20 Shameful Things I am Openly Admitting To (Since It’s the End of the World and All)

*Youtube video at the end if youre too lazy to read.

So tomorrow is supposed to be the end of the world, right? Like how are we supposed to go out? Is Earth going to get hit by a huge ball of fire/astroid? Are we all just going to disintegrate? Will blackness cover the Earth and like, BAM, that will be it? Most likely, you’ll wake up Saturday morning (maybe hung over from your end of the world festivities) and realize, DAMN everything is fine! Well, in the case that the world does end tomorrow, there are some things I’m going to admit.

Yup, I’m going there #SHAMELESS

12/21/2012: The day we irrationally, illogically freaked the fuck out.
  1. Leaving the channel on some stupid infomercial etc because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
  2. Not recycling. There. I said it.
  3. Leaving an okay – small tip (mostly applies to cab drivers) and justifying it in my mind. “HE DIDNT EVEN HELP ME LOAD MY BAGS”, “I had to ask her to refill my water glass once”
  4. Liking my outfit on a particular day and finding a way to get maximum exposure out of it.
  5. Speaking of outfits … wearing the same outfit the next day, because as far as you’re concerned, no one really saw you wearing it anyways. It’s a lot of effort picking out a new outfit, you know?
  6. In middle school, my AIM screen name was sportqt926… one time I went into an AIM random chatroom, and thus, learned the meaning to a/s/l, and thought it appropriate to ask my friends that. So embarrassed. G2G.
  7. Watching episodes of Biggest Loser, as motivation to go work out.
  8. Making a lunch out of a visit to Costco when samples are out. Hint: If you smile, and say thank you, and maybe even strike up a conversation with the Costco workers, they probably won’t even notice you taking 4 toothpicks of that gruyere cheese. Trust me. It’ll go well with those fruit snacks being sampled out in the produce aisle.
  9. Responding to texts, “Sorry! I just saw this now!” Whoops. Secrets out. Sorry guys.
  10. Getting irrationally upset when people are wearing really unflattering / bad clothing for themselves. Like, DID YOU LOOK IN A MIRROR THIS MORNING? Honestly. Maybe even your reflection in the glass window or SOMETHING! If you did, you’d probably know your leggings are doing your cameltoe justice, or that… oh, hey, you have a sock stuck to your shirt.
  11. When I worked at an organic fro yo place for like a full two weeks, I would lick my fingers if I got fruit/yogurt/toppings on them… and then not wash them before I served customers. Also, I would use the same knife that I used to cut the fresh organic mangoes, to also  cut the kiwis. It wasn’t out of spite, it was just negligence. I promise. Lastly, often I ate some of the the organic, vegan, brownies that I was supposed to crumble for toppings.
  12. I rooted for a Lindsay Lohan comeback. Will you judge me if I say I am still rooting (active tense)?
  13. I despise small talk. Despise as in, I’d rather gouge both my eyes out simultaneously with tweezers instead of forcing small talk with you.
  14. Wanting to invoke the “I take it back” rule. Like when you spontaneously decide to pay for your friends drink/lunch/dinner or let someone in line go in front of you because they have like 2 things to your 20, and said people don’t show their utmost appreciation for the act of kindness you just graced them with… Sometimes I wish I could be like, “Wait, never mind”. Except that would be a real douchebag move…
  15. Excessively looking through a classmate / ex classmates Facebook photos. “UGH! They are such a slut.”, “Wow. This person really is going no where with their life”… at the same time thinking, Damn, their life is galaxies more exciting than mine.
  16. I hate seasonal things. Seasonal decor, seasonal foods, seasonal drinks… like Starbucks seasonal drinks… seasonal drinks with alcohol content are okay with me. #lushlife.
  17. Malia, that one time I passed out wasn’t because I was fresh off of my 12 hour flight from Barcelona and was “jetlagged”… I had polished off a bottle of Skinnygirl cosmo, basically singlehandedly.
  18. Another thing, I like to drink Skinnygirl not only because it eases my mind that I’m not consuming as many calories (or so they say), but because everyone else in the whole world finds it so repulsive, I don’t have to share.
  19. The pleasure of pressing on my bruises. I realize thats weird. Whatever, I’m not a masochist or anything, I swear.
  20. That moment of relief that ensues after you ask someone something that starts with “Are you sure …” and their answer is “Yes, don’t worry about it” (or the like)… Thank you baby Jesus! Like, “Are you sure you don’t want me to drop you off 10 miles more than I was headed anyways?”, “Are you sure you don’t want me to spend 5 times what I make in a week to help you out with a gift you want to buy for your mom?”, “Are you sure you don’t want me to take care of your sick cat while you’re on vacation for a week, even though I hate cats?” Because of course you didn’t want to ask, but you were being polite and all, so thankfully, they recognized this social courtesy and decided to save you the obligation.

Well, if the world doesn’t end tomorrow – like I’m pretty sure it won’t… then there you go. Full disclosure. Everythings out in the open.

In related news: Email from OKCupid in my inbox reads: “Go out with a bang. We’re screwed. You should be too!”…. Classy.

 

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