Holy Sh**! Being a Primadonna with Ballerina Tea

WARNING: This post may be graphic, in images and descriptions. If you are faint-hearted or have an unsettled stomach, maybe you should grow a pair… and continue reading.

Let’s preface this with I’m not anorexic, bulimic, have body dysmorphic disorder, think I am heavily overweight, neither am I making fun of anyone of these things. I eat what I want, when I want. I have a healthy appetite and exercise in a healthy manner. Let’s be honest now, everyone always is trying to lose a few pounds here or there. In my case, the number is always changing, so regardless, weight loss is always a goal. Living in SoHo not only means being close to the hottest designers and clothes, but also being close to the Chinatown supermarkets (equally as trendy – right?). Among the delicacies we found while shopping in our local Chinese market, were frogs, and the amazing Ballerina Tea (they were out of opium, sorry friends).

This shit is on SALE. Get them while supplies last.

Okay, sorry, I had to show the frogs, since it might’ve been the most disgusting thing I’ve witnessed since a child/person smeared fecal matter all over a bathroom stall at my pool. Anyways. What is Ballerina Tea you ask? Well Google it, and you’ll find people complaining about how they lost a whole person by shitting out their weight, or people talking about how they lost 5-10lbs the first week they started drinking the concoction. Anyways, for the most part it seemed relatively safe, so I figured I’d try it and opted for the Maximum Strength 3 Ballerina Tea, plus side… it has no caffine, downside, I might shit my pants unexpectedly. After consuming a pretty fucking good home cooked dinner of seared ahi tuna, a salad, some poke tuna, kale chips, and a few Chinese moon cakes (the miniature sized ones), I drank the draaank (but only steeped the tea for about 2 minutes in fear of creating some hardcore fire within my loins – not the good kind).

My favorite review was this lady who calls herself a “lifer” since she’s drank the tea for life (which, by the way, makes me think more negative connotations about the tea. You usually refer to yourself as a “lifer” if you’ve been in jail before), and says that the tea is basically a “roto-reuter” for your insides and that it takes about three hours after drinking it for the plumber to come a knocking. People are fucking hilarious! I want to be friends with this lady – minus the whole referring to herself as a “lifer” thing. Also, since this chick has been on this tea for so called “life” it leads me to believe she can’t have a bowel movement without the Ballerina Tea… another downside.

But hey, this whole thing is about to be a fun ass experiment for me so we will just see what happens! I don’t plan on using this regularly, I don’t plan on shedding massive amounts of weight (if this shit even works), I don’t plan on using laxatives normally… In case you are legitimately concerned for my well being. I just see this as a healthy detox to starting a healthy diet in the near future (or near off future). As I was saying, I’m currently waiting for my supposed explosive bowel movement to come which will supposedly make me lose a bajillion pounds (just kidding, I know that doesn’t happen, but it’s funny that people think that actually happens… unless you actually shit in pounds). You bet your ass I’m paranoid as hell as how this is going to go about. Here are a few of my worse case scenarios of how I will shit myself:

I am obviously concerned. I am not a Ballerina. I don’t know if I can handle this.

It will happen unknowingly when I am sleeping. That’s gross. Hell, this whole post is gross. If youre still reading, I sincerely congratulate you.

I will go to my 9am lab tomorrow and it will happen. We’ll be in the middle of discussing the Michaelson Interferometer and I will have to run to the bathroom. Making it entirely inconvenient for me.

I will go to work at Martha Stewart Living after class and it will happen. I will be mortified if I take a shit in the same bathroom Martha Stewart and her colleagues use.

I will have to shit on the bus / train en route to or from work. And it’ll be a disaster. I’ll get my daily workout from holding my bowels in, the extra challenge will come when I have to transfer from the bus to train or visa versa.

It will attack me when I least expect it. I’ll be winding up my day at the gym, or at yoga, thinking that this Ballerina Tea is a hoax and thus relaxing and not expecting anything, and then BAM, I shit my pants.

Who knows what will happen. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on my live twitter account @maddyspoopdiaries FOLLOW ME! Just kidding. It’s really not an account. That I made. It could be an account, but I didn’t make it. I’m just blogging deliriously because I am sick, and also on Ballerina Tea, but really thats just irrelevant.

Wish me luck with this impending poopocalypse.

Sincerely,

Scared Shitless

P.S. If you actually read through this whole post, you are amazing. You’ve earned a fucking prize and I love you.

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8 Comments

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  1. This is hilarious lol I literally read this to my roommates and now they’re all crying of laughter reading the reviews for it online. Keep us posted!

  2. Wow to funny u def . have a way with words i also read to other people and had a very long laugh.

  3. I just bought this tea during my last trip in NYC, I tried it…and I am not ready at all for the ballet!

  4. Hey I was just wondering how did it go with the tea!??

  5. I almost shit my pants reading this. How was it? I know this is old news now.

  6. Are You There God? You Never Call. February 18, 2014 — 14:33

    Oh my god, I drank this thinking “dieter” was just code for “will make you crunk on caffeine” and now I am living in the office john like some sort of gross poop troll. Oh god, never again.

  7. Indiana Tavarez August 18, 2015 — 12:33

    I tried before and It sent me flying to the bathroom,,lol…

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