Clubbing with Stefon

Bill Hader has moved on to bigger and better things. Saturday Night Live will never be the same without Stefon. What I wouldn’t give to spend a Friday night at a Stefon  suggested NYC hotspot.

CREASE
Episode Date: April 24, 2010
If you’re looking for a good time, look no further: New York’s hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Tranny Oakley has gone all out, and inside it’s just everything: lights, psychos, Furbies, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sunburnt drifters with soapsuds beards…It’s that thing where a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.

WESH
Episode Date: April 24, 2010
New York’s hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old Tokyo pimp Ichiaku Guru is back with an all-new hot spot that answers the question What?!? This place has everything: trance, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powder, Teddy Graham people…It’s the thing, like when a guy has stumpy arms, but with the belly.

SLICE
Episode Date: May 15, 2010
If you want fun, then listen to this: New York’s hottest club is Slice. Club promoter Gay Liotta is back, and this time he’s gone crazy. Jump in and join a dance party where you’ll see twinks, gypsies, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a bodega, puppets in disguise…It’s that thing like when Alf wore a trench coat, so he could go out into public.

SLASH
Episode Date: May 15, 2010
New York’s hottest club is Slash. This place has everything: glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over, knock knock who’s there? It’s Black George Washington! All that, and a party room filled with human bathmats…It’s that thing like when midgets have dreadlocks and they lay faced down on the floor.

TASTE
Episode Date: May 15, 2010
New York’s hottest club is Taste. Nightlife designer Tranny Griffith is back with an all-new club that answers the question Huh?!? Don’t look for a bouncer – there isn’t one. Instead the door’s guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old-fashioned bathing suits. And inside it’s just sick: ice sculptures, winos, Germufs – German smurfs – a Teddy Ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady wearing Kid ‘N Play hair, and none other than DJ Baby Bok Choy…He’s a giant 300-pound Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and he spins records with his little ravioli hands.

OUNCE
Episode Date: December 11, 2010
New York’s hottest club is Ounce. Located in the middle of the East River, this place has everything: cholos, puke people, a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Vilanch, and an entire room of puppets doing karate…It’s that thing where someone calls Miss Piggy fat and she goes, “High ya!”

BLITZEN
Episode Date: December 11, 2010
New York’s hottest holiday club is Blitzen, and right now they’re having their 12 Days of Christmas dance party. It has everything: 12 jacked albinos, 11 Little Richards, 10 piercer babies, 9 Asian Balkis, 8 gay Aladdins, 7 psychos swearing, 6 Puerto Screechers, 5 homeless Elmos. 4 coked up frogs, 3 French hens, Taylor Negron, and a human parking cone…It’s that thing were two jacked midgets paint themselves orange and you have to parallel park between them.

BOOOOOOF
Episode Date: February 12, 2011
I have the perfect spot. New York’s hottest club is BOOOOOOOOOF. Located in an abandoned orphanage in the Lower East Side of Chelsea, this round-the-clock puke party is the creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozan Lucci, and this place has everything: pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones…and you’ll have your own When Harry Met Sally moment when you share a special kiss with Gizblow the Coked-Up Gremlin. I’ll have what she’s having.

UNNNNHHH
Episode Date: May 7, 2011
If you want your mom to have a day filled with fun, look no further. New York’s hottest club is UHHNNNH. Located in the middle of the West Side Highway, this bi-curious beach party is the creation of Italian club owner Bologna Danza, and this place has everything: split kicks, pachucos, pile after pile of expired Lunchables, a Hawaiian cleaning lady that looks like Smokey Robinson…and look who just walked in, is that Natalie Portman? No, it’s an old Irish black man that we call Murphy Brown. Plus, if you come this Sunday you’ll meet two-year-old ultimate fighter Drooly Lips Jackson. He’s got fists like little empanadas and he is my best friend.

