Internal Monologue of A Somewhat Football Fan

Wow. I wonder if my ass would look THAT good in those pants. Wait. Do all of these guys have great asses like that? Oh. Never mind. Damn. You can actually see his cellulite dimples! Like, Every. Single. One. I wish this wasn’t a high definition TV. Do I have visible cellulite dimples? OH GOD. There’s an ass I’d like to see… the quarterback. Everyone loves a quarterback. Why are they 99% of the time the most attractive person on the team? DON’T HIT HIM! His face is too pretty to be sacked. Well, that’s just rude. Why is that guys hair so long! Can’t someone on the other team just like, pull it, and we can call it a day? Thats gross. Anyways, back to the quarterback. He’s so assertive. I like that in a man. I mean, I know I’m not A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend, or a cheerleader, or groupie, but I wouldn’t mind dating an NFL quarterback. Yeah… wouldn’t mind a bit. OH JEEZ. Did you see that hit? Is that guy alive? Is he dead? I would be dead if I just got hit like that. Actually, I’ve been thinking about this. Scenarios if I were to get hit by an NFL linebacker (with a lot of tattoos, long hair, and 200lbs bigger than me): A) my body would just turn to dust. Poof. Gone. B) Paralyzed for the rest of my life or C) THEYD HAVE MERCY ON ME AND SWERVE. But seriously. These football players are serious business. But WHY are they so big? Is it necessary? Like maybe they should consider weight classes for football leagues. Shit gets outta hand. If we threw in a hockey mentality about fighting, the result would be Fight Club.  But at least theyre wearing a lot of protection. Can we talk about that for a second? I’m trying to think about how fun it would be to put on full body protection and pads like these guys wear, and a helmet, and just go around and crash into things, run freely, not worrying about falling down and getting hurt. It seems so… carefree. It must be nice to make a living off of being athletic and carefree. No wonder NFL players have so many misdemeanors, felonies, etc. Wait, that guy killed someone? Oh god. 

Oh it’s that AT&T 4G commercial that I absolutely love! You know, the one with the kid who can pat his head and waave his hand at the same time? If I ever have one, I want one like that. 

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