10. Michael Phelps makes me emotional. Yeah so maybe I shed a tear after his last swim. SO WHAT. And maybe I cried a bit after I found out he’s dating blonde
model swimming groupie Megan Rossee. Feelings of sadness, loss, grief, etc. I will never love Lochte the way I love(d) Phelps.
09. Ralph Lauren does not suit Team USA. Time to exploit how douchey Team USA is. Lets make them all roll out wearing all white with douchebag hats, and long ass skirts, and white socks and shoes. No wonder other countries hate us… we look like grade-A douches. But I must say, at least we didn’t have to wear those obnoxious red/white fire of the dragon track suits Russia had.
08. McKayla Maroney is a betch. Who knew she was a top notch betch? This whole viral meme she’s got going on is not only hilarious, but also shows her true betchy side. Girl knows what she deserves and will bitch about it all she wants. She also has her own entourage that consists of best friend Kyla Ross. Oh and she loves taking selfies on Instagram.
07. I would actually do anything to hang out at the Olympic Village / party with the athletes… like sell my already emotionless soul.
06. The Chinese are INTENSE. Comment from a Chinese Olympic diver in the WSJ about the Chinese system of picking athletes at a young age for national training centers: “Sometimes, I get to see my family every other year. If the competition schedule is not that tight, sometimes I can spend a whole week with my parents in a year.” Did anyone see when that Chinese dude, Qiu Bo, had a bitchfit because he won a silver fucking medal? Seriously? I’m half Chinese… shouldn’t that mean I should be a fraction as intense as the Chinese olympians? Hmmm… I guess it doesn’t work that way considering I’ve never been 1/100 as intense about anything in life as the Chinese are about the Olympics.
05. Everybody loves the underdogs. Lola Jones’ comeback, Oscar Pistorius, non Americans in swimming… so what if they didn’t do that well… you still rooted your ass off for them, didn’t you? Everyone loves a good story.
04. Posh Spice is a Goddess. Not that you didn’t know that. I mean, DID YOU SEE HER? Yes, the Spice Girls reunion was amazing, but lets be honest, all I care about is Victoria fucking Beckham. Who the hell is her surrogate, because I seriously cannot comprehend how that little beautiful thing could have popped out four spawn children. Its unfathomable to me.
03. The 2016 Summer Olympics will consist of hungover, wasted athletes… according to the party Rio threw on stage at the closing ceremonies. There is NO WAY that the Olympic village in 2016 will not consist of multiple carnivals/fiestas.
02. Samuel Jackson is either illiterate, cannot type on his phone, truly speaks the way he tweets, or is just crazy. No wonder Apple asked him to do a commercial for them… I can only imagine him dictating his tweets to Siri, “Siri, remind me to watch the MAHGFAQQINN LYMPICS.”
01. My life thus far has no significance. Probably a majority of these athletes are under the age of 20. Take for example the fab 5… who took gold this year. They probably haven’t even hit puberty yet or had their first menstrual cycle, and already are getting endorsements and being paid for just showing up. In a perfect world, I would’ve been paid years ago for just showing my face. Don’t even get me started on Missy freaking Franklin. Girl hasn’t even started her senior year in highschool and already has a world record and gold medal to her name. Want to know what I had to my name at the age of 17? $500 and a first generation iphone. Additionally, at the ripe age of 20, I have yet to meet an 18 year old that looks like British diver Tom Daley. What the actual fuck. Its like the Olympic athletes are mythical creatures we watch and hear about, but never actually encounter.
In other news, it’s been confirmed that Serena William is actually a beast.