For my summer job as an assistant manager at the end of the season we have a meeting with my (male) boss in which he gathered information from the whole staff and summarizes it for us. Essentially the meeting re-capitulated each managers’ strengths and weaknesses. I was ecstatic to hear what my strengths and weaknesses were according to my coworkers and employees – what do my peers think of me? Am I a terrible co-worker? Do I need to step up my game? What do they think my skills are? Do I need to work on being a leader?
Well the meeting started off great. By great, I mean my boss started off by calling me a “horndog”. Apparently it was much too apparent during our training with the firemen that I was into firemen… well firemen and the attractive men / dads that visited work. Essentially my response was “sorry I’m not sorry”. Still, I was eager to hear what the staff I worked with thought of me. Instead, what my boss said was this, “Blah blah blah, everything sounds good, you’re doing a good job…” flips through papers to read evaluations, “Someone said you talk too much …” As if I didn’t already know that… “Someone said your weaknesses are… firemen. And that’s about it”. As hilarious as that was, I still was left to figure out what my strengths and weaknesses really are. Since then, I’ve been keeping a list…
- Food. The consuming of it, the finding of it, the appreciation of it. Yes, the first thing I thought of for my strengths was food, okay? I’m really good at eating, finding good places, and eating. Food is my forte.
- Being passive aggressive. Sometimes its really unavoidable and just comes so naturally I can’t help it. I mean, I really don’t mind cleaning the kitchen for the 5th time this month, I don’t, someone would probably get to it at some point.
- Finding great music. Being obnoxious about it. Then rubbing it in your face that I found it first before they were played on the radio. Whats a hipster?
- Creating personalities for people. People I have never met in my entire life and just observe. You don’t do that? Example: boy wearing A’s baseball hat, long socks, vans, reading a book with pen behind his ear on campus. He ooooobviously is from the Bay Area, and spends his summers in Dolores Park, wearing RayBans, with a spliff. He’s super chill yet super moody and likes to be alone a lot. He probably reads by the fire sometimes. Most likely candlelight actually, since he lives in a very small apartment by himself. Oh, he’s a frat star that just transferred from Penn State? Oh.
- Instagramming. Its obsessive. I’m also really good at taking #selfies.
- Avoiding things. I am the master of avoidance. This includes procrastination, pushing feelings aside, unanswered calls and texts, hiding from the world, masking feelings with G&Ts.
- G&Ts. Speaking of gin & tonics. Of course they’re my strength!
- Ordering at Starbucks. I hate when my coffee gets fucked up. But it doesn’t happen anymore… because…I…talk…..suuuuper slow. That way they can’t fuck up my order… no way, no how “I’ll have a GRANDE (pause) SKINNY (pause) Vanilla Latte (pause)WAIT, I’m not done… with SOY… thanks!” Emphasize the “thanks!” with a smile that says, “you better get my order right bitch, I swear, or else I will cut you “.
- Being oblivious. Kendrick Lamar / The Ramones / KidCudi once said, “ignorance is bliss”… it really is. Life is so much better if you didnt know you just stepped in dog shit, someone spat in your food, or that no one cares about what youre saying/writing.
- Shopping. Now, most people would consider this a weakness. I don’t. Afterall, you’d be surprised what a girl can do in a bad mood with credit card in hand in need of some retail therapy. Its wonderful.
- Being on my period. I’M PMSing OKAY?! JUST LET ME BE A BIG OL’ BITCH FOR ONCE ITS MY HORMONES IT ONLY HAPPENS LIKE ONCE A MONTH SO LET ME JUST BE OKAY?! Also, its totally fine I just had that fatty Chipotle burrito, a sleeve of Oreos, froyo, and everything remaining in the fridge… I’m on my period. While I hate being on my period / female bodily functions in general, its a really good excuse sometimes (Come at me you feminists, I know you just died a bit inside when you read that).
- FroYo. Its an art. You can’t have too many toppings and not enough yogurt… and on the flipside, you can’t have too much froyo without enough toppings. Also, selecting toppings is a delicate talent… ew, you put cookie dough toppings on your tart grapefruit fro yo? What is wrong with you?
- Flakiness. Like that of a toasted croissant, or a 40+ bald man’s head. I’m flaky and will be the first to admit it.
- Showing affection. Just because I punched you and constantly roll my eyes at you and ignore things you say doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I do. Likewise, just because I gave you the stank eye 7 times in the past 24 hours, doesn’t mean I hate you.
- Picking up on hints. Maybe this goes hand in hand with being awkward. Oh am I third wheeling? I didn’t even notice. Did you want me to leave? Oh, youre just glaring at me for no reason… I get it… Oh, sorry, just got your subtle text… I’ll leave now. It takes me awhile to process these things.
- Thinking the world is out to get to me. One time this construction worker whistled at me and said obscene comments and proceeded to follow me down the block, naturally I thought I was going to be on an episode of Law and Order SVU as a victim. I also have a reoccurring dream that I get shanked while on a leisurely walk in the city. You bet I walk around the sidewalks making sure no one comes too close to me. I also start to sweat sometimes when cab drivers seem to be driving in the complete opposite direction that I ask, or they look like theyre headed towards a New Jersey turnpike (which is never, because when do I ever come close to leaving Manhattan), since obviously theyre going to take me to an abandoned field and chop my body to pieces and store it in their large ass trunk.
