April generally sucks because its rainy and shit, and lets be honest, most people aren’t that forward thinking to see the bright side and wait for May flowers. But it’s a wrap for April, so let’s talk about it.Mad Love For Boston: Tragedy has a weird way of bringing a nation together. What happened in Boston was terrible. I’m not an emotional person. Rarely do I express my emotions, have emotions, or tell people about my emotions. I’ve been likened to a robot and have commonly been called an ice queen because of my nature. But when tragedies like what happened at the Boston Marathon happen, I start to feel. However, what really gets me super emotional is my love of sports. I’ve expressed a plethora of emotions in my relationship with sports – I’ve cried, laughed, cried of happiness, cried of sadness, been angry, been unreasonably angry… you get the picture. To see sports teams show love for Boston was too much for me. The Yankees giving Boston love, “Sweet Caroline” played at Yankee stadium and Fenway thanks to Neil Diamond, the national anthem at the Bruins game… I was a mess.
Spring Has Sprung: A lot of you ladies get way too ahead of yourselves and come out hard in those summer dresses. Chill. Out. Same with you bros out there in your bro tanks and flip flops and Chubbies shorts. Calling you out. Nah, but I get it! Spring is here, the weathers great… time to spend some time in the park and catch some Vitamin D (which so many of us New Yorkers are deprived of). Get excited, you have permission to bare arms.
The Great Gatsby Music Soundtrack: My jaw dropped when The Great Gatsby released their tracklisting. How in the world do you put The xx, Beyonce, Lana Del Rey, Florence + the Machine, and Jack White (AKA my favorites ever) all together for a soundtrack? Only in a Baz Luhrmann movie, that is. Check this baby out:
- “100$ Bill” – Jay-Z
- “Back To Black” – Beyoncé x Andre 3000
- “Bang Bang” – will.i.am
- “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody (All We Got)” – Fergie + Q Tip + GoonRock
- “Young And Beautiful” – Lana Del Rey
- “Love Is The Drug” – Bryan Ferry with The Bryan Ferry Orchestra
- “Over The Love” – Florence + The Machine
- “Where The Wind Blows” – Coco O. of Quadron
- “Crazy in Love” – Emeli Sande and The Bryan Ferry Orchestra
- “Together” – The xx
- “Hearts A Mess” – Gotye
- “Love Is Blindness” – Jack White
- “Into the Past” – Nero
- “Kill and Run” – Sia
Psycho Sorority Chick?: Everyone had a field day with this (you definitely need to read it if you haven’t yet). It’s pretty unclassy and of poor taste – but it doesn’t mean that all sorority girls are psycho and crazy or deranged. In fact, I think this chick is neither of these. First of all, I think this chick has valid points in her rant. While I’m no sorority girl, I understand her frustration with her friends / sisters who cannot hold a conversation, have to be drunk to talk to males, etc. I get it girl! Sometimes people need to be called out. The most important part of this is that she is an excellent writer. I’m not even joking and completely defend her writing skills and eloquence. Something must be said for the perfectly put cuss words, and the very detailed ass kicking that will follow if x doesn’t happen. The girl has an amazing way with words. You have to give her credit for that. Props to you girlfriend. You may not be a sister at DG at University of Maryland, but we can possibly be soul sisters.
Jason Collins: If you remotely know who I am, you know I’m a pretty avid sports fan. This week Jason Collins of the Washington Wizards came out and became the first professional athlete playing a major American team sport, to come out as gay. This is incredible and I think it’ll open the doors to many other pro athletes and celebrities in the spotlight. The outpour of support that Collins has received ranging from NBA players like Kobe, LeBron, Jason Kidd to President Obama is very telling that our society is finally making progress in giving gays and lesbians the full equality that everyone deserves. We’re getting there ‘Merica.
Top Search Engine Terms For YOUCANKISSMYSASS.COM:
- “kids annoy the shit out of me blog” – So someone searched this, and my website was a result? Is that the vibe I’m giving off? Good.
- “san francisco giants bandwagon fans” – … are the worst. Am I right?
- “turn tights into turban” - Refer to this post, or learn from the one who taught me and watch this YouTube video by the lovely JasonSimone. You won’t regret it.
