Alter Egos I Have Assumed At Bars

The best part about bars, besides the alcohol (and the occasional cheesepuffs), is meeting new people. Maybe you might get their numbers, keep in touch, possibly date. But for the most part, a majority of people you meet in bars you will never see again. In fact, you or they, might even forget you met. I love to take full advantage of this aspect of meeting people at bars, and have found out that I have a serious problem. That being, I compulsively lie to most guys (that I know I will never see again) about who I am. Here’s a few alter egos my bar frequenting self has created:

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The Art Student:
While out in Bushwick one night I happened to be carrying a Rhode Island School of Design totebag.  I bought it while touring the school and was in a period in my life where I was extremely ambitious about a career in art. A guy approached me and asked if I went to RISD. Yes, I did! In fact. I just graduated in May! I majored in Architecture and am now hoping to find a job in NYC (practical right?). Oh you paint? I paint a lot in my free time too! I can’t do portraits but I like surrealist and abstract paintings.

The Groupie Chick:
In the Lower East Side some Indie band came on. I told the guy who had bought me a drink that I loved this band! He did too. We proceeded to talk about our favorite albums / / best songs from them. One time I met the lead singer. I’d told him, which was entirely false. The closest I got to the lead singer was at his bands concert where I was a few people away from the front row. He totally believed me, as I was pretty convincing and even went as far as to say, “he’s kind of an asshole in person”. He said he could totally see that.

The Lesbian Chick:
I tend to bring these situations upon myself. Probably because when beer and watching sports get involved, I tend to get very… if not, overly… aggressive. During the Superbowl I was at some San Francisco bar in the Murray Hill area. By half time I’d gotten pretty into the game and was oblivious to the fact that girls had bought me drinks, and asked for my number. I found myself drinking a Bud heavy, arguing with the guys around us, and being particularly animated towards the television showing the game (don’t get me started about the blackout – at the stadium, I mean). Guys had also presumed by butch-iness and kept buying me Bud heavys. My friend asked the Australian guys that had posted at the bar next to us if they’d thought I was acting like a (stereotypical) butch-lesbian. He looked me up and down. “Maybe if you take off your jean jacket…?” The verdict was in. [Note: I have nothing against lesbians, or butch lesbians. Girls run the world!]

The Silicon Valley Chick:
Now this isn’t far from the truth. I commonly pull the “I’m From the Bay Area – I’m Instantly Cooler Than You!” card out a lot when talking to people at bars. However, there have been times where I’ve exaggerated my Silicon Valley / Bay Area-ness. Yeah I always used to see Steve Jobs around since he lives in my neighborhood. False. Steve Jobs lived in my city/hood, but never did I ever see him around. Yeah, like Google and Facebook are basically in my backyard. False. I mean, if you mean backyard in the loosest sense possible.

Super Aggressive Chick:
This was more of an attempt to get this dude off my back / mess around with how drunk he was (this is one of the top 5 things I like to do at bars). Also, he opened with a pickup line, “Hey, looks like you workout. Have I seen you at my gym?” No, you havent, sorry. The aggressive pursuer bought me a drink and sat around to learn that I played a lot of intramural sports in college and my favorite was basketball since I could be super aggressive. “Do you still play sports now?” He asked. Not really, I tore my ACL (lies), so I haven’t really gotten back into basketball again. I want to though! Meantime I’ve taken up roller derby for fun! It’s a lot of fun! My derby name is “MADDOG”. I love pushing people, I just get scared I’ll get my teeth knocked out but what can you do, right?

The Ghetto Asian Chick:
I assume this alter ego more than I should, really (sometimes even sober). “You did NOT just buy me a drink! Who the f*** do you think I am?! I’m an independent WOman! I can pay for my own drinks!” I usually only let this alter ego make an appearance if the person I’m talking to is an extremely cocky or full of themselves… because otherwise, I would NEVER turn down a free drink (make a mental note of that boys)! Think Lucy Liu in that episode of Sex and the City where she goes back to her Queens bred roots. A lot of hand talking, finger pointing/waving, and head shaking.

Or Lucy Liu in Kill Bill…. TOTALLY KIDDING

 

Serious question: What alter egos does your inebriated self take on? Fill out the anonymous box below”

OR email youcankissmysass@gmail.com

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