Okay, okay, I’ll admit… many months ago I made myself an OkCupid account, just for kicks (that’s how it always starts, right?). I was legitimately curious to see what kind of people are on that website / are looking to online date. Anyways, I rarely check the account, and typically get emails from the account notifying me of new messages or someone winking at me or checking me out (thanks for being my wingman OkCupid). As I am home, and work hasn’t started yet, I’ve been incredibly bored, so I decided to log in and the messages I have read have been completely, and utterly fantastic. Here are a few winners.
“generic overexcited greeting! obvious reference to profile information, with or without drawing a comparison between what we put on our profiles. rhetorical question? rhetorical answer! unnecessary semi-forced semi-witty remark. laughing onomatopoeia! humble request for further communication?”
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE DENIAL OF REQUEST FOR FURTHER COMMUNICATION. I only wish I had the balls/heart to respond like that. People are ODD. “laughing onomatopoeia”? Maybe my refusal to respond back to his message for 3 months is a sufficient answer to his attempt at a witty, original message and request for further communication.
“Sex and the city?! Omg my fav!! Lol jk, how’s it going?”
Rule number one: DONT fucking joke around about Sex And The City. Its not a joke. It’s not a laughing matter. I don’t think its funny. Who do you think you are?
“you are so feminine. your hands are beautiful. so sexy. i like goodlooking hands and feet ;)”
LOLWUT. First of all, “you are so feminine” – I’m completely thankful that someone finds me feminine, so I guess I’ll take that as a compliment. Like, what else would you expect? Second of all, my hands? How, through a thumbnail picture of my face and me holding a drink do you judge a person’s hands?! Third of all, foot fetishes … not my deal. I really should tell this guy he shouldn’t start off a conversation by revealing his weird fetish. Last of all, get your weird as fuck winky face out of here.
“I am vaguely exciting. Your curiosity should have you messaging me by the time you’re done reading this.”
Hmm, no. Not really. Sorry. I’m as curious as Ricky Martin in an all female strip club.
“Not gonna lie, your profile screams hipster, but then, I don’t really mind”
So, umm… your point?
“hey hun how are you, you are sooo “GORBEAUTE” my way in saying you are very gorgeous, beautiful, and cute in one word lol maybe we could get to know eachother better, im hoping youll gimme a chance and holla at me”
For starters, don’t call me hun. I will cut off your balls. Next, MAKING UP WORDS IS NOT CUTE. Yeah, I do it. I say weird shit like “funsies” and often do not pronounce the final syllables of words, but thats just me. WTF kind of word is GORBEAUTE… it sounds like a monster, or a rabid animal. So by calling me gorbeaute, its an insult… despite your explanation. Also, I do not holla.
In conclusion, people on OkCupid, and I’d imagine on any dating website for that matter, are weird / odd / socially inept. Its quite comical. I couldn’t even bring myself to copy on here the many incoherent messages like “WUDDUP B3AUTiFUL, H0W YU D0iN'”. Like, excuse me? Is that English? Its looks like computer code or binary to me. Maybe you should learn to use your keyboard before you try to communicate with me. I’m not sure if people are trying to set themselves apart, or trying to be completely original by making a fool of themselves by sending messages like that. Who knows. All I know is, this is further evidence that men are weird.