You complimented me on my shoes. Said you liked them. So I figured I’d give you the time of day, compared to those boys who holla atcha gurl. Thanks! They just came in yesterday. Theyre one of my cyber Monday purchases. You didn’t know what Cyber Monday was. AKA you probably lived under a rock. So I decided I would try to lose you if I walked faster, considering you were walking a bike. I failed miserably. Well, actually I didn’t foresee you catching up to me while I waited to cross a busy street. You looked like a generic, normal dude. 30 something Jewish guy who probably still lived with his mother. Except you told me 5 minutes after meeting me that you didn’t (TMI guys… incase this is a thing you do). You also told me you worked in publishing, at which point I had the fleeting thought of actually getting to know you in order to leverage our newly made friendship into a book deal (I have morals, really). I decided against it after you didn’t get the hint that I no longer wanted to talk to you. Okay, I’m walking this way (I pointed left when really my building was to the right). It was great meeting you! (Also, I’m incredibly good at faking enthusiasm).
As I made a dash for the opposite direction, you grabbed my phone, which was in my hand as I was ready to call someone if you decided to jump me. My first reaction to you grabbing my phone was to grab your bike, since I knew I could out run you and/or kick your ass sans your bike. To my relief, but not really, you just called yourself on my phone like a bonifide creeper, so you had my number. The line was officially drawn. I grabbed my phone back and gave you a look that said, What the actual fuck did you just do and who the fuck do you think you are you big weirdo? No more playing nice. Umm, that was weird. My apartment is near and quite frankly I don’t want you seeing where I live so you can keep walking to where you were going and I’ll be going somewhere else. Bye, I said. Sufficiently weirded out, I took the longest walk back to my apartment making sure I wasn’t followed / being incredibly paranoid.
We could’ve been good together. That couple that was like 10+ years apart. Typical Jewish American man dating a fashionable, smart, young, Asian American girl. The New York City stereotype. You could have been my Woody Allen (umm…well, questionable. Also, I hope you got a whiff of sarcasm). My friends said you probably would commit serious crimes against me. I thought differently. You probably were just a sad, lonely, harmless soul. I wasn’t 100% creeped out (okay maybe I was like 95%)… that was until you went, full on, bonafide, creeper status. You stalked me for 48+ hours straight. Calling me every few hours and leaving voicemails. Maybe I would have been flattered (again, questionable), considering you were a successful 30 something, mildly attractive man. Instead, I was sufficiently creeped out by your long and very detailed voicemails and persistence.
We could have been friends that met randomly, spontaneously, serendipitously outside of the gym. Oh, but instead three days later I saw you lurking outside the gym, trying to catch my eye. Thank god for headphones and an iPhone that otherwise make me look preoccupied and busy. Except I accidentally made eye contact. Oh fuck.
At this point consider NYPD notified. As much as I love Law and Order SVU, I’d rather not be a victim. But lets be honest bro, I saved you a few wasted hours/days analyzing some weird chick who probably isn’t interesting at all to stalk. If anything, this ordeal showed me I’m a creature of habit. I frequent the same places, pretty much at the same time of day. Pro? IF some circumstance were to happen where I needed an alibi, my alibi would probably always check out. AND were I to perish from point A to point B, at least one person would worry somewhere along the way, “Wow. Maddy hasn’t been to the gym in 2 days… she must be dead. Notify the authorities”. Con? I’m obviously that much easier to follow around. Also… I’m in a rut that is called life. There. I said it.
Anyways, goodbye forever… hopefully… creepy guy I met walking a bike outside of the gym who liked my shoes. I like my shoes too. Maybe one day I’ll find an attractive male, non creepy male who likes my Sam Edelmans just as much as you did.
The day had finally come. M rolled over in bed to look out the window. She sighed. It was grey and cloudy outside and rain was looming over the city. Typical. She rolled her eyes and flopped back onto her pillow. Closing her eyes she thought, by tonight I will be back with California, as she reminisced over the sun filled, happy days they spent together. California was warm, optimistic and always welcomed her back with its warm embrace. California was safe.
As she started to get out of bed she watched New York in its peaceful slumber. New York on the other hand was cold, and made her both confused and excited at the same time. New York showed her highs and the depths of her lows. Just like the LCD Soundsystem song,
New York I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down
The unpredictable part of New York was something M both loved and hated about it. California, on the other hand, was always there… Dependable. It wasn’t to say that she took California for granted. Absolutely not. When New York showed her its worse with its bipolar weather and exhausting her day after day, M longed to be back in the warm embrace of California. It was natural. After all, she had been with California for most of her life. She knew California like the back of her hand. New York, she still had to get used to.
