Your chakras are your centers of your vital energy, or prana. These exist at central parts of your body – main arteries, organs, etc. After a certain amount of time, our chakras get blocked, bogged down, and cluttered. Sometimes we find these centers of energies at an imbalance. All of these things negatively effect our being and our outlook on life. Spring cleaning is the time to clear our chakras, clear our minds, and de-clutter.
You’re all like, I couldn’t give two shits about my cha-chas or chakras
I’m like, Whatever! Here’s your guide to spring cleaning!:
Spirit: The Crown Chakra
Be happier. Cut out the shit that annoys you, pisses you off, or aggravates you. Its unnecessary. Just do it. It’s pretty simple.
Psychic: The Third Eye Chakra
Let’s be honest, no one has an answer to “What are you doing with your life?”. Only douchebags ask that question anyways. I have no idea. I have no goals. I have no images of my future. I do, however, believe in short term, attainable goals. Like what can you do now to improve your life for the next week, the next month? Find what drives you. Who or what inspires you? Motivates you? Figure. It. Out. But other than that, I’ve got nothing for you here. What counts is that I have a third eye muthaf*****s.
When people ask you what you’re doing with your life:
Communication: The Throat Chakra
Relationships are important, but it’s actually a fact that most couples breakup either before Christmas or before/during Spring break. It’s the shittiest thing too, because the weathers just getting warm again and things are looking up and BLAM! Hoop, there it is. Also, people often just want someone to cuddle up with in the cold months so they opt for the relationship. But in some cases it needs to happen. All part of that chakra cleansing. Maybe its not only the time for relationships to end but for our emotional attachments to as well. Time to re-evaluate your priorities, find what matters. Deep shit, I know. It’d be advisable to detox all of your relationships. Those friendships / relationships that are toxic to you? As they say, ixnay on the elationshipsray! They don’t actually say that. I don’t know who ‘they’ even is anyways. I just wanted to say that. But in all seriousness, though it may feel great to have millions of acquaintances and tons of friends, sometimes you need to cut the shit out if it isn’t proving to be positive for you. Maybe you don’t like cutting your ties, whatever. A good place to start is to edit your phone contacts. You’d be suprised how many randos you’ll find – and at the same time, how many funny things you’ll remember whilst going through them. While youre at it, take it a step further and clean out your Facebook friends. Count on your meaningful relationships. Its all about the quality, not the quantity. That being said, work on the relationships that DO matter to you. Don’t let them fall by the wayside.
When you decide your through with your Facebook friends’ pointless updates and stupid pictures with their boyfriends:
Heart: The Heart Chakra
I can sit here and say, eat healthy! Start off with a great juice cleanse! No carbs! Only fruits and veggies! That’d be nice huh? But forreal? No one has time for that. Let’s face it, you’re not going to diet. I mean, you’ll probably starve yourself for 24hrs before you have to get into your first bikini of the season. But as far as proactive decisions go, it aint gonna happen. What I do suggest, if youre trying to be healthier, is to record or write down everything you put into your mouth (foodwise… you know). Just do it. Maybe after a week or so you’ll sit back and look at it and be like “Goddamn I intake like a garbage can in Times Square!”, or “How am I alive if this is all I eat?”, or maybe you come from some higher power and will be like “Damn, killed it. Anyone want nutrition classes?”. In any case, its always good to be consciously aware of what youre eating. What you decide to do with that information is all on you bro. If you want to cut out certain things, add in more nutrients, yaddayaddayadda, that’s all you, totally commend you for it. While you become aware of what youre eating its also a great idea to get some healthy exercise in there too. I’m kind of a fitness addict/junkie so I’m in no place to give solid advice here, but the endorphins bro… amazing.
So first youre like:
But then youre like:
Life Force: The Solar Plexus Chakra
Whos always had your back? The fam bam. Call your family. You probably haven’t in awhile. Chat up with the relatives, even if you just listen to them vent. It’s good to remind the people you love that you’re there and you do in fact love them every so often. They are your biggest supporters anyways.
