I’ve always been under the impression that my San Francisco Giants are of the most attractive bunch in Major League Baseball. This has only been confirmed as two of my team favorites have been featured in April’s edition of GQ. Buster Posey in SWEATPANTS? Zito in McQueen?! Swoon.
Anyways, you’re welcome.
Golden Bear Sportswear Jacket, $637;
Alexander Wang T Shirt, $76;
Unis Pants, $198;
Puma x Alexander McQueen Sneakers;
Banana Republic Jacket, $150;
Merz b. Schwanen Henley, $100;
Michael Bastian Sweatpants, $325;
Sandro Sneakers, $475;
TAG Heuer Watch;
See the complete slideshow with other guys like, Brandon Phillips, Chase Headley, Andre Ethier and Jake Peavy here.
I always knew these faces were GQ worthy. Sorry Dodgers, I only see Ethier in there… maybe money can’t buy you class.
Ladies and gentlemen. I am disgusted by our own kind. This new app called “Lulu” has been on my radar for awhile now. I’ve refused to look into it, but for the sake of writing a blog post about it, I gave in.
What is Lulu:
According to their FAQ:
If you meet a guy at a party and hit it off, admit it: you’re going to Facebook and Google him when you get home. Lulu is the place to do your research. Except we’re not going to bore you with whether he’s registered to vote. No way. Lulu tells you the stuff you want to know: is he a heartbreaker or your future husband? Lulu is the fastest way you can find out if he has a good track record with the ladies.
First of all, this sounds like a Stage 5 Clinger’s manifesto. On paper its essentially its an app only for girls. It makes you login through Facebook (it swears it won’t post on your wall, etc. but I doubt that’s true) to verify you are indeed a female, and also so it can pull up all of your friends/friends info. It’s a social network for ladies in which you can rate your male friends / dates / exes ranging from your relationship with said male, hashtags, and their Humor, Appearance, Manners, Sex, First Kiss, Ambition and Commitment on a scale of 1-10.
Off paper Lulu is a snarky, catty, terrible app. Think Mean Girls’ Burn Book but for scorned bitches everywhere seeking revenge on that one night stand or that bad breakup. It’s a terrible idea for many reasons, to name a few:
1) Dating/getting to know someone shouldn’t be based off of what other people think. You immediately close yourself off if you do this.
2) Obviously everything on that app is bound to be biased. You can’t believe everything you read.
3) Girls talk about being objectified, etc. ALL THE DAMN TIME. While I agree (to some extent), I also think that this is even worse. Degrading a dude just to numbers or a set of awkward Hashtags is terrible.
I figured so long as I had the app, I should see what people were saying about the guys I knew.
Exhibit A: average score 6.7
Reviews: “The sex might be a bit lackluster”, “He’s about as funny as a funeral, but his manners are perfection squared”, and “The word ‘girlfriend’ gives him hives, but his looks could turn a sane girl mad”.
Best Hashtags: #RespectsWomen; #AlwaysPays; #SweetToMom; #OpensDoors
Worst Hashtags: #NoseHair; #NoEdge; #NoGoals #QuestionableSearchHistory
Exhibit B: average score 8.4
Reviews: “His face might take some getting used to, but he’ll keep you giggling all night long”, “He’s so funny, you’ll spend your life laughing your ass off”
Best Hashtags: #BedroomEyes; #HoldsHisLiquor; #NotADick; #EpicSmile
Worst Hashtags: #CheaperThanABigMac; #WanderingEye; #GoneInTheMorning
Exhibit C: average score 7.6
Reviews: “He’s no slouch in the hotness department”, “Commitment isn’t really his thing, but he’s got what it takes to be very successful”, “He could teach a course on kissing technique”
Best Hashtags: #LifeOfTheParty; #TeddyBear; #AmazingCuddles; #StrongHands
Worst Hashtags: #OneTrackMind; #TotalF***ingDickhead; #IntegrityChallenged; #ManChild; #TrustFundBaby
Uhh yeah, you get the picture. Summarily, this app poses a disgusting way to talk shit about people. No one’s going to go on this thing and be like, “Hey, you know what, that was a great hookup with so-and-so, I’m going to write a rave review about him!”. Just. No. Instead, people will use this to gain revenge, be bitchy, or just f*** around. Which is a shame. However you see it – whether this app can be useful or is stupid (I stand in this party obviously), something should be said about the fact that what happens in the past stays in the past. If my dating past followed me (which it sometimes does) in every interaction I have, I would be completely screwed. The thing about meeting new people, starting new relationships, and dating is that you’re being opened to new perspectives and ideas. This app completely closes off all possibilities for a person to change their past or their ways.
I mean, just like Ben Affleck said, “You can’t hold grudges, it’s hard”.