She and New York had only been together for about two years, but it seemed like a lifetime. They adjusted quickly to each other, making it easy for M to fall in love with New York. How could you not? Everyone that met New York loved it. People who hadn’t, longed to meet it. Some even aspired, dreamt, to be with it one day. And here M was, she had New York. But she wondered, was this relationship sustainable? Would it last? Could it last? Their time together had been, in fact, short. However, M felt as if New York was the new true love … even though she never envisioned anything being as important to her as California was. Their relationship was exciting… every day she’d learn something new about New York, she was constantly learning more … about herself and even about others. That’s the thing about New York… it kept her on her toes.
California made her happy. New York made her feel alive.
Maybe she’d never belong to either of them.
*as expressed through instagrams & ironic/nostalgic prose.
As the Holidaze are approaching, and I am soon flying home to spend time with family and friends back in California, I am preparing (as you should be too) for the inevitable questions that will arise from my/your homecoming. Friends, family, awkwardly distant relatives, your parents’ friends/coworkers, acquaintances, old class mates, etc. will ask you questions, in an attempt to catch up. But to be frank, people either ask questions to A) hear themselves talk, B) so you’ll ask them the same question and they can then talk about themselves, C) are genuinely interested, or D) to engage in small talk because thats the social thing to do. Yes, I’m a cynic, but what can you do about it. With the people that ask questions only to tune you out and wait until youre finished talking, so they can talk about themselves, you can often answer their questions with some imaginative bullshit, and have a great time with it. “So whats your biggest goal in life?” Well, I’d really like to explore the underwater caves of the Great Barrier Reef, sleep with Robert Downey Jr, consume 5 cheeseburgers in one sitting sans regret, ride an ostrich, and write a book. “Wow, thats so great of you. Good luck. I’m hoping to start my own business…”. Blah blah blah. But not everyone is like that of course. Some people genuinely care. Which is why I remind you of my sarcastic nature in which I write this post. So with that, I present to you, the Frequently Asked Questions for the Holidays and KISSMYSASS’S response.
How is school going?/How are you liking your classes?
Well, school is just absolutely superb. 50% of the time I am avoiding doing work, 45% of the time I’m cramming to finish the work I had previously avoided, and the 5% of the time I’m watching Netflix. Or sleeping. Or eating. It’s a busy life I tell you.
How is New York City?
Its great. Real great. I spend hundreds of dollars shopping, a fraction of my day are dedicated to riding the MTA next to smelly, germ infested strangers, and theres a lot of shitty weather. Like rain, once a week. And bums yelling outside my window at 4am.
Do you ever see (insert name of person you went to middle school with who also lives in NYC)?
Um no, I don’t. Because for all I know, they ceased to exist after we went our separate ways and started high school. Also, in case you didn’t know, New York City has over bazillion people, why the fuck would I make an effort to keep tabs on this one person?
Are you working? / Hows work?
No I’m not working. I still live off of the generosity of my great parents. What? I am absolutely not a spoiled brat! Other response: Work is fan fucking tastic. I get paid a bare minimum, and struggle to make ends meet. You know the saying… working to live? I’m living it.
Isn’t it expensive living there?
Um, you might as well ask me, “Do I have a brain?”. Yes! Of fucking course! Between paying off my credit cards, catering to my (online) shopping habits, buying over priced foods, having a coffee addiction, having a cupcake addiction, buying shit I need and buying shit I don’t need… yeah its expensive.
Did you lose/gain weight?
Well, fact of the matter is, it depends on the given day. 5 minutes ago I ate like 4 of those hor d’oeuvres, you should try them theyre really good. So I probably gained like two pounds since I’ve walked in here. Did you all of a sudden become obsessed with the health of every single person you encounter? What does it matter to you? Are you doing a study? I should be flattered, but this is too much. Actually, I’m flattered if you asked me if I lost weight. On a scale of 1-10 what is the level of drastic change you see? 1 being “you look the same as you did in your prepubescent years”, and 10 being “like dayum, youre a whole new person!”
What are your plans after you’re done with school?
AKA youre asking me if I have my life set up. You’re trying to be polite and cordial about it, but I see through that. The answer is NO. I have no plans, no aspirations, no goals in life. It’s a toss up once I graduate college. Other responses: Sigh.
Are you seeing anyone? / Have anyone special in your life?