Creative: The Splenic Chakra
You have that creative drive or you don’t. You have style, swag, or an eye for things, or you don’t. There’s no changing that, who are we kidding? Sorry you’re a basic bitch.
The Earth: Root Chakra
We all hate cleaning. But you really shouldn’t live in a pig sty. Start by doing your laundry, that’s a simple start. Then you can move on to taking out whatever moldy, smelly ass thing that has been penetrating your nose in your refrigerator. Get that stank out. Throw away old shit, not just food, but also unnecessary crap lying around. Just think about that those episodes of Hoarders where the hoarders go crazy psycho. Maybe even throw away/donate old clothes. I know, its hard to part with them. When my mom used to go through my closets and pick out clothes to donate, I would go into hysterics. Speaking of Hoarders, I’d get as bad as they do on the show – where they have their mental break down and need to sit down and start getting grouchy and yell at everyone throwing shit into the dumpsters. “WHAT IS THAT YOURE THROWING AWAY?! OF COURSE I WANT TO KEEP MY WALKMAN FROM 1991! IT STILL WORKS, DOESN’T IT?!” Grow some balls and do it.
You try to be a better person and spring clean your life, but instead youre like:If youre not a strong proponent of spring cleaning and personal improvement, I don’t blame you one bit. Naturally we probably are all lazy anyways. As idealistic as it sounds, and as much as you’re like “I’m starting fresh! Here’s to new beginnings! Clean slate” blah blah blah, most of us lack the willpower. If you do, then you deserve a gold fucking star! Either way, at the end of the day, you can always opt for a colonoscopy. I’m sure that’ll do wonders for those chakras.
Ladies and gentlemen. I am disgusted by our own kind. This new app called “Lulu” has been on my radar for awhile now. I’ve refused to look into it, but for the sake of writing a blog post about it, I gave in.
What is Lulu:
According to their FAQ:
If you meet a guy at a party and hit it off, admit it: you’re going to Facebook and Google him when you get home. Lulu is the place to do your research. Except we’re not going to bore you with whether he’s registered to vote. No way. Lulu tells you the stuff you want to know: is he a heartbreaker or your future husband? Lulu is the fastest way you can find out if he has a good track record with the ladies.
First of all, this sounds like a Stage 5 Clinger’s manifesto. On paper its essentially its an app only for girls. It makes you login through Facebook (it swears it won’t post on your wall, etc. but I doubt that’s true) to verify you are indeed a female, and also so it can pull up all of your friends/friends info. It’s a social network for ladies in which you can rate your male friends / dates / exes ranging from your relationship with said male, hashtags, and their Humor, Appearance, Manners, Sex, First Kiss, Ambition and Commitment on a scale of 1-10.
Off paper Lulu is a snarky, catty, terrible app. Think Mean Girls’ Burn Book but for scorned bitches everywhere seeking revenge on that one night stand or that bad breakup. It’s a terrible idea for many reasons, to name a few:
1) Dating/getting to know someone shouldn’t be based off of what other people think. You immediately close yourself off if you do this.
2) Obviously everything on that app is bound to be biased. You can’t believe everything you read.
3) Girls talk about being objectified, etc. ALL THE DAMN TIME. While I agree (to some extent), I also think that this is even worse. Degrading a dude just to numbers or a set of awkward Hashtags is terrible.
I figured so long as I had the app, I should see what people were saying about the guys I knew.
Exhibit A: average score 6.7
Reviews: “The sex might be a bit lackluster”, “He’s about as funny as a funeral, but his manners are perfection squared”, and “The word ‘girlfriend’ gives him hives, but his looks could turn a sane girl mad”.
