Why Seabourn Cruises Exacerbate My Princess Complex

What do you MEAN I’m not a princess?

Currently I am adjusting to life as a regular person back in the suburbs of San Francisco, CA. Its a tough life, especially when you just got home from a Seabourn Cruise where you yachted (is that the verb for yacht?) throughout Spain, Monaco, and the French/Italian Riviera. I always feel like a princess onboard, so you can imagine my distaste when I came home to foggy San Francisco and had to unpack my own suitcase, cook my own food, and drive myself around. Fuck you reality. But seriously, the yachts at Seabourn are amazing, I always feel like royalty (afterall, Newt Gingrich was rumored to be on my last Seabourn Cruise) along with the other 200+people onboard.

The Boat

Quest Seabourn Cruise
Seabourn Quest, the boat fit for a Princess

The yacht itself is beautiful. Its small enough to dock in the most exclusive / elusive ports, yet big enough to not run into the same people all the time. It boasts 4 amazing restaurants, coffee bars, a library, gym, spa, salon, pool, multiple bars, etc. AKA all you could ever want, AKA I’m looking into retirement options to live on the ship. It has this main spiral staircase (think Titanic-like, but then again, don’t think anything Titanic actually), that really makes me feel like a princess when I run down the stairs while wearing my mullet skirt (shout out to you Dani, who first mastered the mullet skirt flow down the stairs). The ship is fancy, which means its inhabitants should also be fancy. As many other cruises have, there’s a dress code on board. Some nights are “Resort Casual”, “Formal Attire”, or “Semi-Formal Attire”. So basically you cant dress like a sloppy fuck when on board. I mean, its not like you can’t show up in jeans and they’ll turn you away. But I love that everyone onboard loves dressing up, just like yours truly.

Life’s tough when you wake up to this view on your balcony

The People

The yacht we were on for this vacation held about 200 guests, with 300 staff. Simple math, that basically means you have more than a 1:1 ratio of guest to staff member. And thats pretty much what you get. In fact, in your room, you have your own personal stewardess who essentially cleans your room, constantly stocks your personal in room bar as well as your bathroom with Hermes and L’Occitane products, draws you a bath on request, gives you your itinerary every day, and will go to the ends of the earth to satisfy your every need. Seriously. I actually considered asking Petra (our stewardess) to rub my feet after a particularly exhausting day (just kidding actually, but I really did think it) .One morning, this primadonna lady was having the biggest princess bitch fit because it was the sixth day on the ship and the staff didn’t remember her order, “I GET AN EVIAN WATER WITH NO ICE, AND A GLASS OF WHITE WINE, EVERY MORNING WITH MY BREAKFAST! HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO REMEMBER?!” True story. If I had to deal with this nonsense I give her her Evian definitely… splashed on her face. The patience the staff on board has with these ridiculous people is crazy amazing, I can’t say enough. Also, they all tend to be young and attractive (and typically foreign – South African / European), which is ALWAYS a plus in my book. Eyecandy? Check. Although sadly, the typical population on Seabourn yachts are retired, 50+ crowd, which leaves my sister and I usually the only ones below 30 or so. But its whatever. The old folks look at you like youre a novelty of some sort, and you end up giving the “Oh I go to NYU and I’m majoring in blah blah blah and I want to do this and blah blah blah” speech about 14 times on your vacation. But who cares… princesses always like talking about themselves.

The Food

If I wasn’t worried about gaining weight, I could eat like a king and literally have an amazing steak dinner for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and as a snack if I requested so to Petra. But to be honest 20 lbs doesn’t look too good on me and I don’t need so much red meat in my system. The food is always so perfectly divine at any and all of the restaurants. Its all you can eat, 24/7, whatever you want. I die. Each 3-4 course dinner is always equipped with your own personal sommelier, who makes sure you have a never ending wine glass. That’s another thing, the endless alcohol. How else do you spell princess than never ending/keep them coming margaritas, pina coladas, gin and tonics, and mimosas? I could be pool side, walking around, at dinner, lunch or breakfast, or at the gym, and someone would refill my glass of whatever I was drinking. They are simply magical.

The Places 

The places we docked at were perfect. Barcelona, Spain I got my trendy, European, artsy princess on. Then in St. Tropez I got my Daddy’s girl / retail therapy princess on. And later in Monaco / Monte Carlo my inner classy Grace Kelly came out. While on the French Riviera, we stopped at the Villa Rothschild, which overlooked the water. I found myself telling my parents to start booking my wedding here, because every princess needs a picture perfect wedding at a pretty place, right? Oh god. I need to be slapped…

Open air tourist boats are not for princesses, but sight seeing in Cinque Terre is.

Obviously I’m obsessed with Seabourn cruises. I looked into it and you actually can rent/timeshare a suite onboard. So not only will I be saving for the rest of my life so I can live on the ship, but I will also be taking donations to perhaps speed up this process. Anyone interested in donating? K thanks.


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