This is probably about the 82nd time someone’s asked me this since I’ve been home. If by someone special, you mean the manager / guy who smiles at me with pity who works at 16 Handles FroYo, then, yes. Yes I am… I see him once every few weeks… every week if we get real crazy up in here. Other than that, no. Clearly I’m a misanthrope. I rock being forever alone. Other responses: Break down into a fit of tears while sobbing “Why can’t people just understand that at this point in my life I’m just trying to DO ME?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” -This will teach the asker, and everyone in the vicinity, to never ask you that question again. Thus turning this into a “sore subject”.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS REGARDING THE HOLIDAYS:
- Is it okay to pass out at family functions/dinners? Yes. If its that dreadful that you’re drinking that much, save yourself (and others) and just fall asleep on the nearest couch. Blame it on the tryptophan in the turkey. Oh, it was chicken? Oh. Well, I’m still getting used to the three hour time difference.
- How do I avoid boring small talk / awkward conversations with distant relatives / acquaintances / friends? Find the nearest dog, or cat, and pet it. It will be your next best friend throughout the party/dinner/gathering.
- I don’t like children. But my family is full of them. How do I survive? Avoid eye contact. Or smiling at them. I find children are very receptive to smiles. Don’t do it.
- My significant other is coming home with my for the holidays. Help! Just introduce them as your “frrrrrriend”. Everyone will get the picture. Trust me, your family will be so overjoyed someone outside of your bloodline cares about you (thus taking the burden off of them) that they won’t even question it – or say anything. You’ll probably piss off your S.O. by introducing them as your “friend”, but who cares.
- I can’t stand my relatives’ cooking. I feel like I’m being force fed when I go over, and don’t want to be rude. How do I avoid it? Don’t eat there. Duh. Say you’re on a diet. Better yet, you’re training for a marathon and need to watch your caloric intake. Or that you’ve developed an allergy to gluten. Or that you have a stomach ache.
Well, there you have it! Happy Holidaze! Feel free to submit other questions you need answers to. Because obviously someone values my input.
Noel Fielding once said, “It’s impossible to be unhappy while wearing a poncho!” I have no idea who Noel Fielding is… besides the fact that his Wiki entry says he is a “British surrealist, comedian, actor, DJ and music artist”. Whatever his credentials be… he sure is right! I wore this number on a particularly cold day, and minus the sockless Toms (I couldn’t pull off Toms with socks), I was absolutely toasty. Best things about wearing a poncho: 1) In class, it doubles as a comfy blanket 2) In the wind, you can essentially fly. More importantly, in 2010, ManRepeller (AKA my idol/role model) listed a Plaid Poncho as number 1 in “Three Accessories That Will Instantly Desexify Your Look“
Obviously great minds think alike.
Moral of the story is: ponchos are warm, fuzzy, and fabulous. Who cares if you repel men? Youre comfy as fuck, and when it comes down to it, that’s all that matters.
Plaid poncho: Uniqlo
Herringbone knit pants: H&M
Orange umbrella: NYU freebie I obviously took advantage of.
1:00PM- Email that classes for the following day, Monday, will be cancelled, due to Hurricane Sandy. 3 Day weekend? I think yes! Go about my Sunday.
2:30PM- Email that classes for Tuesday are cancelled as well, due to Hurricane Sandy… still no sign of the impending disaster. Nonetheless absolutely overjoyed.
3:00PM- Maybe I spoke to soon. Sandy is here, probably. Not that I’m a meterologist or anything, but its super windy. Windy as in if I were to go outside, life my arms out and let me jacket loose, I’d probably fly away like a kite.
4:00PM- Email from NYU advising what to do if/when power goes out. Great. Read, “residence halls might have to evacuate”… popped a Xanax and took a nap from stress. Woke up. Went downstairs for potato chips and Ben & Jerrys. Read said NYU email again, thorougly this time, and imagined how angry I / my parents would be if NYU took us to a shelter with bums and crackheads. Pluses – free food, lots of people including firemen / strong male helpers. Minuses- crackheads and bums. Cockroaches. Anxiety of all my belongings being left behind. On second though, NYU would probably relocate all of us students to the school gym.
5:00PM- Email from my mother, re-iterating that I really should pack a “go bag” like the NYU email said to. My answer- HELL NO… although I seriously considered it.
5:20PM- Call from my mother telling me again that I really should pack a bag. No wonder I’m always so anxious / paranoid. I get it from my mother. After a reassuring phone conversation, pulled out weekend bag, threw in chargers, book, socks, wallet, sweatshirt. Realized it was a sorry excuse for an emergency “go bag”. Oh well.