- “neck pillow” - Are they actually comfortable? You tell me. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one.
- “maria spinning sound of music” – Yeah… I like that scene too. Julie Andrews is so effervescent I cannot.
- “what does #wearscrocs mean” -IT MEANS HE WEARS CROCS! AKA IT MEANS RUN… RUN FAR AWAY!
- “unclassy women” - Oh God. Someone searched unclassy women, and my website popped up. #HELP
- “can you get drunk off of skinny girl cosmo” - The answer is yes. Trust me.
- “babysat kids with taped mouth” -Wait, what? Did you tape their mouths? I’m really curious here. Please email me the story behind this.
- “men in baseball pants fuck” - I know, right? I die.
Other notable things that happened in April:
-THIS HAPPENED. Frank Ocean fixed Jimmy Fallon’s bow tie while Justin Timberlake watched at the Time 100 gala. Amazing.- Beyonce’s ad for H&M Summer 2013 came out, and we all swooned… and bowed down too, of course. There’s a lot of Bey rolling in the sand, and its nothing short of amazing.
What we can look forward to in May:
-The Met Gala is May 6 and is co hosted this year by Rooney Mara (girlcrush), Lauren Santo Domingo, Riccardo Tisci and Anna Wintour. The theme of the night will be punk… Anna and celebs like BEYONCE in PUNK wear?! I’m dying of excitement and anticipation. Expecting Sid Vicious realness from the men and I cannot wait.
-The Great Gatsby comes out May 10th. Leo, Carrie and Toby better give it to me straight.
-ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT SEASON 4 COMES OUT ON NETFLIX May 26th! That’s all that needs to be said about that.
For my summer job as an assistant manager at the end of the season we have a meeting with my (male) boss in which he gathered information from the whole staff and summarizes it for us. Essentially the meeting re-capitulated each managers’ strengths and weaknesses. I was ecstatic to hear what my strengths and weaknesses were according to my coworkers and employees – what do my peers think of me? Am I a terrible co-worker? Do I need to step up my game? What do they think my skills are? Do I need to work on being a leader?
Well the meeting started off great. By great, I mean my boss started off by calling me a “horndog”. Apparently it was much too apparent during our training with the firemen that I was into firemen… well firemen and the attractive men / dads that visited work. Essentially my response was “sorry I’m not sorry”. Still, I was eager to hear what the staff I worked with thought of me. Instead, what my boss said was this, “Blah blah blah, everything sounds good, you’re doing a good job…” flips through papers to read evaluations, “Someone said you talk too much …” As if I didn’t already know that… “Someone said your weaknesses are… firemen. And that’s about it”. As hilarious as that was, I still was left to figure out what my strengths and weaknesses really are. Since then, I’ve been keeping a list…
- Food. The consuming of it, the finding of it, the appreciation of it. Yes, the first thing I thought of for my strengths was food, okay? I’m really good at eating, finding good places, and eating. Food is my forte.
- Being passive aggressive. Sometimes its really unavoidable and just comes so naturally I can’t help it. I mean, I really don’t mind cleaning the kitchen for the 5th time this month, I don’t, someone would probably get to it at some point.
- Finding great music. Being obnoxious about it. Then rubbing it in your face that I found it first before they were played on the radio. Whats a hipster?
- Creating personalities for people. People I have never met in my entire life and just observe. You don’t do that? Example: boy wearing A’s baseball hat, long socks, vans, reading a book with pen behind his ear on campus. He ooooobviously is from the Bay Area, and spends his summers in Dolores Park, wearing RayBans, with a spliff. He’s super chill yet super moody and likes to be alone a lot. He probably reads by the fire sometimes. Most likely candlelight actually, since he lives in a very small apartment by himself. Oh, he’s a frat star that just transferred from Penn State? Oh.
- Instagramming. Its obsessive. I’m also really good at taking #selfies.
- Avoiding things. I am the master of avoidance. This includes procrastination, pushing feelings aside, unanswered calls and texts, hiding from the world, masking feelings with G&Ts.
- G&Ts. Speaking of gin & tonics. Of course they’re my strength!
