Your chakras are your centers of your vital energy, or prana. These exist at central parts of your body – main arteries, organs, etc. After a certain amount of time, our chakras get blocked, bogged down, and cluttered. Sometimes we find these centers of energies at an imbalance. All of these things negatively effect our being and our outlook on life. Spring cleaning is the time to clear our chakras, clear our minds, and de-clutter.

You’re all like, I couldn’t give two shits about my cha-chas or chakras

 I’m like, Whatever! Here’s your guide to spring cleaning!:

Spirit: The Crown Chakra

Be happier. Cut out the shit that annoys you, pisses you off, or aggravates you. Its unnecessary. Just do it. It’s pretty simple.

Psychic: The Third Eye Chakra

Let’s be honest, no one has an answer to “What are you doing with your life?”. Only douchebags ask that question anyways. I have no idea. I have no goals. I have no images of my future. I do, however, believe in short term, attainable goals. Like what can you do now to improve your life for the next week, the next month? Find what drives you. Who or what inspires you? Motivates you? Figure. It. Out. But other than that, I’ve got nothing for you here. What counts is that I have a third eye muthaf*****s.

When people ask you what you’re doing with your life:

Communication: The Throat Chakra

Relationships are important, but it’s actually a fact that most couples breakup either before Christmas or before/during Spring break.  It’s the shittiest thing too, because the weathers just getting warm again and things are looking up and BLAM! Hoop, there it is. Also, people often just want someone to cuddle up with in the cold months so they opt for the relationship. But in some cases it needs to happen. All part of that chakra cleansing. Maybe its not only the time for relationships to end but for our emotional attachments to as well. Time to re-evaluate your priorities, find what matters. Deep shit, I know. It’d be advisable to detox all of your relationships. Those friendships / relationships that are toxic to you? As they say, ixnay on the elationshipsray! They don’t actually say that. I don’t know who ‘they’ even is anyways. I just wanted to say that. But in all seriousness, though it may feel great to have millions of acquaintances and tons of friends, sometimes you need to cut the shit out if it isn’t proving to be positive for you. Maybe you don’t like cutting your ties, whatever. A good place to start is to edit your phone contacts. You’d be suprised how many randos you’ll find – and at the same time, how many funny things you’ll remember whilst going through them. While youre at it, take it a step further and clean out your Facebook friends. Count on your meaningful relationships. Its all about the quality, not the quantity. That being said, work on the relationships that DO matter to you. Don’t let them fall by the wayside.

When you decide your through with your Facebook friends’ pointless updates and stupid pictures with their boyfriends:

Heart: The Heart Chakra

I can sit here and say, eat healthy! Start off with a great juice cleanse! No carbs! Only fruits and veggies! That’d be nice huh? But forreal? No one has time for that. Let’s face it, you’re not going to diet. I mean, you’ll probably starve yourself for 24hrs before you have to get into your first bikini of the season. But as far as proactive decisions go, it aint gonna happen. What I do suggest, if youre trying to be healthier, is to record or write down everything you put into your mouth (foodwise… you know). Just do it. Maybe after a week or so you’ll sit back and look at it and be like “Goddamn I intake like a garbage can in Times Square!”, or “How am I alive if this is all I eat?”, or maybe you come from some higher power and will be like “Damn, killed it. Anyone want nutrition classes?”. In any case, its always good to be consciously aware of what youre eating. What you decide to do with that information is all on you bro. If you want to cut out certain things, add in more nutrients, yaddayaddayadda, that’s all you, totally commend you for it. While you become aware of what youre eating its also a great idea to get some healthy exercise in there too. I’m kind of a fitness addict/junkie so I’m in no place to give solid advice here, but the endorphins bro… amazing.

So first youre like:

But then youre like:

Life Force: The Solar Plexus Chakra

Whos always had your back? The fam bam. Call your family. You probably haven’t in awhile. Chat up with the relatives, even if you just listen to them vent. It’s good to remind the people you love that you’re there and you do in fact love them every so often. They are your biggest supporters anyways.

Creative: The Splenic Chakra

You have that creative drive or you don’t. You have style, swag, or an eye for things, or you don’t. There’s no changing that, who are we kidding? Sorry you’re a basic bitch.

The Earth: Root Chakra

We all hate cleaning. But you really shouldn’t live in a pig sty. Start by doing your laundry, that’s a simple start. Then you can move on to taking out whatever moldy, smelly ass thing that has been penetrating your nose in your refrigerator. Get that stank out. Throw away old shit, not just food, but also unnecessary crap lying around. Just think about that those episodes of Hoarders where the hoarders go crazy psycho. Maybe even throw away/donate old clothes. I know, its hard to part with them. When my mom used to go through my closets and pick out clothes to donate, I would go into hysterics. Speaking of Hoarders, I’d get as bad as they do on the show – where they have their mental break down and need to sit down and start getting grouchy and yell at everyone throwing shit into the dumpsters. “WHAT IS THAT YOURE THROWING AWAY?! OF COURSE I WANT TO KEEP MY WALKMAN FROM 1991! IT STILL WORKS, DOESN’T IT?!” Grow some balls and do it.

You try to be a better person and spring clean your life, but instead youre like:

If youre not a strong proponent of spring cleaning and personal improvement, I don’t blame you one bit. Naturally we probably are all lazy anyways. As idealistic as it sounds, and as much as you’re like “I’m starting fresh! Here’s to new beginnings! Clean slate” blah blah blah, most of us lack the willpower. If you do, then you deserve a gold fucking star! Either way, at the end of the day, you can always opt for a colonoscopy. I’m sure that’ll do wonders for those chakras.