Another reason why this app is absolutely unclassy (and here at YouCanKissMySass we set the bar for classiness ;] ), disdainful, and cringeworthy is because it breaks down men to a series of insulting reviews, hashtags and numbers. Women are CONSTANTLY talking about how we’re always objectified, our bodies, our roles in society, etc. This app, is no worse – it magnifies the objectification actually. #SixPack, #WearsCrocs, #HotCar, #TallDarkAndHandsome. Is that any better? I promise you, had this been reversed: an app for men to review women, feminists/feminazis would be on this shit like no other. It’d be breaking news, the app creators would probably get attacked, very publicly, and the app would be taken down. Could you imagine? Double standards here. So ladies, do yourself, and mankind a favor and don’t support/use/encourage the use of this app. If you do… well, I disown you through the Internet and you’re a disgrace.
I’m standing up for my dudes and bros here.
You deal with average men on a regular basis. I’m well aware of how superior I am to them. They really don’t do you justice.
This by far has been one of my favorite things a heterosexual male (this one I am actually friends with) has ever said to me. Preach, jock. Also, check out his blog – who said muscular jocks can’t write well?
We need to speak.
I’m so in to Cali girls.
I feel the sense of urgency here. I really do. Its just, I don’t give a shit. And I hate being stereotyped as a “cali” girl. I’m from California. Not Cali. Nails to a fucking chalkboard.
……..Ok, I admit it. I like your style and I think we might well be the two coolest people out here! We should totally take advantage of it, and elope to Tibet, spend a kick ass year in Shangri La and live happily ever after, throwing money in trash and partying like Charlie Sheen. I have this whole thing planned out, so all you have to do is sit by the pool, drink margaritas and get oiled up by hot pool boys all day while I go on my mountaineering expeditions. So I’m really banking on you to say yes to this or I’m going to have to just find Liya Kebede and I don’t think the plan will turn out as well.
Wow. First of all, I don’t want to party like Charlie Sheen. Second of all, your mountaineering expeditions? Third of all, NO.
The law says that you cannot touch, but I think I see a lot of lawbreakers up in this house tonight.
Oh yeah? I see a lot of creeps and rapists too.
Ok you are seriously adorable. Can I adopt you as my little sister? I’ll make us kool-aid and protect you from the other kids on the playground, I promise
WHAT?! This reads: I’m into exploring role playing where you are the younger girl and have to depend on me for help. Does it not? Stop please.
You’re cute and seem to have substance, not an easy combo to come by. I’m intrigued
No, no, no, no, no, bro. I get you’re trying to compliment me (and I’ll be the first to admit I’m terrible at accepting compliments), but I SEEM to have SUBSTANCE?! NO! I have fucking substance and don’t you forget it bro. You seem to be an asshole Also, speaking for my ladies out there… everyone has substance. You’re just a douchebag if you can’t see it.
How would you rate your snarky humor?
Is my humor snarky? What?
You have a blog that you shamelessly plug yet only one pic of yourself. That’s a-grade narcissism and a complete lack thereof at the same time. Consider my circuits scrambled. Not serious… Kinda serious…It’s all good if you are aware of it… I have an intuition that you are the type you have to shuush at times when there’s too much crazy stuff popping out that turns heads at surrounding tables… haha
I’ll agree with you on the “a-grade narcissism”. What can you do. However, don’t agree with you calling me a cocky, crazy bitch though. Learn your manners! RUDE!
Have crazy OkCupid stories? Do men say weird shit to you on a regular basis? Lets hear it! Email that shit in pronto to firstname.lastname@example.org .
For my summer job as an assistant manager at the end of the season we have a meeting with my (male) boss in which he gathered information from the whole staff and summarizes it for us. Essentially the meeting re-capitulated each managers’ strengths and weaknesses. I was ecstatic to hear what my strengths and weaknesses were according to my coworkers and employees – what do my peers think of me? Am I a terrible co-worker? Do I need to step up my game? What do they think my skills are? Do I need to work on being a leader?
Well the meeting started off great. By great, I mean my boss started off by calling me a “horndog”. Apparently it was much too apparent during our training with the firemen that I was into firemen… well firemen and the attractive men / dads that visited work. Essentially my response was “sorry I’m not sorry”. Still, I was eager to hear what the staff I worked with thought of me. Instead, what my boss said was this, “Blah blah blah, everything sounds good, you’re doing a good job…” flips through papers to read evaluations, “Someone said you talk too much …” As if I didn’t already know that… “Someone said your weaknesses are… firemen. And that’s about it”. As hilarious as that was, I still was left to figure out what my strengths and weaknesses really are. Since then, I’ve been keeping a list…
- Food. The consuming of it, the finding of it, the appreciation of it. Yes, the first thing I thought of for my strengths was food, okay? I’m really good at eating, finding good places, and eating. Food is my forte.