- Ordering at Starbucks. I hate when my coffee gets fucked up. But it doesn’t happen anymore… because…I…talk…..suuuuper slow. That way they can’t fuck up my order… no way, no how “I’ll have a GRANDE (pause) SKINNY (pause) Vanilla Latte (pause)WAIT, I’m not done… with SOY… thanks!” Emphasize the “thanks!” with a smile that says, “you better get my order right bitch, I swear, or else I will cut you “.
- Being oblivious. Kendrick Lamar / The Ramones / KidCudi once said, “ignorance is bliss”… it really is. Life is so much better if you didnt know you just stepped in dog shit, someone spat in your food, or that no one cares about what youre saying/writing.
- Shopping. Now, most people would consider this a weakness. I don’t. Afterall, you’d be surprised what a girl can do in a bad mood with credit card in hand in need of some retail therapy. Its wonderful.
- Being on my period. I’M PMSing OKAY?! JUST LET ME BE A BIG OL’ BITCH FOR ONCE ITS MY HORMONES IT ONLY HAPPENS LIKE ONCE A MONTH SO LET ME JUST BE OKAY?! Also, its totally fine I just had that fatty Chipotle burrito, a sleeve of Oreos, froyo, and everything remaining in the fridge… I’m on my period. While I hate being on my period / female bodily functions in general, its a really good excuse sometimes (Come at me you feminists, I know you just died a bit inside when you read that).
- FroYo. Its an art. You can’t have too many toppings and not enough yogurt… and on the flipside, you can’t have too much froyo without enough toppings. Also, selecting toppings is a delicate talent… ew, you put cookie dough toppings on your tart grapefruit fro yo? What is wrong with you?
- Flakiness. Like that of a toasted croissant, or a 40+ bald man’s head. I’m flaky and will be the first to admit it.
- Showing affection. Just because I punched you and constantly roll my eyes at you and ignore things you say doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I do. Likewise, just because I gave you the stank eye 7 times in the past 24 hours, doesn’t mean I hate you.
- Picking up on hints. Maybe this goes hand in hand with being awkward. Oh am I third wheeling? I didn’t even notice. Did you want me to leave? Oh, youre just glaring at me for no reason… I get it… Oh, sorry, just got your subtle text… I’ll leave now. It takes me awhile to process these things.
- Thinking the world is out to get to me. One time this construction worker whistled at me and said obscene comments and proceeded to follow me down the block, naturally I thought I was going to be on an episode of Law and Order SVU as a victim. I also have a reoccurring dream that I get shanked while on a leisurely walk in the city. You bet I walk around the sidewalks making sure no one comes too close to me. I also start to sweat sometimes when cab drivers seem to be driving in the complete opposite direction that I ask, or they look like theyre headed towards a New Jersey turnpike (which is never, because when do I ever come close to leaving Manhattan), since obviously theyre going to take me to an abandoned field and chop my body to pieces and store it in their large ass trunk.
- Bad timing. My timing is the absolute worst! I’m assuming when I’m comforting you about your breakup with your boyfriend isn’t a good time to tell you I’m dating someone new?
- Borderline addictive personality disorder. How dare you get me hooked on a show… now I can’t leave bed until I finish up to Season 7. Thanks. Two years ago, I watched all 6 seasons of Sex and the City in one week, right before finals. When youre addicted, it has no boundaries. I have an obsession with Gary Shteyngart novels, which started in high school, when I proceeded to read his 3 novels (The Russian Debutante’s Handbook, Super Sad True Love Story, and Absurdistan) in one week. The 50 Shades of Grey trilogy? That shit was read within 2 days.
- Pretending to be interested. Don’t confuse this with pretending I care. Because I do care. I’m just not that all interested in hearing about your cousins new baby, or how you are writing a new novel. I try to look interested, but apparently fail miserably.
- Talking in circles. I really don’t do it on purpose. I’m not trying to confuse you with the way I’m talking. Hell, I confuse myself 98% of the time and lose my train of thought. Happens.
- Minding my own business. Lets face it though, nowadays its far too easy to stalk on conversations, life events, etc all thanks to Facebook. But to be honest, its not really my business as to why that one chick decided to dress like a complete slut on halloween and who commented/liked her picture with her tits hanging out. Additionally, probably not my business that you’re fighting with your boyfriend on the phone, but SERIOUSLY? youre in public – so its fair game there.
