Google Glass Through My Eyes

SJP x Google Glass. Statement. [img via]
SJP x Google Glass. Statement. [img via]
Cue the ominous, futuristic music.

Pardon my french, but I will literally sh** my pants if I ever got my hands on Google Glass. Rumor has it it might be available to consumers by the end of this year at $1500 a pop… which is the equivalent to 30 bottles of Veuve Clicquot, or like my life savings. But I feel like it would TOTALLY be worth it!

Practical Uses of Google Glass:

Drunken mishaps, solved. Say you’re a few (AKA, many) drinks in, you’re stumbling around and you keep walking around the same block over and over and you just want to go home! Something that is seriously wrong with your brain won’t get you home, your phone is dead and you’re shit out of luck (this has happened way too many times) Time to pull out Google Glass. You fish through your purse, pull out your glasses, put them on and say “Google Glass TAKE ME HOME!”. The directions pop up right in front of you. Fool proof. Voila, thanks to Google Glass, you’re safe in the comfort of your own apartment.

YouTube anytime, anywhere. Ever have a shitty day and all you want to do is go home and watch cool/funny youtube videos in bed? With Google Glass you can do it anywhere! Granted, you’re still in public and I guess its you’re decision whether you want to laugh out loud like a lunatic.

-Justified lunacy. People see you in public and you’re talking to yourself. Maybe to someone called…”Glass?”. They also see you constantly looking to the upper right hand corner of your eye. Maybe its a nervous tick? When you’re with your friends they wonder why you don’t look at them, but instead, whatever is in that right hand corner… they’re puzzled. You want to capture their confusion so mid conversation you say, “Glass take a picture!” and carry on with your conversation. Your friend is baffled. Also wondering why you’re wearing those hideous glasses.

-Amping up your fashion sense. You’re walking around with super weird glasses that are either A) ultra stylish; B) super sexy; C) futuristic nerdy; or D) just weird… depending on the way you look at them. Either way its a lose lose situation appearance wise. Even if people on the street recognize you’re wearing Google Glass and probably think you’re the shit and so lucky, they’ll still want to jump you and probably will corner you into an alley and steal your Google Glass from you. You’ll cry. They weren’t that cute anyways.

-Developing a heightened sense of being/importance. All of the prompts for this device start with “Okay Glass…” blah blah. Which would absolutely make me feel like I was a secret agent with an ear piece and futuristic glasses that taps on my temple, in a serious voice, says, “OKAY GLASS, Let’s do this”… and do some seriously cool shit. In reality, I’ll probably just say “OK Glass….” and record a video or take a picture and upload it to Instagram. Not that exciting. But I am fond of the sense of urgency they set you up for.

-Unleashing the inner dork. Speaking of which, hypothetically speaking, if I were to get my hands on a pair of these babies, I would have to unleash my absolute dork! There really is no choice there actually. From saying shit in public while enjoying myself and randomly throwing in a, “Okay Glass, take a picture” or just wearing the silly things… You’d be a complete nerd. But I couldn’t care less.

-Falling on my face. I have a one-track mind and don’t do well with distractions but for the most part I think I can multitask pretty well. I feel like Google Glass would just be a death trap for me.  Maybe I am horribly lost or need to get directions to a place and Google Glass is helping me, but I’m too busy figuring out when 5 km is coming up to turn right that I don’t notice I’m walking across the street when the cars have the right of way. Glass operations happen on the right hand corner of your vision. Which is good, because at least I would be able to see whats in front of me. But at the same time, I’ll be so distracted by whats going on with Google Glass that I might fall on my face.

So the Google Glass commercial (a definite must watch, below) is full of people sky diving, professionally ice skating, trapezeing, hot air ballooning… typical shit the average person does on a daily basis right? WRONG. Of course Google Glass is perfect for people who do this stuff! They can record how amazing their action packed, adventure filled, crazy, their lives are. For the rest of us, Google Glass might just be a reminder of how boring our lives are. Also, calling it now, we probably should remember that Glass is the child of Google – the advertising guru of the 21st century. I KNOW, that once this hits the market and its popularity is confirmed by consumers, ADS ADS ADS will infiltrate your vision on your Glass. Don’t you just see it now? Stores paying Google to be advertised on Glass… then you’re walking around, minding your own business, then Glass shows an ad, or directs you to a certain store? It’s going to happen. Wait and see. Calling. It. Right. Now. (This counts as me going on record, right?)


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