- Being passive aggressive. Sometimes its really unavoidable and just comes so naturally I can’t help it. I mean, I really don’t mind cleaning the kitchen for the 5th time this month, I don’t, someone would probably get to it at some point.
- Finding great music. Being obnoxious about it. Then rubbing it in your face that I found it first before they were played on the radio. Whats a hipster?
- Creating personalities for people. People I have never met in my entire life and just observe. You don’t do that? Example: boy wearing A’s baseball hat, long socks, vans, reading a book with pen behind his ear on campus. He ooooobviously is from the Bay Area, and spends his summers in Dolores Park, wearing RayBans, with a spliff. He’s super chill yet super moody and likes to be alone a lot. He probably reads by the fire sometimes. Most likely candlelight actually, since he lives in a very small apartment by himself. Oh, he’s a frat star that just transferred from Penn State? Oh.
- Instagramming. Its obsessive. I’m also really good at taking #selfies.
- Avoiding things. I am the master of avoidance. This includes procrastination, pushing feelings aside, unanswered calls and texts, hiding from the world, masking feelings with G&Ts.
- G&Ts. Speaking of gin & tonics. Of course they’re my strength!
- Ordering at Starbucks. I hate when my coffee gets fucked up. But it doesn’t happen anymore… because…I…talk…..suuuuper slow. That way they can’t fuck up my order… no way, no how “I’ll have a GRANDE (pause) SKINNY (pause) Vanilla Latte (pause)WAIT, I’m not done… with SOY… thanks!” Emphasize the “thanks!” with a smile that says, “you better get my order right bitch, I swear, or else I will cut you “.
- Being oblivious. Kendrick Lamar / The Ramones / KidCudi once said, “ignorance is bliss”… it really is. Life is so much better if you didnt know you just stepped in dog shit, someone spat in your food, or that no one cares about what youre saying/writing.
- Shopping. Now, most people would consider this a weakness. I don’t. Afterall, you’d be surprised what a girl can do in a bad mood with credit card in hand in need of some retail therapy. Its wonderful.
- Being on my period. I’M PMSing OKAY?! JUST LET ME BE A BIG OL’ BITCH FOR ONCE ITS MY HORMONES IT ONLY HAPPENS LIKE ONCE A MONTH SO LET ME JUST BE OKAY?! Also, its totally fine I just had that fatty Chipotle burrito, a sleeve of Oreos, froyo, and everything remaining in the fridge… I’m on my period. While I hate being on my period / female bodily functions in general, its a really good excuse sometimes (Come at me you feminists, I know you just died a bit inside when you read that).
- FroYo. Its an art. You can’t have too many toppings and not enough yogurt… and on the flipside, you can’t have too much froyo without enough toppings. Also, selecting toppings is a delicate talent… ew, you put cookie dough toppings on your tart grapefruit fro yo? What is wrong with you?
- Flakiness. Like that of a toasted croissant, or a 40+ bald man’s head. I’m flaky and will be the first to admit it.
- Showing affection. Just because I punched you and constantly roll my eyes at you and ignore things you say doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I do. Likewise, just because I gave you the stank eye 7 times in the past 24 hours, doesn’t mean I hate you.
- Picking up on hints. Maybe this goes hand in hand with being awkward. Oh am I third wheeling? I didn’t even notice. Did you want me to leave? Oh, youre just glaring at me for no reason… I get it… Oh, sorry, just got your subtle text… I’ll leave now. It takes me awhile to process these things.
- Thinking the world is out to get to me. One time this construction worker whistled at me and said obscene comments and proceeded to follow me down the block, naturally I thought I was going to be on an episode of Law and Order SVU as a victim. I also have a reoccurring dream that I get shanked while on a leisurely walk in the city. You bet I walk around the sidewalks making sure no one comes too close to me. I also start to sweat sometimes when cab drivers seem to be driving in the complete opposite direction that I ask, or they look like theyre headed towards a New Jersey turnpike (which is never, because when do I ever come close to leaving Manhattan), since obviously theyre going to take me to an abandoned field and chop my body to pieces and store it in their large ass trunk.
- Bad timing. My timing is the absolute worst! I’m assuming when I’m comforting you about your breakup with your boyfriend isn’t a good time to tell you I’m dating someone new?
- Borderline addictive personality disorder. How dare you get me hooked on a show… now I can’t leave bed until I finish up to Season 7. Thanks. Two years ago, I watched all 6 seasons of Sex and the City in one week, right before finals. When youre addicted, it has no boundaries. I have an obsession with Gary Shteyngart novels, which started in high school, when I proceeded to read his 3 novels (The Russian Debutante’s Handbook, Super Sad True Love Story, and Absurdistan) in one week. The 50 Shades of Grey trilogy? That shit was read within 2 days.