Tell me I’m normal, please.**NOTE: This is in no way a comprehensive list. It is incomplete, and a work in progress. Obviously I have more strengths… and weaknesses too, I guess.
The season of summer has not ended yet, but the fact that I find myself packing back up to head back to New York City (YAY!) to start school in September (Meh), basically means that my summer is essentially over. SO, in honor of the end of my summer, I put together an non-comprehensive list of the lessons, realizations, thoughts, what have you, that I have gleaned from this summer.
- The Summer Olympics only happens every four years due to overstimulation. Duh. First of all, both the opening and closing ceremonies were likened to being on an LSD trip. It was weird, and it made me feel uncomfortable, yet super artsy and creative and interesting. Second of all, the world needs four years to
forgetput aside their countries’ heartthrobs (Read: Tom Daley, Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, Jake Dalton etc), and prepare their libido for the next fresh, young batch.
- No man will ever break my heart and play with my emotions the way the 40 men on the SF Giants team have. Pablo being injured, then playing, then injured again, the whole Melky Cabrera scandal, Tim Lincecum not pitching his finest season, they know how to add insult to injury. Its been an emotional roller coaster thus far in the season, but I’m no fair weather fan..
- I’m pretty good at picking people’s spirit animals. Just ask my coworkers. They, on the other hand, suck at it. Apparently I am a llama, because seemingly I am sweet, but upon further inspection I spit at people. Well, perhaps this is true. Spitting in the figurative way.
- Likewise, my whole pool staff and co-workers and boss think I need to keep my pants on. In conversation my boss called me a “horndog”, and when my coworkers and staff evaluated my strengths and weaknesses, one person said my weaknesses were “firemen” (I thourougly appreciated that one, since, we all know I have no weaknesses. Joke).
- Firemen. Firemen are my weakness. And baseball players. And well dressed men. And Olympians. And European men. Especially the French. And the Spanish. I guess you can say I’m indiscriminate in my tastes.
- The unspoken dress code is obviously so much more incredibly lax than in the city. Here I can get away with wearing sweats all day, whereas in NYC I would undoubtedly be mistaken for a homeless person. Here there is such thing as being over dressed. In the city, there is no such thing as being overdressed.
- Working at a pool is by far, the BEST birth control… EVER. Worried about teen pregnancy? Send your kid to work at my pool, your worries are gone. I don’t know what it is, swimming pools must bring out the worst in children or something.
- Having visited and seen the elegant beauties of Yacht Club de Monaco, and the Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance, its safe to say I’ve seen some of the finest yachts and cars in the world. It was quite impressive. Have you ever seen a red carpet for a car? I did, it was a bit weird. But lets be honest, these toys are a serious overcompensation for something lacking in these men. However, I wouldn’t mind having my own yacht/fancy car one day.
- I am the daughter of a lush. Therefore, this summer, drinking with my mother has been exquisitely divine. Getting drunk before/during/after dinners, during the day, before bed, in the morning, etc. Except that one time my best friend had to essentially haul/carry my mom and I around on Fourth of July due to a case of too many deadly sangrias. I love you Malia.
- Speaking of my best friend, its always good to know that a friendship that has lasted for 15 years will always be there, despite the distance.No matter how much time we spend apart, or don’t get a chance to talk to each other, nothing ever changes. Thanks for being my BFFFL!
- Summertime requires a significant amount of work. Shaving your legs, making sure your thighs aren’t too flabby in shorts, that your swimsuit fits appropriately, applying sunscreen hour after hour, being hot, being sweaty, getting sand everywhere, getting grass everywhere, having to blast air conditioning in your car, sweating, finding shade… honestly, the list can go on. Summertime in California is reeeeeeeeeeeal tough.
- I have heard, through word of mouth, and view numbers on my blog, etc. that a lot of you guys actually read my blog world wide! I am ecstatic about this, considering I couldn’t simply imagine my rantings and thoughts being of interest to anyone else (Special shout out to Liz & Tori Emery who are not only lovely readers, but the ultimate purveyors of all things classy and sassy!). Or perhaps its just my excessive, obnxious spamming on Facebook and Twitter that bring you guys here. But in all seriousness though, I appreciate it! Please, feel free to say hello, comment, share your thoughts, etc. I love feedback, and I quite possibly love you!
