As the Holidaze are approaching, and I am soon flying home to spend time with family and friends back in California, I am preparing (as you should be too) for the inevitable questions that will arise from my/your homecoming. Friends, family, awkwardly distant relatives, your parents’ friends/coworkers, acquaintances, old class mates, etc. will ask you questions, in an attempt to catch up. But to be frank, people either ask questions to A) hear themselves talk, B) so you’ll ask them the same question and they can then talk about themselves, C) are genuinely interested, or D) to engage in small talk because thats the social thing to do. Yes, I’m a cynic, but what can you do about it. With the people that ask questions only to tune you out and wait until youre finished talking, so they can talk about themselves, you can often answer their questions with some imaginative bullshit, and have a great time with it. “So whats your biggest goal in life?” Well, I’d really like to explore the underwater caves of the Great Barrier Reef, sleep with Robert Downey Jr, consume 5 cheeseburgers in one sitting sans regret, ride an ostrich, and write a book. “Wow, thats so great of you. Good luck. I’m hoping to start my own business…”. Blah blah blah. But not everyone is like that of course. Some people genuinely care. Which is why I remind you of my sarcastic nature in which I write this post. So with that, I present to you, the Frequently Asked Questions for the Holidays and KISSMYSASS’S response.

How is school going?/How are you liking your classes?

Well, school is just absolutely superb. 50% of the time I am avoiding doing work, 45% of the time I’m cramming to finish the work I had previously avoided, and the 5% of the time I’m watching Netflix. Or sleeping. Or eating. It’s a busy life I tell you.

How is New York City?

Its great. Real great. I spend hundreds of dollars shopping, a fraction of my day are dedicated to riding the MTA next to smelly, germ infested strangers, and theres a lot of shitty weather. Like rain, once a week. And bums yelling outside my window at 4am.

Do you ever see (insert name of person you went to middle school with who also lives in NYC)?

Um no, I don’t. Because for all I know, they ceased to exist after we went our separate ways and started high school. Also, in case you didn’t know, New York City has over bazillion people, why the fuck would I make an effort to keep tabs on this one person?

Are you working? / Hows work?

No I’m not working. I still live off of the generosity of my great parents. What? I am absolutely not a spoiled brat! Other response: Work is fan fucking tastic. I get paid a bare minimum, and struggle to make ends meet. You know the saying… working to live? I’m living it.

Isn’t it expensive living there?

Um, you might as well ask me, “Do I have a brain?”. Yes! Of fucking course! Between paying off my credit cards, catering to my (online) shopping habits, buying over priced foods, having a coffee addiction, having a cupcake addiction, buying shit I need and buying shit I don’t need… yeah its expensive.

Did you lose/gain weight?

Well, fact of the matter is, it depends on the given day. 5 minutes ago I ate like 4 of those hor d’oeuvres, you should try them theyre really good. So I probably gained like two pounds since I’ve walked in here. Did you all of a sudden become obsessed with the health of every single person you encounter? What does it matter to you? Are you doing a study? I should be flattered, but this is too much. Actually, I’m flattered if you asked me if I lost weight. On a scale of 1-10 what is the level of drastic change you see? 1 being “you look the same as you did in your prepubescent years”, and 10 being “like dayum, youre a whole new person!”

What are your plans after you’re done with school?

AKA youre asking me if I have my life set up. You’re trying to be polite and cordial about it, but I see through that. The answer is NO. I have no plans, no aspirations, no goals in life. It’s a toss up once I graduate college. Other responses: Sigh.

Are you seeing anyone? / Have anyone special in your life?

This is probably about the 82nd time someone’s asked me this since I’ve been home. If by someone special, you mean the manager / guy who smiles at me with pity who works at 16 Handles FroYo, then, yes. Yes I am… I see him once every few weeks… every week if we get real crazy up in here. Other than that, no. Clearly I’m a misanthrope. I rock being forever alone. Other responses: Break down into a fit of tears while sobbing “Why can’t people just understand that at this point in my life I’m just trying to DO ME?! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” -This will teach the asker, and everyone in the vicinity, to never ask you that question again. Thus turning this into a “sore subject”.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS REGARDING THE HOLIDAYS:

• Is it okay to pass out at family functions/dinners? Yes. If its that dreadful that you’re drinking that much, save yourself (and others) and just fall asleep on the nearest couch. Blame it on the tryptophan in the turkey. Oh, it was chicken? Oh. Well, I’m still getting used to the three hour time difference.
• How do I avoid boring small talk / awkward conversations with distant relatives / acquaintances / friends? Find the nearest dog, or cat, and pet it. It will be your next best friend throughout the party/dinner/gathering.
• I don’t like children. But my family is full of them. How do I survive? Avoid eye contact. Or smiling at them. I find children are very receptive to smiles. Don’t do it.
• My significant other is coming home with my for the holidays. Help! Just introduce them as your “frrrrrriend”. Everyone will get the picture. Trust me, your family will be so overjoyed someone outside of your bloodline cares about you (thus taking the burden off of them) that they won’t even question it – or say anything. You’ll probably piss off your S.O. by introducing them as your “friend”, but who cares.
• I can’t stand my relatives’ cooking. I feel like I’m being force fed when I go over, and don’t want to be rude. How do I avoid it? Don’t eat there. Duh. Say you’re on a diet. Better yet, you’re training for a marathon and need to watch your caloric intake. Or that you’ve developed an allergy to gluten. Or that you have a stomach ache.

Well, there you have it! Happy Holidaze! Feel free to submit other questions you need answers to. Because obviously someone values my input.