You’re picking up groceries or in your local Walgreens/Duane Reade and it looks like someone threw up Valentines Day all over the mother efing store. Pink and red have covered the aisles and shelves with disgusting phrases penetrating your poor eyeballs like, “Be Mine”, “I Love You”, “You’re Sweet”. You gag. You pass the candy aisles with a sweet tooth, consider buying some candy, but decide not to because the packaging is Valentines Day themed. Teddy bears are everywhere. You leave said Duane Reade/Walgreens.
Remember when you were younger and if you were going to celebrate Valentines Day it was necessary you brought treats for everyone? Maybe you even painstakingly wrote each of your classmates’ names on your Necco Sweetheart boxes or Strawberry FunDip packages. Or, maybe you were super cool (like I was, of course), and made your own valentines for your class of 30, and taped a piece of candy. I actually liked when Februrary 14th rolled around back then. YES! I get shit tons of candy! It was like Halloween, except not. Then it was fun and everyone loved everyone! YOU BETTER FUCKING LOVE EVERYONE, OR ELSE. Now, I, probably like most of you, dread February 14th because A) we hate being reminded how seriously single we are, B) its a pointless day, or C) pink and red together are disgusting.
Last year my boyfriend at the time sent me something through the mail. At the time, living in a college dorm of 950 NYU kids, I was notified I had a package downstairs on V-Day (V as in you need a Valium to get through the day) which I slumped downstairs to retrieve and sign for. Note: Even though I had a boyfriend, I still loathed the idea of celebrating Valentines Day, and always will. I went downstairs, signed for my package, and to my disgust, what emerged from the mailroom was a 6foot tall cardboard box which was really awkward for the person to hand off to me. As I grabbed the unweidly large box, the person said, “Wow, you’re so lucky”. But was I? No. I was mortified to carry this large monstrosity of a package back to my apartment on the 10th floor while passing tons of students who knew what was up. I didn’t even open the damn thing when I angrily texted the significant other at the time how angry I was that I was to carry the huge thing around and how much I hate Valentines Day (Don’t worry, there was a ‘thank you’ in there too). So what was in the large fucking box? 3 dozen roses, and a big f****** stuffed bear. Roses: cute. Bear: not so cute. Sure, you get your 5th grade girlfriend a big bear… but not your college aged girlfriend. Especially when you supposedly are 25 years old. Not okay. Chalk it up to a fail (whatever, call me high maintenance or whatever, but I would rather have not celebrated VDay at all). Now this year, I already have plans of getting drunk, disregarding the date, and possibly even going to a shooting range on February 15th (we will see about that – my friend’s brilliant idea, but I’m not sure I can actually follow through).
So whats the deal? I’m not here to examine my Valentines Days of the past. I’m also not here to be a bitter bitch and condemn the Hallmark holiday either. However, I am saying we do away completely with any significance we have of February 14th and this so called Valentines Day. It’s repulsive.
- I don’t want another day to remind myself how singularly single I am. I am constantly aware. This is a day that is totally discriminatory! COUPLES ONLY! Don’t you dare even try to eat out on Feb 14th by yourself (unless you’re totally into masochism), or even with a friend NO I DO NOT WANT THE MOTHERFUCKING COUPLES PRE FIXE MENU GODDAMMIT. Where’s the holiday celebrating single people?!
- If you’re in a relationship you already have a day to celebrate your relationship – its called your anni-fucking-versary. Get. It. Together. Also, its kind of a cop out that its only one day you guys are truly in love and show you care and blah blah… you should be doing that shit all the time.
- Valentines Day makes you fat. So many chocolates and candies… and cute cupcake specials and desserts. I’m a sucker for cute sweets. Also, after Valentines Day theres clearancecandy (also follows Halloween and Christmas). Discount candy is irresistible. Even if it does have hearts and cupids all over it. It also makes you fat because if you’re single you might be one of those people who eats their feelings… or drinks your feelings (like me). Racking up them calories!
- People feel awkward about meeting new people / making connections on February 14. Oh shit, he probably thinks I’m desperate or something, it IS Valentines Day. It shouldn’t be that way. You shouldn’t give a flying fuck about when you’re setting up dates / meeting new people. (Although one time I accidentally scheduled a first date on Halloween night and didn’t realize it until I had been confronted by a witch, Superman, goblins, and a slutty fairy on my way to the restaurant. At least I looked normal on my date compared to the freaks around us).
- Technically, Valentines Day is Saint Valentines Day. St. Valentine lived in the Middle Ages as one of the first Roman martyrs. He was imprisoned and tortured in Rome on February 14, 273. Someone please explain to me: what about that screams romance and love? Clearly it sounds like a set up to torture single people all over.
- Again, pink and red are really ugly colors together.
But in all seriousness, Happy Valentines Day y’all. I love all you readers, for real (just don’t tell anyone I’m capable of that type of emotion). May your day be oozing with love!
and the excitement that you might get laid tonight.