10. Michael Phelps makes me emotional. Yeah so maybe I shed a tear after his last swim. SO WHAT. And maybe I cried a bit after I found out he’s dating blonde
model swimming groupie Megan Rossee. Feelings of sadness, loss, grief, etc. I will never love Lochte the way I love(d) Phelps.
09. Ralph Lauren does not suit Team USA. Time to exploit how douchey Team USA is. Lets make them all roll out wearing all white with douchebag hats, and long ass skirts, and white socks and shoes. No wonder other countries hate us… we look like grade-A douches. But I must say, at least we didn’t have to wear those obnoxious red/white fire of the dragon track suits Russia had.
08. McKayla Maroney is a betch. Who knew she was a top notch betch? This whole viral meme she’s got going on is not only hilarious, but also shows her true betchy side. Girl knows what she deserves and will bitch about it all she wants. She also has her own entourage that consists of best friend Kyla Ross. Oh and she loves taking selfies on Instagram.
07. I would actually do anything to hang out at the Olympic Village / party with the athletes… like sell my already emotionless soul.
06. The Chinese are INTENSE. Comment from a Chinese Olympic diver in the WSJ about the Chinese system of picking athletes at a young age for national training centers: “Sometimes, I get to see my family every other year. If the competition schedule is not that tight, sometimes I can spend a whole week with my parents in a year.” Did anyone see when that Chinese dude, Qiu Bo, had a bitchfit because he won a silver fucking medal? Seriously? I’m half Chinese… shouldn’t that mean I should be a fraction as intense as the Chinese olympians? Hmmm… I guess it doesn’t work that way considering I’ve never been 1/100 as intense about anything in life as the Chinese are about the Olympics.
05. Everybody loves the underdogs. Lola Jones’ comeback, Oscar Pistorius, non Americans in swimming… so what if they didn’t do that well… you still rooted your ass off for them, didn’t you? Everyone loves a good story.
04. Posh Spice is a Goddess. Not that you didn’t know that. I mean, DID YOU SEE HER? Yes, the Spice Girls reunion was amazing, but lets be honest, all I care about is Victoria fucking Beckham. Who the hell is her surrogate, because I seriously cannot comprehend how that little beautiful thing could have popped out four spawn children. Its unfathomable to me.
03. The 2016 Summer Olympics will consist of hungover, wasted athletes… according to the party Rio threw on stage at the closing ceremonies. There is NO WAY that the Olympic village in 2016 will not consist of multiple carnivals/fiestas.
02. Samuel Jackson is either illiterate, cannot type on his phone, truly speaks the way he tweets, or is just crazy. No wonder Apple asked him to do a commercial for them… I can only imagine him dictating his tweets to Siri, “Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS.”
01. My life thus far has no significance. Probably a majority of these athletes are under the age of 20. Take for example the fab 5… who took gold this year. They probably haven’t even hit puberty yet or had their first menstrual cycle, and already are getting endorsements and being paid for just showing up. In a perfect world, I would’ve been paid years ago for just showing my face. Don’t even get me started on Missy freaking Franklin. Girl hasn’t even started her senior year in highschool and already has a world record and gold medal to her name. Want to know what I had to my name at the age of 17? $500 and a first generation iphone. Additionally, at the ripe age of 20, I have yet to meet an 18 year old that looks like British diver Tom Daley. What the actual fuck. Its like the Olympic athletes are mythical creatures we watch and hear about, but never actually encounter.
In other news, it’s been confirmed that Serena William is actually a beast.
As I’ve returned home to spend summer with my family in California, I’ve been pressured constantly to get a job (as in job I mean real world job). “Maddy, you should really start looking for a job”, “Maddy, I have a friend who you should send your resume to”, blah blah blah… Basically they want me to join the real world. And what for?! I am perfectly satisfied with my summer job lifeguarding and teaching children how to swim, thank you very much. Plus, I will get a real job when I’m back in NYC… I think, I hope… Needless to say, I’ve been revamping and re-doing my resumes and writing up cover letters and CVs and all of that fun stuff. I think this one is the best I have thus far…
To Whom It May Concern:
I am interested in the position as _______ which will utilize my communicative, technological, creative, and organizational skills and interests. I am currently pursuing a major in Media, Communications and Culture and a minor in Web Development and Design at New York University.
