I’ve had it with flower head bands. For that matter, I’ve had it with chicks dressing like hippies for music festivals. In fact, I’m over joyed music festival season is over. There’s only so many cut offs, crop tops, head bands, ray bans, aviators that I can handle in a year. That quota is up, motherfuckers. Don’t get me wrong… I LOVE music festivals just as much as the next person. How could you not? Fantastic friends, drugs, booze, the great outdoors, and oh right… music. Sometimes, between getting sloshed, meeting up with your fifty million friends from high school and buddies from college, you forget youre actually there to watch fantastic music artists play. This weekend was the third Outside Lands festival I’ve been to and it was nothing short of fantastic. Aside from seeing the great Sir Paul McCartney, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and other amazing music artists, I must say I had a superb time pointing out all of the terrible festival fashion don’ts (Check out my blogpost on Music Festival Do’s and Dont’s).
Step away from the scissors. Its like a cool thing to take up a shirt and cut it up until, well.. there is no shirt. or to FRINGE the f**k out of it. Fringe pants, fringe shirts, fringe dresses, fringe bras / swim suits. You fringe freaks need to chill. Y’all look like your ass just got spit up by a paper shredder. Aside from fringe fanaticism is the whole idea that its totally okay to cut off half of your shirt to let your un-toned belly hang out (calling you men out too, not all of you guys have the abs you think you do). I’m not against fat people, just, people should be more aware of their bodies and what they can and cannot pull off. Like, a crop top is probably not a good idea if youre already cup caking out of your too short shorts.
Dressing for your body type. Back to the crop tops and short shorts… sometimes if youre not a size 0 you should re evaluate this decision. Again, I have nothing against size 4s and size 6s or size 8s, etc. but ladies, you need to realize what youre wearing and what you actually look like. 20 years from now do you want to look at your pictures from Coachella and see your stomach hanging over your cut off’s zippers and your cellulite thighs dominating most of the picture frame? I didn’t think so. This also applies to you skinny minnies… wearing oversized clothes and shirts hanging off your shoulders. I get youre going for the Mary-Kate/Ashley look, but you look sickly and quite frankly it looks like your oversized sweater is eating you alive.
Bodysuits / leggings. Awesome. But beware of cameltoe. That, my friends, is not a good look.
I hate headdresses / head accessories. What about a music festival makes you think you should put on a Native American feathered headdress? Are you Native Americans? Have Native Americans some how proliferated the music world and are inspiring music go-ers everywhere? No. It’s kind of racist – mocking Native American outfits and accessories (don’t get me started on my dislike for tribal print), moreover, you’re essentially disgracing the outfit by getting stoned and drinking in it. Leave the Indians alone. Also, have you ever realized how annoying it is to be standing/sitting behind you watching a band play? Annoying as f**k. If you thought flower head bands were any cuter / better, they’re up there and equally annoying. I get that you’re looking at old pictures from Woodstock and trying to channel that flower princess hippy thing, but don’t. Everyone’s doing it so do yourself a favor and do something different. Only Lana Del Rey can pull off the floral headband thing.
Check the weather. Coachella youre in the desert, so obviously less is more so long as its comfortable. This weekend at Outside Lands girls (and guys) were dressed as if we were going to Southern California for the weekend. San Francisco is notorious for its year round foggy weather, and at night the temperature drops what feels like 30 degrees. I was torn between crying for and laughing at chicks who opted to wear bikini tops and high waisted shorts for the whole day and not much else. I hope you drank enough to keep warm all night, my dear. As my sister would say RE: Outside Lands attire, “The only man I’m dressing for is @KarlTheFog“.
The Male Opinion
Anyways, a question I’ve always wondered is whether guys actually find any of these music festival fashions attractive. So I asked around, and majority of the response I got was along the lines of, we like what we see. One guy said, “Less is more when it comes to festivals. Be dressed to dance your ass off“ (Male, straight, 28) , and another said, “My male opinion is that the less clothing the more awesome. I also lived for the bare midriff when i was in middle school. In conclusion, i have no idea what i’m talking about” (Male, straight, 25)… Which is fair enough beause to be quite frank, I think that no girl has any idea what theyre putting on and no guy really has any idea of what to think about it.
However, a few guys had a lot to say about the topic of music festival fashion. My buddy who frequents music festivals, like Ultra, Governors Ball, etc. hangs with his best friends, gets stoned and loves to people watch “festival fashion is perfect for that”. Here’s what he had to say (Male, straight, 25):
On hula hoops:
“Over it the second time I saw it. But still, props.” (not sure if he was giving props to hula hoopers out there, or he is a proponent of props)
On flower headbands:
“Usually a yay, when the girl wearing one is sincere in wanting to wear flowers on her head all day/weekend long. These girls are usually fun to smoke with at the next set. The only nay on flower headband is the easy to impersonate a hipster factor. Live it up for the weekend, dirty ironically fake hipster.”
On color choices:
“Things I love: USA anything and everything. If you’re wearing anything stars and stripes, you’re getting a high-five passing by. I think we could all be alright with a little less neon. Let the show have neon and crazy lights. All you need is just a touch of neon.”
On slutty outfits:
“Here’s my biggest conundrum. I’m a dude. I love boobs and great tushy. But I’m not a pig, so when a girl has her tits hanging out with only material over the nipples, I weep for her parents.”
On EDM fairies:
“I just, no. Not on board.”
Very valid points, however, one guy expressed my thoughts exactly on music festival fashion:
First of all: I don’t know why you’d need a special attire or outfit for festivals and why it has to be so retro (70’s hippie). Is it just to get attention? Or blend in with everyone else? Is it to give off the fake impression that you actually care about the music? and the girls who dress up in the aforementioned attire are usually hooked on social medias such as twitter, facebook and instagram (with all those fucking filters). Personally hate special outfits for occasions such as festivals. There is just no god damn need for it. Put on something comfy, practical, and suited to the weather. You’ll most likely be dirty/sweaty/drunk/high/soaked anyway, and you’re there for the bands. Bare midriffs.. you might as well put a stamp on your stomach saying either “fuck me” or “I’m trying to outdo all you other girls”. Also: you’re not on Woodstock listening to jimi hendrix or part of a movement, so skip the fucking flowers and hippie attire.
-Male, straight, 22
This very well may be the male version of myself, considering I have these same, exact questions and thoughts (but alas, it’s not). Are girls dressing this way to get attention or to blend in? That’s the big question. Either way, its intensely unoriginal, possibly unattractive, and incredible unnecessary. I will bet majority of girls dress up just for the sake of posting an Instagram picture or updating your profile picture. Get at me if I’m wrong. Don’t get it twisted though, I love social media websites to the MAX, and post regularly, however, dressing to look cute in pictures while remaining incredibly uncomfortable, cold, etc for the rest of the day/night is a DUMB idea. Another dumb idea? Buying outfits/clothes just for the occasion. As this dude said, its all about being practical.
So the verdicts still out on how men feel about female festival attire, but from my vantage point ladies, we may want to dress more like we’re ready to have a good time and less like we are a good time.