Best Hashtags: #RespectsWomen; #AlwaysPays; #SweetToMom; #OpensDoors
Worst Hashtags: #NoseHair; #NoEdge; #NoGoals #QuestionableSearchHistory
Exhibit B: average score 8.4
Reviews: “His face might take some getting used to, but he’ll keep you giggling all night long”, “He’s so funny, you’ll spend your life laughing your ass off”
Best Hashtags: #BedroomEyes; #HoldsHisLiquor; #NotADick; #EpicSmile
Worst Hashtags: #CheaperThanABigMac; #WanderingEye; #GoneInTheMorning
Exhibit C: average score 7.6
Reviews: “He’s no slouch in the hotness department”, “Commitment isn’t really his thing, but he’s got what it takes to be very successful”, “He could teach a course on kissing technique”
Best Hashtags: #LifeOfTheParty; #TeddyBear; #AmazingCuddles; #StrongHands
Worst Hashtags: #OneTrackMind; #TotalF***ingDickhead; #IntegrityChallenged; #ManChild; #TrustFundBaby
Uhh yeah, you get the picture. Summarily, this app poses a disgusting way to talk shit about people. No one’s going to go on this thing and be like, “Hey, you know what, that was a great hookup with so-and-so, I’m going to write a rave review about him!”. Just. No. Instead, people will use this to gain revenge, be bitchy, or just f*** around. Which is a shame. However you see it – whether this app can be useful or is stupid (I stand in this party obviously), something should be said about the fact that what happens in the past stays in the past. If my dating past followed me (which it sometimes does) in every interaction I have, I would be completely screwed. The thing about meeting new people, starting new relationships, and dating is that you’re being opened to new perspectives and ideas. This app completely closes off all possibilities for a person to change their past or their ways.
I mean, just like Ben Affleck said, “You can’t hold grudges, it’s hard”.
Another reason why this app is absolutely unclassy (and here at YouCanKissMySass we set the bar for classiness ;] ), disdainful, and cringeworthy is because it breaks down men to a series of insulting reviews, hashtags and numbers. Women are CONSTANTLY talking about how we’re always objectified, our bodies, our roles in society, etc. This app, is no worse – it magnifies the objectification actually. #SixPack, #WearsCrocs, #HotCar, #TallDarkAndHandsome. Is that any better? I promise you, had this been reversed: an app for men to review women, feminists/feminazis would be on this shit like no other. It’d be breaking news, the app creators would probably get attacked, very publicly, and the app would be taken down. Could you imagine? Double standards here. So ladies, do yourself, and mankind a favor and don’t support/use/encourage the use of this app. If you do… well, I disown you through the Internet and you’re a disgrace.
I’m standing up for my dudes and bros here.
You deal with average men on a regular basis. I’m well aware of how superior I am to them. They really don’t do you justice.
This by far has been one of my favorite things a heterosexual male (this one I am actually friends with) has ever said to me. Preach, jock. Also, check out his blog – who said muscular jocks can’t write well?
We need to speak.
I’m so in to Cali girls.
I feel the sense of urgency here. I really do. Its just, I don’t give a shit. And I hate being stereotyped as a “cali” girl. I’m from California. Not Cali. Nails to a fucking chalkboard.
……..Ok, I admit it. I like your style and I think we might well be the two coolest people out here! We should totally take advantage of it, and elope to Tibet, spend a kick ass year in Shangri La and live happily ever after, throwing money in trash and partying like Charlie Sheen. I have this whole thing planned out, so all you have to do is sit by the pool, drink margaritas and get oiled up by hot pool boys all day while I go on my mountaineering expeditions. So I’m really banking on you to say yes to this or I’m going to have to just find Liya Kebede and I don’t think the plan will turn out as well.
Wow. First of all, I don’t want to party like Charlie Sheen. Second of all, your mountaineering expeditions? Third of all, NO.
The law says that you cannot touch, but I think I see a lot of lawbreakers up in this house tonight.
Oh yeah? I see a lot of creeps and rapists too.
Ok you are seriously adorable. Can I adopt you as my little sister? I’ll make us kool-aid and protect you from the other kids on the playground, I promise
WHAT?! This reads: I’m into exploring role playing where you are the younger girl and have to depend on me for help. Does it not? Stop please.
You’re cute and seem to have substance, not an easy combo to come by. I’m intrigued
No, no, no, no, no, bro. I get you’re trying to compliment me (and I’ll be the first to admit I’m terrible at accepting compliments), but I SEEM to have SUBSTANCE?! NO! I have fucking substance and don’t you forget it bro. You seem to be an asshole Also, speaking for my ladies out there… everyone has substance. You’re just a douchebag if you can’t see it.
