Tagged: okcupid
Men Say the Darndest Things: Part Trois
In case you missed it, check out PART ONE and PART DEUX.
You deal with average men on a regular basis. I’m well aware of how superior I am to them. They really don’t do you justice.
This by far has been one of my favorite things a heterosexual male (this one I am actually friends with) has ever said to me. Preach, jock. Also, check out his blog – who said muscular jocks can’t write well?
We need to speak.
I’m so in to Cali girls.
I feel the sense of urgency here. I really do. Its just, I don’t give a shit. And I hate being stereotyped as a “cali” girl. I’m from California. Not Cali. Nails to a fucking chalkboard.
……..Ok, I admit it. I like your style and I think we might well be the two coolest people out here! We should totally take advantage of it, and elope to Tibet, spend a kick ass year in Shangri La and live happily ever after, throwing money in trash and partying like Charlie Sheen. I have this whole thing planned out, so all you have to do is sit by the pool, drink margaritas and get oiled up by hot pool boys all day while I go on my mountaineering expeditions. So I’m really banking on you to say yes to this or I’m going to have to just find Liya Kebede and I don’t think the plan will turn out as well.
Wow. First of all, I don’t want to party like Charlie Sheen. Second of all, your mountaineering expeditions? Third of all, NO.
The law says that you cannot touch, but I think I see a lot of lawbreakers up in this house tonight.
Oh yeah? I see a lot of creeps and rapists too.
Ok you are seriously adorable. Can I adopt you as my little sister? I’ll make us kool-aid and protect you from the other kids on the playground, I promise
WHAT?! This reads: I’m into exploring role playing where you are the younger girl and have to depend on me for help. Does it not? Stop please.
You’re cute and seem to have substance, not an easy combo to come by. I’m intrigued
No, no, no, no, no, bro. I get you’re trying to compliment me (and I’ll be the first to admit I’m terrible at accepting compliments), but I SEEM to have SUBSTANCE?! NO! I have fucking substance and don’t you forget it bro. You seem to be an asshole Also, speaking for my ladies out there… everyone has substance. You’re just a douchebag if you can’t see it.
How would you rate your snarky humor?
Is my humor snarky? What?
You have a blog that you shamelessly plug yet only one pic of yourself. That’s a-grade narcissism and a complete lack thereof at the same time. Consider my circuits scrambled. Not serious… Kinda serious…It’s all good if you are aware of it… I have an intuition that you are the type you have to shuush at times when there’s too much crazy stuff popping out that turns heads at surrounding tables… haha
I’ll agree with you on the “a-grade narcissism”. What can you do. However, don’t agree with you calling me a cocky, crazy bitch though. Learn your manners! RUDE!
Have crazy OkCupid stories? Do men say weird shit to you on a regular basis? Lets hear it! Email that shit in pronto to youcankissmysass@gmail.com .
Men Say The Darndest Things: Part Deux
In case you missed Part One, check it out HERE. If you missed Part One, or forgot about it, or quite frankly couldn’t give two shits, let me summarize: In no way do I take online dating seriously… this should be strong evidence in support of that. Here are some gems that have been accumulating in my inbox:
“I see you are a very motivated and highly energetic person, love that. if u hang out with me sadly ull become less motivated and very much lazy haha”
Hey now, don’t sell yourself short there buddy. Just kidding, that being said – tell me again why I would want to get to know you? Let alone grace your lazy ass with my presence? Are you trying to repel people from you? Whats your motive here?
“Sarcasm is my favorite language, is that what your write your blog in?”
Abso-fucking-lutely. What do you think? Maybe this guy is my soulmate… talk sarcasm to me, baby.
“can’t tell if crazy… or very fun. haha, but it pays to be eccentric (and sorry, I just had to point that out there – after all, what the HECK is on your head?? Trying to be Aladdin much?)”
Why can’t I be crazy and very fun? Can you only pick one? You say eccentric like its a bad thing. And, what the HECK is on my head? ITS A FUCKING TURBAN MADE OUT OF TIGHTS… because I’m resourceful and quirky like that. And you my friend, are a racist. I’m Asian… do you THINK I’m trying to be like Aladdin?! What the HECK is on/in YOUR head?!
“DROP THE MIC!
IT’S YO BOY MIKE!
WANT TO GO SEE MAGIC MIKE?”