- Bad timing. My timing is the absolute worst! I’m assuming when I’m comforting you about your breakup with your boyfriend isn’t a good time to tell you I’m dating someone new?
- Borderline addictive personality disorder. How dare you get me hooked on a show… now I can’t leave bed until I finish up to Season 7. Thanks. Two years ago, I watched all 6 seasons of Sex and the City in one week, right before finals. When youre addicted, it has no boundaries. I have an obsession with Gary Shteyngart novels, which started in high school, when I proceeded to read his 3 novels (The Russian Debutante’s Handbook, Super Sad True Love Story, and Absurdistan) in one week. The 50 Shades of Grey trilogy? That shit was read within 2 days.
- Pretending to be interested. Don’t confuse this with pretending I care. Because I do care. I’m just not that all interested in hearing about your cousins new baby, or how you are writing a new novel. I try to look interested, but apparently fail miserably.
- Talking in circles. I really don’t do it on purpose. I’m not trying to confuse you with the way I’m talking. Hell, I confuse myself 98% of the time and lose my train of thought. Happens.
- Minding my own business. Lets face it though, nowadays its far too easy to stalk on conversations, life events, etc all thanks to Facebook. But to be honest, its not really my business as to why that one chick decided to dress like a complete slut on halloween and who commented/liked her picture with her tits hanging out. Additionally, probably not my business that you’re fighting with your boyfriend on the phone, but SERIOUSLY? youre in public – so its fair game there.
Tell me I’m normal, please.**NOTE: This is in no way a comprehensive list. It is incomplete, and a work in progress. Obviously I have more strengths… and weaknesses too, I guess.
On my 10 hour, 45 minute plane ride to Barcelona via Frankfurt, I became all types of bored. Having finished my less than satisfying “lunch” (by lunch I mean microwaved pasta with cotton ball-like meatballs, a piece of dry bread, and for dessert an all too dry brownie. The upside? It wasn’t curry despite what I thought it smelled like – I could only imagine the bathroom lines if that were the case), I realized I had only occupied 2.5 hours of my 10 hour flight to Germany. For fuckssake, we were probably only over Nevada or some shit. In order to keep myself busy and avoid reading Cosmo’s “50 Hot Summer Sex Tips” or some inglorious shit like that, I turned to my seat pocket’s issue of SkyMall, which I found both entertaining and highly informative.
5 Things I Think Would Greatly Improve My Quality of Life
When opened it says little phrases like, “Lookin’ good, Bob,” “You sure are sexy, Bob,” “Way to go, Bob,” or “You’re the man, Bob.” I don’t even give a flying fuck that my names not Bob, it would be all too awesome to open this thing to take out my jewelry in the morning, and hear a little compliment. Just incase you needed a little morning pick me up. I would definitely make a friend named Bob just to give him this kick ass box. It wouldn’t be awkward at all to meet a guy named Bob and give it to him the second time I see him, would it?
First of all, because I’m the type of person to burn incense in my living space (joke), I would definitely need this. Its just badass. I don’t care if it doesn’t have a real purpose besides looking like it belongs in a type of lair or something. Can I bedazzle it? I’d put this on the kitchen table and let the motherfucker burnn.
The description says, “Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip!” As a self proclaimed wine-o (AKA borderline alcoholic?), I’m actually semi serious about wanting this. First of all, on the product description, your girl ALWAYS keeps her wine “close at heart” Don’t you worry. But a cool gadget would be pretty awesome to give me room to gesture violently and emphatically as I typically get when drinking buttloads of wine.
On the subject of drinking, I’m all for disguised drinks. This Cell phone flask is definitely a solution to your problems if your friends and family say you have a drinking problem. You even get to personalize what the fake screen says! “Your Life Is A Joke, So Just Drink Anyways” would be suitable if you actually bought this from SkyMall. The sad and most obvious part about this, is that you really can’t fool anyone using this thing, it looks like one of the very first cellphones made, or you stole it from a 5 year old and peeled off the “princess phone” sticker.
I want this pillow thing. I don’t even care its ambiguous-ness, I want it. First of all, look at how serene and lovely the pillow model is! She must have had such a great sleep, rose in hand, with only a few petals shed! Its a sure sign this is a great product! Right? Second of all, the name “Comfort-U” implies this is a pillow for those who are “forever alone” (ie. Yours Truly). The way she’s nestled into the pillow, obviously means that its a single person pillow, so they can feel cuddled from both behind and the front! How great! There’s no possible way to use this pillow with a bed partner – unless you want to be a huge asshole and take up 80% of the bed with your big fucking pillow. Sorry you’re forever single, but here’s a pillow to help you feel better at night.
So as you can see, two thoughts entered my head while flipping through the magazine, 1) WHO the fuck would buy THIS? and then, after some consideration 2) Oh I could actually use that. Next time you want to be entertained during a flight, be sure to pull out your SkyMall magazine, and then imagine yourself using every single product they sell. Your life gets 10038482037 times better. Am I joking? I’m not quite sure myself.