How would you rate your snarky humor?
Is my humor snarky? What?
You have a blog that you shamelessly plug yet only one pic of yourself. That’s a-grade narcissism and a complete lack thereof at the same time. Consider my circuits scrambled. Not serious… Kinda serious…It’s all good if you are aware of it… I have an intuition that you are the type you have to shuush at times when there’s too much crazy stuff popping out that turns heads at surrounding tables… haha
I’ll agree with you on the “a-grade narcissism”. What can you do. However, don’t agree with you calling me a cocky, crazy bitch though. Learn your manners! RUDE!
Have crazy OkCupid stories? Do men say weird shit to you on a regular basis? Lets hear it! Email that shit in pronto to email@example.com .
I’m a huge baseball fan (sports junkie in general), so as you can imagine, watching my SF Giants play in the post season has been extremely stressful and infuriating. But I’ve realized, that’s the general nature of men… to be stressful and infuriating. I’ve also simultaneously decided we can learn a lot about men by just watching baseball, ladies. And I’m not just talking an anatomy lesson here, because, as we all know, baseball pants are to men as yoga pants are to women.
Money. Despite the amount of money they spend on their appearance, they’re still susceptible to sucking… and failing miserably. Take the LA Dodgers for instance. Blockbuster trade, but with nothing to show for it. So sad. You spend all that dinero to look fly, but you’re still really ugly. Money only gets you so far. Some of the best players aren’t on multimillion dollar contracts, but instead are homegrown rookies – just coming into being a man and looking all handsome and shit.
Always Keep An Eye on Them. They might get caught. As a woman, you need to show the men in your life some TLC. We all know they have short attention spans. They might get caught running on you. Its the good guys in the game like Buster Posey and Yadier Molina that will catch them stealing, and teach them a lesson. Always be skeptical – just like a pitcher on the mound checking up on runners – never assume, but be prepared.
Copious Amounts of Facial Hair. Beards are in. Walk around the city and you’ll see… the whiteboy/Jewish hipster with beard is very much in style right now. I have a theory it started with Brian Wilson’s beard. #FEARTHEBEARD
First Appearances Aren’t Everything. Typically the guy hitting .390 is more popular amongst the fans than the guy hitting .152. But is that all that matters? Well maybe. At first look, it seems Mr. .390 is the shit… but spend a little time with subpar Mr. .152, and you find he can be just as good as .390. Maybe he doesn’t come off the page and grab you right away, but he grows on you, with time. Besides, the underdog story is always more interesting than the headliner.
They’ll Always Come Home. They travel, they have groupies on the road or wherever they go. They’ll have fun out there in the world, meet other people, battle it out with others… but in the end they’ll always come home. There’s always something at the end of the day that they’ll look forward to.
The Uniform.Sometimes, the right outfit can make or break a guy. Wearing Dodger blue? Deal breaker, my friend. Even if he’s just wearing the hat… Uhmm, no. Sorry, enough Dodger hating. As a diehard SF Giants fan, I’ve purposely not only turned down a guy wearing an LA Dodgers emblem, but have also gone out of my way to make his day/night miserable. Serves you right to flaunt that disgusting blue around.
Junk Adjusting. Men constantly touch their junk. But hey, no one needs to watch baseball to know that. They’re obsessed with their penises… but like I said, no one needs to watch a baseball game to figure that out.
Signs. The signs that men give out are very sneaky and covert… At times unreadable and incomprehensible. Sometimes the catcher/pitcher gets crossed up, sometimes things get lost in translation. It can get confusing when trying to read men.
Cant Win Em All. Theres 162 games in the regular season, you need to learn to pick up, get over it, and move on.
Its A Mental Game. Always. Baseball is heavily weighted on math, physics, blah blah, but most of all the pure psychology of the players. The psyche. The superstitions. The routines. They will mindfuck you to no end. But in the end, you can’t let them win. Take control, play your own game. It’s not that hard.