HEYYY
Episode Date: December 10, 2011
If you’re looking to get festive with your family, I’ve got the perfect place for you. New York’s hottest club is Heyyyyyy! Built from the bucket list of a dying pervert, this Battery Park bitch parade is now managed by overweight game show host Fat Sajak. This place has everything: tweakers, skeevies, Spud Webb, a child, and a Russian guy who runs on the treadmill in a Cosby sweater. So come on down this weekend — the bouncer is a bulldog who looks like Wilford Brimley and the password is “diabeetus.”

BAAABANANN
Episode Date: December 10, 2011
If you’re ordinary or love salt, I’ve got just the spot for you. New York’s hottest holiday club is BAAAAAAA-BAANAM. Opened and condemned in 1904, this seasonal psycho ward is the creation of Hanukkah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer, and this place has everything: Kiwis, Spud Webb, Clio Awards, some guy’s mom, plus a special showing of the African holiday classic A Fish Called Kwanza. Look who just walked in — it’s a lady who works at CVS, but do not bother her because she is on break. And all the proceeds go to charity — flaccid outreach group Doctors Without Boners.

THANK YOU!
Episode Date: March 10, 2012
New York’s hottest club is Thank You! Located inside a crashing blimp, this euro trash utopia is a creation of beatnik doctor, Soulpatch Adams. And this place has everything: ziplines, fish food, that fat Hawaiian guy that no one invited, an old Pakistani woman that looks like a California raisin. And this weekend they’re having a tournament of everyones favorite trivia game: Shaun White or Bonnie Raitt. Look closely, the answer may surprise you.

…KEVIN?…
Episode Date: March 10, 2012
If you’re looking for madness, in March, I know just the spot. New York’s hottest club is ….KEVIN? Opened at gunpoint in a Lady Footlocker, this Long Island cold spot is managed by infamous gay running back, Blow J Simpson. And this place has everything: soda, purple stuff, Sunny D, a VIP room for football jellyfish. A football jellyfish is that thing when NFL players have the helmet but with the skinny dreds hanging out. So come on down, the bouncers a Greek boy who looks like Marv Albert, and the password is YESSSSS.

MAAARY
Episode Date: March 9, 2013
If it’s warm and you want to be outed, I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is Maaaary. Opened in 1997 by a missing Florida woman, Lisa Martinez, this club is currently going 99 miles per hour down the Westside Highway. This place has everything: charts, graphs, powerpoints, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you. And if you liked Russel Crowe in Les Miserables, you might want to hear Jasper the Gorilla pass a kidney stone. There’s even a password. The last sweet words of blues legend, Willie Walker: “MY WALLET?! YEEEEEAHH RIGHT!” 

YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE SEPARATING
Episode Date: March 9, 2013
New York’s hottest club is Your Mother and I are Separating. Don’t be fooled by the charred Red Lobster sign out front, this club is a burned down Red Lobster. It has everything: a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, those shoes that nurses wear. And you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare.

SELFIEEEEE
Episode Date: March 9, 2013
Safe and fun: If youre looking to get hurt or go completely insane, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is SELFIEE! Based on the novel Push by Sapphire, club promoter Joseph Gordon Fisherman opened the SoHo hotspot located in a haunted diaper. When it comes to Spring Break this place has everything: chutes, ladders, the outdoor concert to a Zoloft commercial, and if that’s not enough for you, you can hit the dance floor with a human fannypack. It’s that thing when a midget hangs around your waist and holds your passport in his mouth.

We’ll miss you Stefon!

If you’re really missing Bill Hader, check out this great interview of Hader on sketch comedy with NPR.
Or watch Hader’s last SNL stint, complete with Anderson Cooper, and all of Stefon’s friends, including Menorah the Explorer (“Can YOU say ‘Oy Vey’?!”)


I may or may not have cried after this.

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  1. Wow, this article is nice, my younger sister is analyzing these kinds of things, therefore I am going to convey her.

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