Remember Mitch Albom’s 5 People You Meet in Heaven? Where the main character encounters different people who have effected his life in some way or another? Well, this is my 10 people you meet in my very own personal hell.
- Smarty pants. That person when you walk into a test noticeably flustered and freaked the fuck out and profusely sweating, who asks if you studied to which you respond a high caffinated, over zealous, “YES DID YOU?!” To which they respond, “Oh, no. It shouldn’t be that bad” Fuck you dude. We out here trynna function.
- Loud typers. Like when they type it sounds like their keyboard committed murder in the second degree and the typer is trying to punish them. Each key stroke has a purpose… which is to fuck you up.
- Shameless eaters. Who cares if youre in class in a small ass room with bad ventilation… its a really great time to eat Kimchi… or that tilapia you brought for lunch. Be aware of your surroundings! I hate that feeling like I have garlic breath, or that I smell like grease just because some shameless eater was stuffing their face in too close of a vicinity from me.
- Skinny people with metabolisms to kill for. Go ahead. Eat all the fat people food you want. While your body remains unaffected by that hamburger you just had, my body just developed a new inch of cellulite for every bite I take.
- Feet shufflers. We all know them. PICK UP YOUR GODDAMNED FEET! Its not that hard! Youre really that lazy you can’t be bothered to lift your feet up off the ground when you walk?! What are you wearing? SLIPPERS?! Get outta here!
- People that make me feel inadequate. What was that? You own your own small business at the age of 22? Oh, wow. My biggest accomplishment is making it to every single one of my classes and work on time every day of the week…. On a good day I might even get some work done.
- People that rape your ears with their bad music. You’ll be sitting in a library, or coffee shop, or cafe, and all of a sudden some godforsaken boy band, or Taylor Swift, or something else that makes you feel absolutely miserable starts being played… not only audible, but loudd. Extra points if they sing terribly along to the song – without knowing the words, or knowing how to carry a goddamn tune either. They literally rape your ears – in that the noise forcibly penetrates your ears, and you can’t escape it. Its horrific. All you can do is turn around and glare – give them your best bitch stare… it usually works.
- Happy couples. You belong in a black hole. Absolutely away from the public eye and off of Facebook. You don’t need to depress the shit out of the world.
- Inconvenient tourists. I like tourists in New York! I do! ESPECIALLY when they ask me for help on the street, “Do you know where x place is?” “Where is 14th Street?” Answering these peoples questions gives me the ultimate feeling of purpose. I’m doing something with my life! Yes! Yes I CAN help you! Or even if I don’t know where that restaurant is, I can pretend I do and act very helpful, which will result in your ultimate gratitude – until you find out I led you the complete opposite way. Anyways, some tourists though are the worst. Not only are they rude and don’t speak English (thereby holding up the Starbucks line because they don’t know how to say MACCHIATO), but they don’t know how to walk. And its these people that unnecessarily clog up the streets of NYC. Meandering, dwaddling, wandering aimlessly. I GOT SHIT TO DO, PEOPLE TO SEE, PLACES TO GO BITCHES! Get outta my way.
- People who rant about shit they dislike. Aren’t they just the worst?! The nerve.