6:00-9:00PM- While Sandy fucks shit up outside, I have a movie marathon in the vicinity of my own room. Starting with The Roommate, 21 Jump Street, and concluding with Season 3 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. This is followed by a dance party with the Grease sound track in honor of Sandy. Hurricane Sandy in Grease seems just as nice girl and prude as Sandy in Grease. Again, I jinx it. Lights begin to flicker, multiple power surges.
9:30PM- Lose power and water. Sandy is officially a bitch for making me miss the winner of RuPaul’s Christmas Challenge. Sandy is raging outside – crazy, derranged bitch. Nothing else to do so I go to sleep at 12am – by far the earliest I’ve ever fallen asleep since I’ve been in college. I’m disgusted with myself.
8:30AM- Wake up, can’t go back to sleep. Cell reception and wifi is officially gone. I’m fucked. My life is incomplete. I have fallen off the grid. Go outside to see Sandy’s devastation, thus leaving the confines of my apartment for the first time in 24+ hours. I am a mole person. My eyes take awhile to adjust
9:30AM- Walk outside. Branches/trees everywhere. The greenest and leafiest New York I have ever seen. Walk by tourists taking pictures of people pumping water out of their basements on 14th street as well as the lines at the pay phones. Tourists are douchebags. But all New Yorkers know that. I silently make fun of the people on payphones.
1:00PM- Walk into apartment. Food is definitely going bad in fridge. Almost gag from the smell. Go back out and try to find somewhere that miraculously is open to eat. Find that even bodegas aren’t open! WTF. SoHo honestly looks like a zombie apocalypse. Find a trendy place thats open. Feelings go from excitement to disgust when I see the food they actually are serving (compared to the food they usually serve). Some poor tourist gets served a giant sausage with canned beans poured on top on a paper plate looking like its about to tear through. Walk a bit further to find “Indian Food To Go” fashioned out of paper boxes… Um I’ll pass. Ended up finding a pizza place open due to their true brick oven claims.
3:00PM- Stop at NYU Student Center to charge electronics. Resembles food kitchens. Fully functioning and fully lit space is definitely a plus. Nasty sandwiches and grumpy students still studying / doing work ( what the fuck for, I don’t know) – definitely a minus.
7:00PM- Told tonight would be optional evacuation and tomorrow after 3PM would be mandatory. Picture thousands of NYU kids in NYU gym, not showering. Opt to stay with roommate and her family without power but with running water. Pack bag within 15 minutes – by far the fastest I’ve ever packed for anything. Proceed to walk up to roommates house in the pitch black dark, absolutely deserted, sans street lights or traffic signs. Zombie apocalypse type shit.
8:30PM- Survive the walk. Call parents to let them know I am indeed alive via phonebooth. It took me 10 minutes to figure out how to use it. G-H-E-T-T-O. Almost certain I’ve contracted a disease on my ear from using phonebooth more than once.
11:30PM- Without power, wifi, or cell reception nothing to do. Decide to go to sleep.
10:00AM- After freezing cold shower I am semi-ready to take on the world. Walk down to my building to pick up things before mandatory evacuation.
12:00PM- Sneak in with roommate into her lab to bask in power, wifi, and running water. For an hour or so I rejoin civilation with my texts working, facebook, twitter, updates, etc. I have been deprived.
Oh it’s Halloween? Oh well. I hate Halloween anyways.
10:00AM- Take a working bus up to 42nd street to again rejoin civilization. See masses of National Guards and their trucks / RVs on 23rd street. Slightly frightened. Flashbacks of I Am Legend / The Day After Tomorrow. Ugh. Realize that past 34th street its a whole other universe. Everything works. Everyone is going on with their life. Restaurants are open, STARBUCKS and CHIPOTLE are open. People might actually even be going to WORK and SCHOOL! Meanwhile downtown, people are struggling big time. Take advantage of Starbucks. Nothing else to do but shop. Minimal damage.
Currently in NYU’s
Student Center on campus refugee camp. Last night Alec Baldwin came to visit students and “offer words of encouragement”… hoping for some celeb sightings. Probably unlikely. Meanwhile, holding my breath as I charge my appliances, suck the WiFi out of the building all while trying to avoid the smell of all of the unwashed students. Wiffs of B.O. is prevalent. Mixed with the meals theyre giving out. Stomach curdling.
Just realized I’m a spoiled bitch.
Considering we probably won’t get our electricity/water back until late Saturday or Sunday and don’t have classes until Monday, I have decided that life without WiFi and electricity is really not that exciting. This is some urban camping shit. Let me tell you.