- Pretending to be interested. Don’t confuse this with pretending I care. Because I do care. I’m just not that all interested in hearing about your cousins new baby, or how you are writing a new novel. I try to look interested, but apparently fail miserably.
- Talking in circles. I really don’t do it on purpose. I’m not trying to confuse you with the way I’m talking. Hell, I confuse myself 98% of the time and lose my train of thought. Happens.
- Minding my own business. Lets face it though, nowadays its far too easy to stalk on conversations, life events, etc all thanks to Facebook. But to be honest, its not really my business as to why that one chick decided to dress like a complete slut on halloween and who commented/liked her picture with her tits hanging out. Additionally, probably not my business that you’re fighting with your boyfriend on the phone, but SERIOUSLY? youre in public – so its fair game there.
Tell me I’m normal, please.**NOTE: This is in no way a comprehensive list. It is incomplete, and a work in progress. Obviously I have more strengths… and weaknesses too, I guess.
I’m a huge baseball fan (sports junkie in general), so as you can imagine, watching my SF Giants play in the post season has been extremely stressful and infuriating. But I’ve realized, that’s the general nature of men… to be stressful and infuriating. I’ve also simultaneously decided we can learn a lot about men by just watching baseball, ladies. And I’m not just talking an anatomy lesson here, because, as we all know, baseball pants are to men as yoga pants are to women.
Money. Despite the amount of money they spend on their appearance, they’re still susceptible to sucking… and failing miserably. Take the LA Dodgers for instance. Blockbuster trade, but with nothing to show for it. So sad. You spend all that dinero to look fly, but you’re still really ugly. Money only gets you so far. Some of the best players aren’t on multimillion dollar contracts, but instead are homegrown rookies – just coming into being a man and looking all handsome and shit.
Always Keep An Eye on Them. They might get caught. As a woman, you need to show the men in your life some TLC. We all know they have short attention spans. They might get caught running on you. Its the good guys in the game like Buster Posey and Yadier Molina that will catch them stealing, and teach them a lesson. Always be skeptical – just like a pitcher on the mound checking up on runners – never assume, but be prepared.
Copious Amounts of Facial Hair. Beards are in. Walk around the city and you’ll see… the whiteboy/Jewish hipster with beard is very much in style right now. I have a theory it started with Brian Wilson’s beard. #FEARTHEBEARD
First Appearances Aren’t Everything. Typically the guy hitting .390 is more popular amongst the fans than the guy hitting .152. But is that all that matters? Well maybe. At first look, it seems Mr. .390 is the shit… but spend a little time with subpar Mr. .152, and you find he can be just as good as .390. Maybe he doesn’t come off the page and grab you right away, but he grows on you, with time. Besides, the underdog story is always more interesting than the headliner.
They’ll Always Come Home. They travel, they have groupies on the road or wherever they go. They’ll have fun out there in the world, meet other people, battle it out with others… but in the end they’ll always come home. There’s always something at the end of the day that they’ll look forward to.
The Uniform.Sometimes, the right outfit can make or break a guy. Wearing Dodger blue? Deal breaker, my friend. Even if he’s just wearing the hat… Uhmm, no. Sorry, enough Dodger hating. As a diehard SF Giants fan, I’ve purposely not only turned down a guy wearing an LA Dodgers emblem, but have also gone out of my way to make his day/night miserable. Serves you right to flaunt that disgusting blue around.
Junk Adjusting. Men constantly touch their junk. But hey, no one needs to watch baseball to know that. They’re obsessed with their penises… but like I said, no one needs to watch a baseball game to figure that out.
Signs. The signs that men give out are very sneaky and covert… At times unreadable and incomprehensible. Sometimes the catcher/pitcher gets crossed up, sometimes things get lost in translation. It can get confusing when trying to read men.
Cant Win Em All. Theres 162 games in the regular season, you need to learn to pick up, get over it, and move on.
Its A Mental Game. Always. Baseball is heavily weighted on math, physics, blah blah, but most of all the pure psychology of the players. The psyche. The superstitions. The routines. They will mindfuck you to no end. But in the end, you can’t let them win. Take control, play your own game. It’s not that hard.
What Kind of Fan Are You? Men will test you. Just like any baseball team tests their fans. Are you a fairweather or bandwagoner? Or are you a ride or die chick, whos always there for the ups and downs, the slumps and the playoff rush?
Also, DILFs are always nice eyecandy. That is all.
Actually, for you men out there who happen to read my blog (I checked out my visitors and my stats – a percentage of you male readers DOES in fact, exist) a bit of advice: Don’t go swinging your bat at every
bitch pitch you see. Sometimes the best hits come with time. You have to wait it out. Maybe your next at bat even. But it’ll be worth the wait, I’m sure. Swinging indiscriminately at everything you see will get you nowhere – except a bad reputation as a guy who will always strike out.