Realizations Of The 90s

-TV now is absolute shit, not completely, but still, no comparison. The equivalent to Boy Meets World is… nothing. Like, Secret Life of a Teenager. Yeah…no. Cory and Topanga was the ultimate love story… now look at the crap we watch now – teenage pregnancy, cheating, love triangles… all before the age of 21. WTF mate.

Disney Movies. Ohh Disney, how I love you. However, it’s taught me that well, true love only exists between two perfectly looking people. Even in Beauty and the Beast, Belle didn’t go for Gaston because of his big ass ugly butt chin… and even the Beast ended up to be pretty attractive. It continuously baffles me how early Disney animated movies managed to make people look attractive. Is that weird that I think that? Probably.

Lisa Frank was only popular because it was an acid trip for kids. Seriously. If you don’t believe me, just watch their commercial. My abundance of Lisa Frank pencil toppers, folders, pencils, erasers, binders, notebooks, etc. are all reasons why I hate neons now… or is just proof I wanted to be on acid my whole childhood.

Amanda Bynes will always be seen as typcasted for a complete, yet cute, goof. (minus her recent DUI arrest) Amanda Show anyone?

Giga Pets- Neo Pets- Tamogatchis, pick your poison. Either way, all of them showed me the extent that at the ripe age of 10, I would not be able to take care of a pet, or plant, or in this case, a digital pet.

-Remember SkipIt anyone? That thing you put your ankle through and the ball rolled around and counted how many times it went around while you skipped it? Obviously a tool to fight childhood obesity. I’d always play with that thing, and be so out of breath – or just trip on my self and fall on my face.

Easy Bake ovens were the shit! I always wanted one, but my mom refused to get one for me. Upon further thought, pretty sure they really just were enforcing traditional gender roles – girls in the kitchen, cooking and shit, while little boys played with Tonka trucks and hot wheels. Mind. Blown.

Pound Puppies and Beanie Babies led me to an early life of hoarding. Thank god, my mother cut me off.

-My favorite Saturday Morning cartoon, Recess, seems to just have been a metaphor for social rebellion. As the Wikipedia article says, “Recess is illustrated to be a symbol of freedom— a time when children can express themselves and develop meaningful relationships. Most episodes involve one or more of the main six characters seeking a rational balance between individuality and social order. They are often defending their freedom against perceived threats by adults or social norms. The group’s leader, T.J. Detweiler, tends to have the most complete vision of this struggle, though even he has times when he inadvertently leads the group too far toward an extreme of conformity or nonconformity.” Say whaaaaaat?! So I guess I missed all of this when I was a child from 5-9. And here, all I thought it was about was a scary ass principle and a badass kid name TJ who looked chubby to me. Oh, and that punk/sassy girl with pigtails who I assume was Asian, maybe?

-Everyone hated Angelica in Rugrats, but now, I just realize she was just a really amazing Head Bitch in Charge. Girl was fierce.

-Judy, Doug’s sister in Doug, was the 90’s hipster. She probably would’ve gone to NYU and been in Tisch majoring in some drama studies. Doug, on the other hand, well I’m not sure how old he was at the time, but if he ever grew older, or if there was a “Doug: the Movie” with him 5-10 years later, he would probably still live with his parents, his 5 strands of hair would be reduced to a bald head, and maybe he’d level up for an argyle sweater vest instead of that puke green one.

The Proud Family was just a child’s precuror to prepare us for Tyler Perry shows and movies.

-The members of N’Sync may be the most perfect example of terrible aging – minus Justin Timberlake of course, who aged like fine wine – shit only got better for him.

-I thought the Spice Girls would stay together forever… “Friendship Never Ends”?  I guess I was wrong. It’s just not fair. They deceived me! When Sporty Spice split off for her own career I think was when I became a woman. Basically.

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4 Comments

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  1. I am too old to know who any of these tv people are, but it does explain my children’s generation a little, so thanks for that although I suspect this won’t stop the recurring nightmares. Even the Easy Bake oven jolted me a little. I had the 1964 version, you can see at http://www.etsy.com It was green and the cakes always got stuck on the way out so you electrocuted yourself pulling it out with a fork even though you mom continually reminded you not electrocute yourself by sticking a fork in there. Parents were a lot more laid back back then. Basically if you were stupid enough to stick a fork in there, you deserved whatever ya got. It was easier to just eat the batter rght out of the pan with a spoon, if you still had fingers.

  2. I tried to put the actual picture of the Easy Bake oven here but I can’t get it to paste. It’s the difference between a woodstove and a stainless steel range. It’s quite funny to see it now. Now that I think about it, I think it came with a poker.

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