a collection of trucker hats. Did I wear them? I hope to God no, I seem to have blocked that from my memory. Moral of the story – stick with timeless and classy.
- Cherish your private school uniform days. I’m not saying get all nostalgic from being raised in a private catholic school from K-8 and then 4 years of high school… God no. Just treasure the fact (you know what I mean you NDBers) that you can literally roll out of bed, sans makeup, throw on a polo and skirt and a pair of mocassins or Birkenstocks, and youre set to go – no judgement. There weren’t any boys around anyways. It seems like such a far off ideal now, living in New York City, where everyone dresses to impress. If I had the same morning routing when I went to my all girls private high school (where all of us couldn’t give a flying fuck about what we looked like), then I would most definitely be mistaken for a homeless person… or just a super grungy hipster (to be honest sometimes I really can’t tell the difference around here).
- Boys aren’t really big of a deal. Being a teenage girl, the number one thing you care about is boys. I can’t say it doesn’t change as you get older, as all I seem to obsess about is men – actually, just one – my amazing boyfriend (my David mancandy!). At such a young age, they’ll come they’ll go – get the fuck over it. Save the mothafuckin drama fo yo mama! Plus, real dating doesn’t start until your 20s – WTF, you think a real date is going on the ferris wheel together? Get over yourself.
- Your mom will always be your best friend. Speaking of mamas… all that drama you saved for her? Well she listens. All the fucking time. She will always be your number one fan, no matter how much you fight, you argue, you get upset with each other. I always seemed to have taken our relationship for granted, but now, I’ve come to this realization. No one knows you better, and no one will ever love you as much. This, is the most important advice for you, Teenage Self.