Cruising With SkyMall

On my 10 hour, 45 minute plane ride to Barcelona via Frankfurt, I became all types of bored. Having finished my less than satisfying “lunch” (by lunch I mean microwaved pasta with cotton ball-like meatballs, a piece of dry bread, and for dessert an all too dry brownie. The upside? It wasn’t curry despite what I thought it smelled like – I could only imagine the bathroom lines if that were the case), I realized I had only occupied 2.5 hours of my 10 hour flight to Germany. For fuckssake, we were probably only over Nevada or some shit. In order to keep myself busy and avoid reading Cosmo’s “50 Hot Summer Sex Tips” or some inglorious shit like that, I turned to my seat pocket’s issue of SkyMall, which I found both entertaining and highly informative.

5 Things I Think Would Greatly Improve My Quality of Life

Affirmation Box Skymall
Bob’s Affirmation Box, $24.95

When opened it says little phrases like, “Lookin’ good, Bob,” “You sure are sexy, Bob,” “Way to go, Bob,” or “You’re the man, Bob.” I don’t even give a flying fuck that my names not Bob, it would be all too awesome to open this thing to take out my jewelry in the morning, and hear a little compliment. Just incase you needed a little morning pick me up. I would definitely make a friend named Bob just to give him this kick ass box. It wouldn’t be awkward at all to meet a guy named Bob and give it to him the second time I see him, would it?

Smoking Dragon Incense Box, $24.95

First of all, because I’m the type of person to burn incense in my living space (joke), I would definitely need this. Its just badass. I don’t care if it doesn’t have a real purpose besides looking like it belongs in a type of lair or something. Can I bedazzle it? I’d put this on the kitchen table and let the motherfucker burnn.

Wine Glass Holder Necklace, $24.95

The description says, “Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip!” As a self proclaimed wine-o (AKA borderline alcoholic?), I’m actually semi serious about wanting this. First of all, on the product description, your girl ALWAYS keeps her wine “close at heart” Don’t you worry. But a cool gadget would be pretty awesome to give me room to gesture violently and emphatically as I typically get when drinking buttloads of wine.

Sky Mall
Personalized Cell Phone Flask, $19.99

On the subject of drinking, I’m all for disguised drinks. This Cell phone flask is definitely a solution to your problems if your friends and family say you have a drinking problem. You even get to personalize what the fake screen says! “Your Life Is A Joke, So Just Drink Anyways” would be suitable if you actually bought this from SkyMall. The sad and most obvious part about this, is that you really can’t fool anyone using this thing, it looks like one of the very first cellphones made, or you stole it from a 5 year old and peeled off the “princess phone” sticker.

Sky Mall
Comfort-U Pillow, $129.95

I want this pillow thing. I don’t even care its ambiguous-ness, I want it. First of all, look at how serene and lovely the pillow model is! She must have had such a great sleep, rose in hand, with only a few petals shed! Its a sure sign this is a great product! Right? Second of all, the name “Comfort-U” implies this is a pillow for those who are “forever alone” (ie. Yours Truly). The way she’s nestled into the pillow, obviously means that its a single person pillow, so they can feel cuddled from both behind and the front! How great! There’s no possible way to use this pillow with a bed partner – unless you want to be a huge asshole and take up 80% of the bed with your big fucking pillow. Sorry you’re forever single, but here’s a pillow to help you feel better at night.

So as you can see, two thoughts entered my head while flipping through the magazine, 1) WHO the fuck would buy THIS? and then, after some consideration 2) Oh I could actually use that. Next time you want to be entertained during a flight, be sure to pull out your SkyMall magazine, and then imagine yourself using every single product they sell. Your life gets 10038482037 times better. Am I joking? I’m not quite sure myself.


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