I will admit, I’m a gym rat. Especially as of late… something has to balance out my bad drinking habits! I go to the gym every day, sometimes for hours on end, because I have no life. If for some unfortunate reason, you come across me at the gym you might notice my irritation or disgusted look. Do not worry, its only because that’s my typical workout face, or the fellow gym rats are pissing me off. In any case, here are a few of my pet peeves / grievances that must need to be addressed while working out in public gyms.
Ensemble. No. It is not okay to wear Mickey Mouse ears while working out. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I don’t care that youre 60something. No. Mickey mouse ears, lumber jack outfits, and men looking like theyre trying to impersonate McHammer don’t even cover the atrocities I’ve seen. Also, to male patrons, at such an age, your balls begin to sag. That being said, please for the love of GOD, do not wear shorts while doing exercises that will expose said balls to innocent bystanders. Its both shocking, and alarming. In the same breath, yes, womens locker rooms are locker rooms to change, store your belongings, shower, etc. That being said, it does NOT give you permission to come within 4 inches from my face with you’re bare, (typically saggy) boobs. Nor is it okay for you to bend over in front of me with your naked back end. Get a towel. I’m not really that interested in seeing every birth mark on your right butt cheek. Thanks.
Hygiene. If you sweat a lot, you should probably carry around a complimentary towel with you wherever you go. True story, a man got off a treadmill and was sweating profusely while stretching. I walked by, and slipped in his sweat. Towel up friend. This falls under hygiene as well: I ABSOLUTELY hate when I’m on a machine and someone in my 2 foot bubble, farts, or emits some disgusting smell. If that’s not bad enough, its more embarrassing when someone walks through or by me, gets a whiff, and assumes its me. ITS NOT ME! Please, claim your farts.
Small Talk. “Its a beautiful day today isn’t it?”, “Is that exercise hard? It looks hard”, “Hey, I haven’t seen you here in a minute!”. Cut. It. Out. I do not know any of you. So stop acting like we’re friends. I’m not looking for a workout buddy… let alone a 50 year old male workout buddy (find me a 20 something male, and I’ll reconsider). Leave me alone. I have a perpetual bitch face for a reason. On the other hand, equally as bad as small talk is over sharing. One time, while I was stretching, this middle aged man took it upon himself to divulge the lovely details of the birth of his son. Okay, I get it dude, youre a happy, excited, gloating father. But there is NO reason why me, a complete uninterested stranger, should hear how your wife pooped before the baby came out. Or the choice words she used to let her husband know she was ready for the epidermal. I DONT CARE. Also, its too much information. I don’t even know your name, or who you are. So why are you telling me this?! Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my wife’s birthstory, so listen maybe? Fuck. No.
Some people. UGH. I’m totally allowed to judge people at the gym because I’m definitely the perfect gym-goer, of course. (joke)