Go Home Cosmo, Youre Drunk!: Cosmo’s Advice On ‘How To Flirt’ (Hint: Don’t.)

How to Flirt Like Crazy

We already know you know how to flirt. But these tips will turn your seductive ways up a notch and could cause anyone from your long-term BF to the pizza delivery guy to do whatever you say.

What COSMO really means here is “How To Flirt Like A Crazy”. Also, I don’t want the pizza man to do whatever I say. He’s a pizza man for goddsakes, his job already probably sucks. 

Check out a cutie on the subway for two seconds, look away, then glance back at him through lowered lashes.
When you move to NYC the first thing people tell you is, “DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE ON THE SUBWAY!” (They tell you this right before the second rule of living in NYC: completely ignore cross walks and traffic lights – they’re irrelevant). But seriously Cosmo? This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Sitting in a room full of guys? Turn sideways in your chair, cross your legs, arch your back, and run your fingers through your hair.
This sounds uncomfortable in every way. Maybe its because I don’t cross my legs like a “lady”.

“Trip,” fall against a man’s chest, and say “Damn, your pecs are so hard, I felt like I was falling into a wall.”
Oh god. Pretend tripping is enough. E-nough. Your cheese factor already broke the cheese radar. But that line after? You actually should walk into a wall if you ever use it.

Get the indie-music guy hanging near the jukebox to help you pick out a song.
NO! Juke boxes in bars are my favorite thing and I refuse to let anyone HELP me pick out a song. MY PICK. Get out of town indie music guy. Also, what does an indie music guy look like?

Go home Cosmo, you’re drunk.

Ask the motorcycle dude next to you to tell the story behind his awesome tattoo.
How will I know he’s the motorcycle dude? Isn’t that stereotypical? A motorcycle does not imply a tattoo… an awesome tattoo at that.

Recruit a hot stranger to do a karaoke duet with you because you have a feeling he’s a “crowd pleaser.”
God I hope any woman out there who does this fails miserably. And humiliates themselves.

Comment on a guy’s outfit with something like “It takes a lot of balls for a man to wear pink — I’m into that.”
The “a lot of balls” part? Or the pink part? Either way… you have issues.

Walk up to that Taylor Lautner look-alike standing alone at a party, give him a playful smile, and say, “I heard there would be tons of cute guys here. So far, I’ve only seen one.”
I don’t think Taylor Lautner is cute. Try again Cosmo.

Hit up a sports bar, and ask the guy sitting beside you what his favorite team is so you’ll “know who to root for.”
BULLSHIT. I HAVE MY OWN TEAMS TO ROOT FOR AND DONT NEED A MAN TO TELL ME WHO TO ROOT FOR. GO HOME COSMO YOURE DRUNK!

Ask the hot Best Buy salesman to help you pick the perfect birthday present for your guy friend since he’s a “sexy tech genius, like you.”
Why don’t you just date your guy friend who’s a “sexy tech genius”?

Tell the guy running on the treadmill at the gym how impressed you are by his grueling workout.
Never compliment a guy working out. It will go straight to their head… or their testosterone filled muscles. Do not feed a meat head’s ego.

Step off the dance floor and quickly adjust one of your thigh-high stockings. Uh-oh, did that hottie sitting a few feet away catch you?
Who wears thigh high stockings anymore? If this is you, you may have a lot more to reevaluate than How To Flirt.

Gift him with a pair of silk boxers to pamper his package since it’s been working “extra hard” lately.
Wait. Are we still flirting?

Use your tongue to get that last crumb off your lips while eating dinner with him.
And then tell him you’re a cannibal.

Text him a PG-13 pic showing you naked from your armpits up with a message that reads “You can see the rest tonight.”
Armpits is the least flirty word ever. Again, GO HOME COSMO, YOURE DRUNK!

Ask him to lift that bulky box off the top shelf because “I need a big, strong man for this.”
Bitch, do your own heavy lifting.

Sit in the kitchen and watch him make his famous five-alarm-fire chili because it’s “better than anything on the Food Network.”
Okay, this I can deal with.

Study his face, and remark on how much he looks like [insert hot male celeb he kindasorta resembles here].
You look like Woody Allen. That’s a compliment, right?

Grab his ass on your way into a restaurant.
Or don’t.

Wear a very short skirt, and let him follow you up a long flight of stairs.
And flash everybody! That seems like a great way to flirt with the whole world!

Anyways, thanks but no thanks Cosmo. I can figure out how to flirt by myself. I think the female and male gender for that matter is better off without you.

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