No, not really white boy. First of all, I question any straight male who will willingly see Magic Mike. Second of all, give up looking for a date online… your slim shady career will take you places…I can just imagine you have groupies galore. Look, I can rap too…
My name is Maddy
I ain’t your caddy
But I sure am classy like in Downton Abbey!
But you don’t see me getting many dates, do you? People need to stop hating and start appreciating our God-given talent, Mike.
“Are you the type of person that finishes her friend’s plate when she goes out to eat? Because that would be awesome.”
Are you the type of person that calls another person fat? Because that would not be awesome. But if you weren’t calling me fat, then yeah, I do finish my friends plate when I’m out – there are starving children out there. So I guess you can say its awesome that I act as an ethically sound garbage disposal. Or perhaps you’re one of those guys that has a fetish for watching girls eat. Ew. The deranged world will never know.
“Having a 4 million dollar net worth at age 23 is interesting? Or not really.”
Being modest is pretty interesting too. Asshole. You’re clearly looking for a gold-digger.
I literally LOL everytime I check up on my account and see these messages. Sometimes I feel like these types of guys live in an alternate universe considering they think its okay to get away with saying this shit. Priceless.
Sigh…
Forever Alone.
Men Say The Darndest Things
Okay, okay, I’ll admit… many months ago I made myself an OkCupid account, just for kicks (that’s how it always starts, right?). I was legitimately curious to see what kind of people are on that website / are looking to online date. Anyways, I rarely check the account, and typically get emails from the account notifying me of new messages or someone winking at me or checking me out (thanks for being my wingman OkCupid). As I am home, and work hasn’t started yet, I’ve been incredibly bored, so I decided to log in and the messages I have read have been completely, and utterly fantastic. Here are a few winners.
“generic overexcited greeting! obvious reference to profile information, with or without drawing a comparison between what we put on our profiles. rhetorical question? rhetorical answer! unnecessary semi-forced semi-witty remark. laughing onomatopoeia! humble request for further communication?”
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE DENIAL OF REQUEST FOR FURTHER COMMUNICATION. I only wish I had the balls/heart to respond like that. People are ODD. “laughing onomatopoeia”? Maybe my refusal to respond back to his message for 3 months is a sufficient answer to his attempt at a witty, original message and request for further communication.
“Sex and the city?! Omg my fav!! Lol jk, how’s it going?”
Rule number one: DONT fucking joke around about Sex And The City. Its not a joke. It’s not a laughing matter. I don’t think its funny. Who do you think you are?
“you are so feminine. your hands are beautiful. so sexy. i like goodlooking hands and feet 
“
LOLWUT. First of all, “you are so feminine” – I’m completely thankful that someone finds me feminine, so I guess I’ll take that as a compliment. Like, what else would you expect? Second of all, my hands? How, through a thumbnail picture of my face and me holding a drink do you judge a person’s hands?! Third of all, foot fetishes … not my deal. I really should tell this guy he shouldn’t start off a conversation by revealing his weird fetish. Last of all, get your weird as fuck winky face out of here.
“I am vaguely exciting. Your curiosity should have you messaging me by the time you’re done reading this.”
Hmm, no. Not really. Sorry. I’m as curious as Ricky Martin in an all female strip club.
“Not gonna lie, your profile screams hipster, but then, I don’t really mind”
So, umm… your point?
“hey hun how are you, you are sooo “GORBEAUTE” my way in saying you are very gorgeous, beautiful, and cute in one word lol maybe we could get to know eachother better, im hoping youll gimme a chance and holla at me”
For starters, don’t call me hun. I will cut off your balls. Next, MAKING UP WORDS IS NOT CUTE. Yeah, I do it. I say weird shit like “funsies” and often do not pronounce the final syllables of words, but thats just me. WTF kind of word is GORBEAUTE… it sounds like a monster, or a rabid animal. So by calling me gorbeaute, its an insult… despite your explanation. Also, I do not holla.
In conclusion, people on OkCupid, and I’d imagine on any dating website for that matter, are weird / odd / socially inept. Its quite comical. I couldn’t even bring myself to copy on here the many incoherent messages like “WUDDUP B3AUTiFUL, H0W YU D0iN’”. Like, excuse me? Is that English? Its looks like computer code or binary to me. Maybe you should learn to use your keyboard before you try to communicate with me. I’m not sure if people are trying to set themselves apart, or trying to be completely original by making a fool of themselves by sending messages like that. Who knows. All I know is, this is further evidence that men are weird.
