Wow. I wonder if my ass would look THAT good in those pants. Wait. Do all of these guys have great asses like that? Oh. Never mind. Damn. You can actually see his cellulite dimples! Like, Every. Single. One. I wish this wasn’t a high definition TV. Do I have visible cellulite dimples? OH GOD. There’s an ass I’d like to see… the quarterback. Everyone loves a quarterback. Why are they 99% of the time the most attractive person on the team? DON’T HIT HIM! His face is too pretty to be sacked. Well, that’s just rude. Why is that guys hair so long! Can’t someone on the other team just like, pull it, and we can call it a day? Thats gross. Anyways, back to the quarterback. He’s so assertive. I like that in a man. I mean, I know I’m not A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend, or a cheerleader, or groupie, but I wouldn’t mind dating an NFL quarterback. Yeah… wouldn’t mind a bit. OH JEEZ. Did you see that hit? Is that guy alive? Is he dead? I would be dead if I just got hit like that. Actually, I’ve been thinking about this. Scenarios if I were to get hit by an NFL linebacker (with a lot of tattoos, long hair, and 200lbs bigger than me): A) my body would just turn to dust. Poof. Gone. B) Paralyzed for the rest of my life or C) THEYD HAVE MERCY ON ME AND SWERVE. But seriously. These football players are serious business. But WHY are they so big? Is it necessary? Like maybe they should consider weight classes for football leagues. Shit gets outta hand. If we threw in a hockey mentality about fighting, the result would be
Fight Club. But at least theyre wearing a lot of protection. Can we talk about that for a second? I’m trying to think about how fun it would be to put on full body protection and pads like these guys wear, and a helmet, and just go around and crash into things, run freely, not worrying about falling down and getting hurt. It seems so… carefree. It must be nice to make a living off of being athletic and carefree. No wonder NFL players have so many misdemeanors, felonies, etc. Wait, that guy killed someone? Oh god.
Oh it’s that AT&T 4G commercial that I absolutely love! You know, the one with the kid who can pat his head and waave his hand at the same time? If I ever have one, I want one like that.
I’m a huge baseball fan (sports junkie in general), so as you can imagine, watching my SF Giants play in the post season has been extremely stressful and infuriating. But I’ve realized, that’s the general nature of men… to be stressful and infuriating. I’ve also simultaneously decided we can learn a lot about men by just watching baseball, ladies. And I’m not just talking an anatomy lesson here, because, as we all know, baseball pants are to men as yoga pants are to women.
Money. Despite the amount of money they spend on their appearance, they’re still susceptible to sucking… and failing miserably. Take the LA Dodgers for instance. Blockbuster trade, but with nothing to show for it. So sad. You spend all that dinero to look fly, but you’re still really ugly. Money only gets you so far. Some of the best players aren’t on multimillion dollar contracts, but instead are homegrown rookies – just coming into being a man and looking all handsome and shit.
Always Keep An Eye on Them. They might get caught. As a woman, you need to show the men in your life some TLC. We all know they have short attention spans. They might get caught running on you. Its the good guys in the game like Buster Posey and Yadier Molina that will catch them stealing, and teach them a lesson. Always be skeptical – just like a pitcher on the mound checking up on runners – never assume, but be prepared.
Copious Amounts of Facial Hair. Beards are in. Walk around the city and you’ll see… the whiteboy/Jewish hipster with beard is very much in style right now. I have a theory it started with Brian Wilson’s beard. #FEARTHEBEARD
First Appearances Aren’t Everything. Typically the guy hitting .390 is more popular amongst the fans than the guy hitting .152. But is that all that matters? Well maybe. At first look, it seems Mr. .390 is the shit… but spend a little time with subpar Mr. .152, and you find he can be just as good as .390. Maybe he doesn’t come off the page and grab you right away, but he grows on you, with time. Besides, the underdog story is always more interesting than the headliner.
They’ll Always Come Home. They travel, they have groupies on the road or wherever they go. They’ll have fun out there in the world, meet other people, battle it out with others… but in the end they’ll always come home. There’s always something at the end of the day that they’ll look forward to.
The Uniform.Sometimes, the right outfit can make or break a guy. Wearing Dodger blue? Deal breaker, my friend. Even if he’s just wearing the hat… Uhmm, no. Sorry, enough Dodger hating. As a diehard SF Giants fan, I’ve purposely not only turned down a guy wearing an LA Dodgers emblem, but have also gone out of my way to make his day/night miserable. Serves you right to flaunt that disgusting blue around.
Junk Adjusting. Men constantly touch their junk. But hey, no one needs to watch baseball to know that. They’re obsessed with their penises… but like I said, no one needs to watch a baseball game to figure that out.
Signs. The signs that men give out are very sneaky and covert… At times unreadable and incomprehensible. Sometimes the catcher/pitcher gets crossed up, sometimes things get lost in translation. It can get confusing when trying to read men.
Cant Win Em All. Theres 162 games in the regular season, you need to learn to pick up, get over it, and move on.
Its A Mental Game. Always. Baseball is heavily weighted on math, physics, blah blah, but most of all the pure psychology of the players. The psyche. The superstitions. The routines. They will mindfuck you to no end. But in the end, you can’t let them win. Take control, play your own game. It’s not that hard.
What Kind of Fan Are You? Men will test you. Just like any baseball team tests their fans. Are you a fairweather or bandwagoner? Or are you a ride or die chick, whos always there for the ups and downs, the slumps and the playoff rush?
Also, DILFs are always nice eyecandy. That is all.
Actually, for you men out there who happen to read my blog (I checked out my visitors and my stats – a percentage of you male readers DOES in fact, exist) a bit of advice: Don’t go swinging your bat at every
bitch pitch you see. Sometimes the best hits come with time. You have to wait it out. Maybe your next at bat even. But it’ll be worth the wait, I’m sure. Swinging indiscriminately at everything you see will get you nowhere – except a bad reputation as a guy who will always strike out.
This blog will be a continuation of my old blog, kissmysass which you can visit HERE. After a few years of using blogspot, and then neglecting my blog, and then trying to get back into it again, and then neglecting it… I’ve decided just to continue it over WordPress. Blogspot is so passe and so 2010… and their shit with Google, I don’t want to be a part of it.
But what was kissmysass? Just a compilation of my rants really. I’d do “Class vs. Unclassy” posts, “shoeporn” posts, etc. Whatever I feel like, to be honest.
Who am I? I’m a twenty-something native Californian, living in New York City. I’m studying Media, Culture, and Communication with a minor in Web Development at NYU. I’m a sports junkie, sweets connoisseur, and lover of all things classy. I love my life, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, the city I grew up in and the city I now dwell in.
Looking forward to spewing my thoughts on here.