While I have had internship experience – I have worked as an intern for a startup entertainment company in Times Square – I believe I have many other relevant experiences that express my commitment and dedication to Public Relations and the art of persuasion. First of all, I have always been involved in “selling”. As early as high school, I led my high schools Ambassador team, in effect playing up the importance of a single sex, Catholic education to doe-eyed middle schoolers and their anxious parents. That part was easy. My work was cut out for me, I mean, how hard could it be selling a school so entrenched in their morals and sisterhood? Now, the hard part came when I began college at *unnamed* University – a school I turned out to really not like much, at all. Somehow I was admitted and chosen as an Ambassador for the University, where again, I had to sell the school to prospective high schoolers and their money-wielding parents. This demonstrates my great skill of bullshitting, something very necessary in the world of Public Relations. Despite my lack of passion for the school, I still managed to gather copious amounts of fake energy and enthusiasm to smooth talk my way into being a great ambassador for the school… too bad I transfered out of said University to NYU that year.
Additionally, for a few months I worked as a Sales Associate at a cosmetiques company that prides themselves in green, vegetarian and vegan values. First of all, as much as my yogi, earth conscious self wouldn’t like to admit… I’m not the greenest person. I mean, I recycle, but when it comes to separating out my waste stuff at Whole Foods in their numerous bins, it’d be an understatement to say I have a panic attack. Yeah, I drink out of a Nalgene, but obviously that doesn’t outweigh the fact that you will always find some recyclables in my garbage. Another problem, I’m neither vegetarian nor vegan. I LOVE my meat and animal products (sorry to offend anyone here, but I’m a straight up carnivore). If it came from a cow, I WANT IT IN MY BELLY. But seriously, I tried the vegan thing for a week.. it probably only lasted like 48 hours … and that doesn’t count the times I probably accidentally consumed some type of animal product. Needless to say, I wasn’t the posterchild for the company, in fact, I probably was the antithesis to their goals. Either way, I still sold the shit out of all of the products there… and I pretended to know the difference between parabens to sulfates, compost to recyclables, preservatives to non preservative products.
I’m a smart cookie… obviously I pretend to know what I’m doing, so you should definitely hire me because, once again, I’m a really fantastic bullshitter/spinner. My skill of playing things up and pretending to know what I’m talking about is not only evident through my verbal communications, but also through my writing skills. One time, I had this phase with rowing. It was like a 2 month love hate relationship (mostly hate). I was so into it, I convinced my parents to buy me a $1000+ erg machine. We really didn’t have a room for it, so when we got it I set it up in our office/my art studio. It was a tight fit, especially if 3 people intended on using my art studio table, working at the office computer and working out on the erg – but that was rarely the case (and by rarely I mean that never happened). In fact, I think I used the erg machine about 10 times before I decided to quit the rowing team. And by “using it 10 times” I don’t mean having a full work out. Anyways, the time came to sell it, and I wrote the best Craigslist ad in the world – Because I knew I HAD to sell it for the same price my parents bought it for or else they would have killed me. Keywords: NEVER BEFORE USED, Original Packaging included (because thank GOD the recycling people didn’t come by the time I had quit rowing). I wrote in the description for those curious CraigsListers who wanted to know, ‘So what’s wrong with it?’ That it’d been bought in bulk with a bunch of other gym equiptment and somehow we ended up with it, and had no use for it in our house. And guess what, that thing sold for full price. I won’t even get into how I sold my XBox360 for 70% of the price I bought it for, 4 years later. I think I have an ample amount of skills to work in Public Relations. My experience not only includes a few internships, but real life experience where I’ve utilized my verbal communication as well as my writing skills to their full extent.
Oh, and I’m really good at running errands and shit. I’m totally down to be your personal slave… er, I mean, assistant.
Looking forward to hearing from you.