This month I had Popeyes chicken for the very first time, and I ain’t even sorry about it. Just one of the few things that made up my month of May.
Saturday Night Live:
This month SNL was at the top of its game: Kristen Wiig (and Gilly) came back and hosted, Kanye stirred the pot with “New Slaves”, Anderson Cooper almost marries Stefon and all of us thought to ourselves, “IS Xanax for gay summer weddings actually a thing? If so, I need some ASAP”. Also Ben Affleck, looking handsome as ever, clears the air about his “marriage is hard” shit. It was a good month, you amazing writers at SNL (also, please hire me). More important than the great sketches we rewatched on YouTube, etc., was the bittersweet departure of Bill Hader and Fred Armisen from the show. One thing is for sure, my Saturday nights will never be forever incomplete without a club review by Stefon.
This month we also pretended like we cared about basketball. My Bay Area comrades briefly got super amped and a lot jumped onto the Warriors bandwagon (also, girls found Steph Curry adorable, so there’s that) until they got eliminated by the Spurs in the Semis. I, however, stopped caring once the LA Clippers were out thanks to Memphis. But, I did enjoy the Bulls / Heat series. Possibly because I’m one of those anomalistic Joakim Noah fans (he has the potential to be an attractive dude, no?)… but also because when LeBron and Birdman are involved, I love nothing more than a WWF smackdown-esque confrontation to watch. Which is precisely what happened during the series. Also, Chris Bosh is incredibly entertaining to watch – especially when he’s not playing. Anyways, we all know the Heats going to win, so why bother watching?
You come home from McDonalds, you’re enjoying your Big Mac on your porch when you suddenly hear someone calling for help. You end up rescuing three missing and kidnapped girls. You become famous, your 911 call goes viral as does your TV interviews. You’re not a local celebrity. You are a hero and a viral internet meme. You don’t cash in on your newly found fandom… yet, and refuse to endorse more than 12 local burger places. McDonalds offers you free burgers for a year. You are Charles Ramsey… the most interesting man in Ohio.
Amanda Bynes / The End of Our Childhood:
I can’t say I ever got into The Amanda Show, but I do know that What A Girl Wants, She’s the Man, and What I Like About You, were all integral parts of my adolescence. Oh Amanda. She always played the quirky, silly, boyish chick that I thought was super cool. Especially in She’s the Man, where I not only swooned over Channing Tatum, but also admired how badass Bynes’ character is. Also, did anyone else feel like everytime Amanda Bynes was acting she was shouting or yelling? Like, girl, that CANNOT be your natural voice. Anyways, as the story goes with any child/adolescent star: the downward spiral is beginning/is happening/who knows? It’s terrifying. When Britney Spears had her downward spiral, see: head shaving, vagina flashing, I was young enough to know that that is not the lady you should grow up to be. Now, seeing Amanda Bynes, LiLo, etc. enter this rollercoaster of drug induced hell, you can’t help but to feel extremely sorry for them. Thus, you rervert to talking to them like they’re five year olds: Honey, where are your parents? Is someone taking care of you? No. do not throw that out the window. Sweetie, lets just calm down now. For the love of being able to still quote She’s the Man (the most quotable movie, in my humble opinion – forget Mean Girls), please sweet Baby Jesus, help Amanda Bynes out.
Met goes Punk:
What to say, what to say. First of all, VOGUE correspondents/interviewers should be poised and collected… not awkwardly transitioning, name dropping, etc. Maybe it was the mixture of the two, but Hilary Rhoda and Billy Norwich did NOT kill it. Rhoda was stunning (as usual, because when youre a tall ass, brunette model, how can you not be?), but f***ed it up a few times. Like when she asked Chole Sevigny if she ever had a punk phase – major DUH moment. Punk being the theme of the night, I lost count of how many times people mentioned the “Ramones” or “Sex Pistols” as their favorite punk band – Seriously? That’s the best you can think up? (Sidenote: Hailee Steinfeld – AVRIL LAVIGNE IS NOT PUNK. I REPEAT, AVRIL LAVIGNE IS NOT PUNK. Who are you? Go back to your child acting career and never open your mouth again) Also, I think I heard people mention the “CBGB Toilets” about 2308749238 times. While Kim K looked like a sofa cushion and simultaneously disgraced Riccardo Tisci, the Olsen sisters looked like they were drowning in their clothes and Nicole Richie wore TopShop and in my opinion looked like Hades from Disney’s Hercules, most people were on point, if not incredibly interesting and exciting with their attire. My favorites were Miley Cyrus in Marc Jacobs, SJP wearing everything and everyone – but dress by Giles Deacon, and January Jones in Chanel. Billy Norwich also cut off Vivinne Westwood while she was talking about her Bradley Manning photo/jewelry. SO RUDE Billy. It’s actually really embarrassing that that happened, and everyone part of production should seriously be ashamed.
Top Search Engine Terms For YOUCANKISSMYSASS.COM:
- “ballerina tea” – Had I known a single post would result in an outright advertisement for this shit (no pun intended), I wouldn’t have posted it. Oh well!
- “you know you went to notre dame high school for girls when” – …you just know ;]
- “there are a lot of unclassy people at my high school” – That’s what high school is, sweetie.
- “san francisco yuppies” – Are everywhere? You learn to love em.
- “sandy ‘day after tomorrow'” – It really was like the apocalypse. Minus Jake Gyllenhaal helping me.
- “shameful things about the world” – a Google search will never adequately answer this query.
- “i’m not on birth control you asshole!”- LOLWUT.
- “how many days till the great gatsby comes out on netflix” -A gadjillion! It was just released in theaters like a few weeks ago.
- “take revenge on men, objectify them” –OMG FEMEN, please do not infiltrate my site.
- “jon hamm’s basket” – no words for this one..
Other notable things that happened in May:
-Yahoo! Bought Tumblr for $1.1billion, prompting Marissa Mayer to release a message assuring Tumblr users that they will maintain status quo: we won’t fuck it up, we promise. Its awkward. It’s like watching your senile grandpa trying to use an iPhone you just bought him for Christmas for the first time, then realizing it was kind of a bad idea. We get it Yahoo!, you want to be young and hip, but Tumblr… may be out of your league.
–Prancercising sweeps the nation: Hotter than the Harlem Shake, more domesticated than the average housewife. Jane Fonda needs to be in this.
What we can look forward to in June:
-Apple: How will the end up faring in the eBook trial? More importantly, Apple is rumored to release it’s streaming music service (partnered with Warner Music), iRadio, on June 10th at the Worldwide Developers Conference. Will it live up to Spotify / Pandora? Doubt it.
-June 21st is officially Summer. As if I haven’t already felt the intolerable heat and humidity here already. I hate you people who look at me and just say, “It’s just gonna get worse”. THANKS.