What Kind of Fan Are You? Men will test you. Just like any baseball team tests their fans. Are you a fairweather or bandwagoner? Or are you a ride or die chick, whos always there for the ups and downs, the slumps and the playoff rush?
Also, DILFs are always nice eyecandy. That is all.
Actually, for you men out there who happen to read my blog (I checked out my visitors and my stats – a percentage of you male readers DOES in fact, exist) a bit of advice: Don’t go swinging your bat at every
bitch pitch you see. Sometimes the best hits come with time. You have to wait it out. Maybe your next at bat even. But it’ll be worth the wait, I’m sure. Swinging indiscriminately at everything you see will get you nowhere – except a bad reputation as a guy who will always strike out.
- Their name sake. Obviously. I don’t think I’ve been able to look at another guy with the same name as one of my exes and not have queasy / uneasy feelings or nostalgia. Hearing the name makes me A) want to run and hide, B) puke until my stomach is inverted, or C) just teleport to my bed, take a xanax and sleep it off. To say a strong reaction results is a huge understatement.
- Bon Iver. I’m currently trying to still listen to Bon Iver without thinking about the emotions tied with certain songs. Goddammit, Bon Iver, why do you have to be so lovely and emotional and heart wrenching? Oh, its hipsterlove.
- Being an avid sports fan. I’m very loyal to my local home teams – the SF Giants and the 49ers. Meeting other people in New York means clashing with fans of different teams. Being a girl, they expect me to dial down my enthusiasm so they can exert their superiority and pretend like their team is the best and they know what they’re talking about. This is rarely the case (me dialing down my enthusiasm, and other people knowing what they’re talking about), so I either compromise my sports fan ideals for a man (its rarely reversed), or move on.
- My Birthmarks/Freckles. One of my exes always pointed out every little sun spot or freckle or birthmark (what is the difference), I had all over me… some I didn’t even know existed. It was real cute… until they admitted their ex had one in the same spot I did. Now I’m left constantly wondering if my ex will say to their next girlfriend, “My last two ex girlfriends had a birthmark right there”. I mean, that’s totally something you go over when you cover all the bases the first date, right? In the meantime, I can totally laser remove this birthmark, right? AKA Can I wipe away this terrible memory?
- My Expectations of Foreign Men. Highly exaggerated? Probably, yes.
- My Hair. Someone once helped me convince myself that it’d be a good idea to cut my hair into a short A-line bob. It was cute for a bit … but I’d rather have not been convinced (It SUCKS trying to figure out a way to put your hair up – all those layers, all that shortness.. don’t even get me started on the hassel its been growing it longer). Unfortunately I can’t blame that one time I died my hair red/copper color (an subsequently resembled a Japanese tourist) on a significant other or man of my past… my own fault.
- Man-Oogling. A bunch of the guys I’ve dated have been extremely jealous. Even to the point where I’d be watching TV and comment on how hot Jon Hamm, or Ryan Gosling, or Robert Downey Jr. is looking, and he would blow a gasket and legitimately get upset about the fact that I wasn’t concentrating such energies in telling him how hot he looked. Ridiculous, right? Anyways, every time I look through magazines or watch TV etc. I feel incredibly guilty thinking such thoughts about good looking men. Like, Aaron Rodgers will come up on TV, and I’ll stare and drool for 5 seconds, and like a dog trained by an electric fence, jerk my head away and hush those bad thoughts. Kidding…slightly.
- LUSH Dirty Soap. The smell – a cross between spearmint and Old Spice, gives me nausea. Thanks to a great employee discount at LUSH, I’d often buy Dirty Soap (one of the products streamlined for men) for man friends. I’m not sure if they actually liked the smell/soap, or if they had too much fun saying “I’m going to the shower to get Dirty” or “I’m a Dirty boy” or “Dirty boys need to get clean”, etc. (okay I threw in a few I made up on my own, but you get the picture), either way, they used it, so with my great employee discount, all I smelled was Dirty! Now the fumes just make me want to projectile vomit.
cheers to singledom and being haunted by your past!!!