Children Are No Different Than 20-Somethings

This showing up on your doorstep is horrifying.
This showing up on your doorstep is horrifying.

I have an interesting relationship with children. I wouldn’t call it a negative relationship, per se. More of a “troubled” relationship. Despite my upbringing in the suburbs, I never babysat (okay, I did ONCE, but I was babysitting with someone else) nor did I ever have a desire to. I find that babies aren’t really that cute… almost alien like. In fact, when I began receiving “American Baby” magazines in the mail (I have no idea HOW I got on that mailing list but I suspect someone must be pulling a godawful prank on me – if so, touché to you anon prankster!), my parents found this hilarious, but I found it utterly repulsive. Soon “American Baby” magazines turned into Similac baby formula samples coming in the mail (again, if this is your doing – I applaud your audacity and sense of humor) and I went from being repulsed to entertained. It’s kind of sad though that it’s a known fact that I have a dislike for babies/children.

They ask awkward questions. Have you ever gotten to know a kid and you’re in a public setting or gathering and it’s all fun and games until the kid points out a pimple on your face. “Mommy what is on her face? Why is it so big?” Or they ask, “You’re old, why aren’t you married?”  Have you ever seen that commercial on TV for some skin disease like eczema, and the little girl is sitting on her mom’s lap brushing her mom’s hair and sees that her neck is all red and irritated and shouts to a room full of people, “MOMMY WHATS THAT?” and soon the camera cuts to the mom being super embarrassed and wanting to tape her child’s mouth shut, but instead she talks about her serious skin disease? Oh. You haven’t seen it? Well that’s how it goes. Just further testament that kids make situations really uncomfortable with their unnecessary questions. I especially hate when kids think they’re being all cute and ask a bunch of stupid questions they expect you to answer, “why is that bird in that tree? why is that man so old? why does that lady wear those pants? why is today Tuesday? how does the TV work?”. Quiet! Just shhh.

They do/say inappropriate things that make me uncomfortable. When I used to teach kids to swim, my swim instructors and I would ask our kids to guess how old we were. At the time when I was like 17-19, I got answers from 10, 20 (smart kid obviously), 35!, 42, 28, or 15. One time when I told them my actual age, one little boy said, “My sisters 18 too! But her boobies are bigger than yours!” There was no escaping this one. “Most likely” I answered, while simultaneously dunking the kid underwater. Also, kids point out the most awkward things too… And this is coming from an awkward person. After teaching a lesson, (in which there was a obtrusive finger in my belly button at one point or another), the kid, who had been hanging on to me, came up an screamed loud enough for all of the lifeguards and parents to hear, “WHY ARE YOUR LEGS SO POKEY! THEY’RE HAIRY!” Obviously I admitted to the whole public essentially that I hadn’t shaved my legs in a few days. Damn kid sold me out. RUDE.

Kids do weird things, like call you a "sissy".
Kids do weird things, like call you a “sissy” and then apologize about it.

They’re super opinionated and want to be heard. Have you ever heard a kid in public throwing a temper tantrum because they wanted something? It’s the thing I hate to witness the most… and also possibly the best form of birth control. Seriously, the decibal levels some of these kids’ voices reach is just ungodly. They’re also picky. Obviously they’re sonsofbitches when it comes to eating. But shit gets awkward if you let a kid pick which person they like best. Situations have come up in my dealings with children in which given the opportunity to pick between me and another person, the other person almost always wins. Cases in which this probably didn’t hold true was when the other person was A) a big hairy man, B) another kid, or C) a senior citizen. This is also one of the reasons why I’m do not see kids in my forseeable future – hypothetically speaking, what if MY kid doesn’t like ME? It’s highly plausible.

So there we have it. Kids don’t like me, and I don’t like them very much. But I’m beginning to think, maybe I don’t like babies/children because sometimes they act no differently than you and me (at the ripe age of twenty-one).

We ask awkward questions. Well, generally speaking, everyone is a little bit socially awkward. Sometimes it’s hard to see the line between socially acceptable and teetering the edge of socially unacceptable. “Hey that’s a really cute top. Did you get it from a thrift store?” -“Thanks. No. I actually got it at Free People.” “Oh no way! How much did you pay for it? If you don’t mind me asking?”. Some people are super obtrusive and want to know everything about you, like when you go on a first date: “Where did you grow up?” “What do you do?” “What kind of food do you like?” “Are you mentally stable?”.. etc. Like, WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ME?! I’M JUST A SIMPLE FOLK.

We do and say inappropriate things that make others uncomfortable. At times we just can’t see that we’re putting ourselves and the people around us in a weird situation that we all feel uncomfortable in. Like when you’re with your friend and their family and all of a sudden your friends mom starts fighting with the dad and you’re just sitting there unsure of what to do in your silence or if you should say anything. Sometimes though I entertain myself by being a complete and utter asshole. Like if you’re meeting your friend and a guy she’s been casually seeing for a few weeks, and after being introduced, you say, “Oh so YOU’RE the boyfriend! Things are super serious now huh?! I’ve heard so much about you! That’s so funny how (reveal that one thing your friend told you not to mention that pertains to the casual date)”. Revel in the look of death you will receive from your friend and the look of shock from her date probably because you said “boyfriend”.

We’re super opinionated and just want our voice to be heard. Whats up with bloggers? Who do they think they are? The proliferation of twenty something bloggers in the world is just getting too out of hand. Bloggers are so annoying. They’re assholes. Who listens to what they have to say anyways?

We’re picky. You’re pretty sure the right man/woman is out there for you. They just have to have the right eyes – no, not blue. Well maybe blue. I can go for brown eyes too. Definitely not glasses. No. Or maybe the right hair – definitely no facial hair. Well maybe minimal, I can deal with that. I don’t date guys who have unnatural hair colors. Or maybe its the right height – They have to be tall. Well not too tall. Like taller than me but shorter than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. But our pickiness doesn’t end with who we date (although that says something right? At least you have standards). It extends to a lot of other things, like what we eat- Yeah I’d like the house special burger, medium rare. But like a little more on the rare side? So 60% rare and 40% medium? Oh and hold the mayo and pickles and cheese. Are the onions grilled? Can you grill them too? What kind of bread is it on? I’d like whole grain please. Oh, you don’t have it? Well there’s a Whole Foods 2 blocks down…

Is there a parallel there? Are twenty somethings no different than infantile, children? I don’t like to think so, but maybe. Also, I am not suggesting I am a woman-child, to be clear…. I’m a grown ass woman.



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  1. One of my favorite quotes goes “We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.” Which is true to an extent but as you have pointed out – sometimes that inner child just wants to come out to play, and as we all know, children who want to play – are not a force to be reckoned with!

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