Queen Elizabeth celebrated her 60th Anniversary on the throne this year. Thats a big fucking deal. Imagine being dedicated to something for six decades. Mmmhhm. Speaking of those classy Brits, this year they also hosted the 2012 Olympics, where the world fell in love with Tom Daley, and the rest of us gazed in awe at the Fab 5. This year we also learned what it was like when inanimate objects were personified over Twitter, when Curiosity landed on Mars. This, was probably one of the most adorable moments of 2012 – my heart melted. Funny enough, this was the same time I realized I had a heart. Who would’ve known! Remember when that
senile old lady in Spain wanted to restore an old ass fresco of Jesus’ face in her church and it was soon dubbed the “worst restoration job in history”? By far, my favorite story of 2012. You BET her 2012, was much better than yours. She is now an “artist” in her own right, and her work is now notorious. What else could you ask for? [Read more about the Ecce Homo Restoration]
Relive the Best of KISSMYSASS in 2012 (according to analytics):
Predictions for 2013:
- Jenny McCarthy will wake up and realized the dude that her Twitter followers elected for her to kiss on live TV on New Years Eve gave her a bad case of oral herpes. (Also, was she drunk out of her mind on NYE?! Please discuss.)
- Paisley makes an even stronger resurgence than it already has. My dream has then become complete.
- The KimYe baby will be birthed. Never ever be as classy or cool as baby Suri or Blue Ivy. Also, Kim K will never lose the baby weight, thus making her ass look somewhat normal.
- People will realize Hillary Clinton is BO$$. Not just as a lady. In general. Overall bad ass-ness
- PSY will write a song in English. And inspire a new dance movement similar to Gangam Style. It will also include the riding the horse movement.
- American Idol will receive its lowest ratings as of yet. Considering Mariah Carey is a host, and she only knows how to sing with her hands. So naturally if you don’t know how to sing with flamboyant hand gestures, you will not be liked by the Glitter diva. Nicki Minaj is also a judge… I find her frightening when she is not with her little posse of 5 year old Sophia Grace and that blonde one.
- 50 Shades of Grey movie will materialize. Thereby letting you see the true colors (get it?) of your middle aged mom, moms friends, etc. Cringe inducing? Very much so.
- Les Miserables will win like, a million awards. One which should be titled, “Most Adorable Brit with Freckles On His Face and Oh Yeah He Sings Okay Too”. Additionally, it will be the year of said recipient, Eddie Redmayne. He’ll step outside of the realm of Burberry modeling and Masterpiece Classics and become a mainstream heartthrob. [Google Image Search: ‘Eddie Redmayne Burberry’ …you’re welcome]
- Women will again find their rights infringed upon in the public sphere and in politics. This will (already have) create a resurgence of feminism/post feminism. Thus sparking the Great Debate of the twenty something females: “Am I a Feminist? Or Not?”
- Everyone will realize Washington and Colorado knew what they were doing when they legalized Mary Jane.
- Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift will come to a realization that their worlds don’t revolve around the opposite sexes. They’ll say, Imma do ME this year! and be single, and stop polluting the radio / mainstream music industry with their music about the boy / girl in their life.
- Beyonce will KILL IT at halftime in the Superbowl.
- Following the example of the Tupac hologram from Coachella will be a Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix hologram, who will go on tour with Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr and the rest of the holographic Beatles. You’ll have to pay your first born for tickets to this concert. Think the Hurricane Sandy Relief concert, 121212, times 572.
I have plenty of other predictions for 2013. But we’ll leave it at that. I’m calling it now:
2013 is about to get really weird.