That One Time I Had A Stalker

You complimented me on my shoes. Said you liked them. So I figured I’d give you the time of day, compared to those boys who holla atcha gurl. Thanks! They just came in yesterday. Theyre one of my cyber Monday purchases. You didn’t know what Cyber Monday was. AKA you probably lived under a rock. So I decided I would try to lose you if I walked faster, considering you were walking a bike. I failed miserably. Well, actually I didn’t foresee you catching up to me while I waited to cross a busy street. You looked like a generic, normal dude. 30 something Jewish guy who probably still lived with his mother. Except you told me 5 minutes after meeting me that you didn’t (TMI guys… incase this is a thing you do). You also told me you worked in publishing, at which point I had the fleeting thought of actually getting to know you in order to leverage our newly made friendship into a book deal (I have morals, really). I decided against it after you didn’t get the hint that I no longer wanted to talk to you. Okay, I’m walking this way (I pointed left when really my building was to the right). It was great meeting you! (Also, I’m incredibly good at faking enthusiasm)

I see you dude. No, like I actually see you.

As I made a dash for the opposite direction, you grabbed my phone, which was in my hand as I was ready to call someone if you decided to jump me. My first reaction to you grabbing my phone was to grab your bike, since I knew I could out run you and/or kick your ass sans your bike. To my relief, but not really, you just called yourself on my phone like a bonifide creeper, so you had my number. The line was officially drawn. I grabbed my phone back and gave you a look that said, What the actual fuck did you just do and who the fuck do you think you are you big weirdo? No more playing nice. Umm, that was weird. My apartment is near and quite frankly I don’t want you seeing where I live so you can keep walking to where you were going and I’ll be going somewhere else. Bye, I said. Sufficiently weirded out, I took the longest walk back to my apartment making sure I wasn’t followed / being incredibly paranoid.

We could’ve been good together. That couple that was like 10+ years apart. Typical Jewish American man dating a fashionable, smart, young, Asian American girl. The New York City stereotype. You could have been my Woody Allen (umm…well, questionable. Also, I hope you got a whiff of sarcasm). My friends said you probably would commit serious crimes against me. I thought differently. You probably were just a sad, lonely, harmless soul. I wasn’t 100% creeped out (okay maybe I was like 95%)… that was until you went, full on, bonafide, creeper status. You stalked me for 48+ hours straight. Calling me every few hours and leaving voicemails. Maybe I would have been flattered (again, questionable), considering you were a successful 30 something, mildly attractive man. Instead, I was sufficiently creeped out by your long and very detailed voicemails and persistence.

We could have been friends that met randomly, spontaneously, serendipitously outside of the gym. Oh, but instead three days later I saw you lurking outside the gym, trying to catch my eye. Thank god for headphones and an iPhone that otherwise make me look preoccupied and busy. Except I accidentally made eye contact. Oh fuck. 

At this point consider NYPD notified. As much as I love Law and Order SVU, I’d rather not be a victim. But lets be honest bro, I saved you a few wasted hours/days analyzing some weird chick who probably isn’t interesting at all to stalk. If anything, this ordeal showed me I’m a creature of habit. I frequent the same places, pretty much at the same time of day. Pro? IF some circumstance were to happen where I needed an alibi, my alibi would probably always check out. AND were I to perish from point A to point B, at least one person would worry somewhere along the way, “Wow. Maddy hasn’t been to the gym in 2 days… she must be dead. Notify the authorities”. Con? I’m obviously that much easier to follow around. Also… I’m in a rut that is called life. There. I said it.

Anyways, goodbye forever… hopefully… creepy guy I met walking a bike outside of the gym who liked my shoes. I like my shoes too. Maybe one day I’ll find an attractive male, non creepy male who likes my Sam Edelmans just as much as you did.


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