How To Be American

All-American Pout.

Happy Birthday America! As we celebrate your independence from those oh so dirty Brits (yet, witty and classy) we remember exactly what it means to be an American. If you forgot, here’s a few things you should do this Fourth of July to get all patriotic:

Recognize our Ignorance. And I thought only Canadians were the quirky ones! What other country fucks up the rest of the world by using their own (nonstandardized) system of measurements? Also, everyone else calls “soccer”, “futbol” or “football”. But not us! Instead, the word we use for “soccer” is a completely different game. Not only that, but being a tourist in another country is so easy for Americans… English language is EVERYWHERE! Now, try being a tourist in America where you’re expected to speak English. Shit’s hard! I see it in New York City all the time, tourists struggling to find restaurants, or the Empire State Building (use your sense of direction and just look up at the skyline, dumbass). I can’t tell whether its sad that we don’t commonly speak other languages here in the US of A, or if its completely and utterly convenient that everyone else (or close to everyone else) speaks English all around the world. Oh how lucky it is to be an American. Ignorant sons of bitches.

Flaunt What You’ve Got. No, I do not mean to say, show your ass or any other body parts / assets you have (although overexposure would be a VERY American thing to do). As Americans, we are entrenched in our capitalistic tendencies. Despite the fact that stores will be closed today, this week you should still spend ridiculous amounts of money. What better way to say “Happy Birthday Country!” than to pour money into its economy! What the fuck do you think 4th of July is for anyways, besides a day off? Think of all that patriotic shit you buy for your 4th of July pool parties and BBQs… its all part of our capitalistic system, duh. Hey, at least we’re not on the Euro right now. Now THAT would be a sad ass nationwide birthday party. Also, be sure to fill up your gas tank sometime this week. Our country would really love it if you exploited our outright, pathetic dependence on gas and oil. Watch the money burn!

Embrace Multiculturalism. Remember in 3rd grade when you had Multicultural Day and you dressed up / brought in food from either your culture or another culture? In retrospect, if I looked back and observed Multicultural Day, it probably looked extremely racist. But really, there’s no culture like American culture! I mean, you can go to a Japanese restaurant, and have Mexican people making your food! OMG we are so cultured.

Drink, Drank, Drunk.  As an American, its probably your patriotic duty to drink your body weight in liquor this 4th of July. That being said, let your beer gut hang out, your mind get inebriated, and your words be incoherent. 4th of July is the ultimate excuse to drink until you become rude, and racist – thus showcasing the diversity that America has to offer (just kidding!). Bottoms up! Just remember to do so responsibly of course.

Eat Obscene Amounts of Food. Its also probably your patriotic duty. As Americans, we have to live up to that obesity percentage. Eat all the chicken skewers, and BBQ’d food you want… because today, you earned it! Today you should also reflect upon the greatness we call American cuisine. Now, think about this for a second… Its like this: burritos is to Mexican, as gyros is to Mediterranean, and spaghetti is to Italian as… cheeseburger is to American? Why do we get stuck with the (albeit delicious, yet) fattening, fast food, for our ethnic cuisine?! Typical Americans. SMH. Dinner at McDonalds (including a large fries, big mac, and soda) would also be an acceptable way of having an all-American day.

Be Obnoxious. There are a plethora of other notoriously loud and obnoxious cultures. But lets face it, America is definitely up there. Maybe we’re not all Sarah Palins (sorry to break it to you foreigners), but we can be pretty patriotic. So get out your American flag cape, run the streets in your underwear, rip roaring drunk, and celebrate the independence of America. Rep Yo’ Country.

…and here’s a picture of Captain America… JUST BECAUSE I CAN!

Happy Fucking Birthday Amurica.


One Comment

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  1. love this! amurica and its strange ways.

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