Can you imagine having a little spawn running freely through the world? No? Me neither. Maybe one day in the far distant future it will happen, but not any time soon of course. That’s why this week I’m thankful for “birth control”. And by birthcontrol I not only mean contraception, etc. but other types of birthcontrol… such as babysitting, teaching children to swim, managing a pool overrun by children, looking at children, ugly babies (kidding. Or am I?). etc. Thank goodness for these things… or else everyone in the world would turn into the Octomom – minus the pornstar bit. Just the thought of having an offspring that had a fraction of my genes is frightening. Sadly, I’m not at the point of megalomania where I want hundreds of mini me’s running around all over (people like that exist – just watch the Law and Order SVU episodes where egotistical sperm donors father like 100s of kids… hey, if its on Law and Order, its pretty fucking true). Despite the fact that I teach a Parent Tot swim class (babies in the pool with moms / DILFs), I am still utterly terrified of babies most times. Maybe I just don’t have that maternal instinct that all girls who love babysitting have. Who knows. Either way, thank God for those screaming children on public transportation, the kid with chocolate(?) all over his face throwing a tantrum on the side of the street, and all the children who are a huge pain in the ass and make me think to myself “Never, ever, ever, will a child like you belong to me”. Here’s to hoping that when I grow older and if I decide to have a kid, it will be as well trained as a guide dog puppy reject (you know, just the right amount of cuteness, obedience, and fun). Sorry, I just went there. Thank you various forms of “birth control”.