If you know anything about me, or if you’ve been reading YouCanKissMySass for awhile now, then you know I’m not fond of little people. To clarify: I’m not a hater – I’m actually very good with kids and might want some of my own maybe possibly one day – I just would prefer not to be around them as they make me feel uncomfortable sometimes. For you newbs, just check out Children Are No Different Than 20-Somethings (this post is considered part II) and Thankful Thursday: Birth Control to educate yourself. Anyways, I’m taking my angst out on the littlest of people… babies. Hopefully this can explain why the insult “stop acting like an infant!” can sometimes hit too close to home.
Babies are super selfish.
Everyone knows how selfish millennial’s are apparently (I have no idea why mainstream media thinks this…). So just switch ‘Babies’ for ‘Millenials’ and kah-blam, true statement. Enough said about that. I first realized how selfish babies can be when I was on a flight and there was a baby behind me. Fine. I could listen to music. BUT NO, it’s baby chair / car seat had to be installed against my seat so not only was I unable to recline, but I was pushed forward so my chair was essentially at a 45 degree angle. Fantastically comfortable 5 hour flight. Looking back at it through the space between my seat and the one next to mine I said, baby, you are so selfish. Who else cries in the middle of the night and makes you get them food and hold them? What other type of human being needs that kind of attention? Maybe your ex boyfriend who comes home drunk and asks you to make them a sandwich and them put their big ass into bed does… in that case, he too needs to grow the f**k up. But seriously, think about the amount of time you have to dedicate to a baby. I don’t think about it, but it’s probably A LOT. I like to think I was probably an unselfish baby that was chill and easy going and didn’t cry and was all like, carry about your business everyone, don’t let me get in the way. If only. Majority of little humans are literally screaming, TAKE CARE OF ME NOW TAKE CARE OF ME NOW MEEEE MEEE PAY ATTENTION HOLD ME FEED ME MEEEEEEMEEEMEEE… in essence. Which brings me to my next point:
They can’t communicate.
I’ve seen frustrated parents with their babies when they’re crying. They basically empty the diaper bag trying to figure out what they want. A bottle? A teat? Food? A new diaper? WHAT DO YOU WANT?! TELL ME! But little babies can’t talk, so they can’t tell you. I like to know what people are trying to say and what they’re thinking. I’m one of those asshole chicks that’s always like, What are you thinking right now? Tell me. And then get thoroughly disappointed when the answer from a male counterpart is something like “cheeseburger” or “the game” instead of “Oh I was just thinking about what a beautiful female specimen you are”. Oh ladies, you know you do and think the same. Likewise, plenty of guys have told me how frustrating it is when females play head games and do that “passive aggressive sh*t”… leaving them scratching their heads in complete frustration thinking What is she thinking?! We know we’re guilty as charged. It’s annoying right? Not knowing what someone’s trying to tell you, or what they’re really saying. Babies do this same manipulative thing… except they don’t even use words. So frustrated mommies and daddies are left looking at their alien miniature versions of themselves, furrowing their eyebrows and saying, WHAT DOO YOU WANT! In this case, you can’t even demand that they “use their words”.
Babies grow so f***ing fast its ridiculous. You’re buying them new clothes every two weeks. Sure, they’re miniature pieces of cloth, but who else can say they can buy a brand spanking new outfit every few weeks? If you answered, well, me of course! you should probably better use your money for like, a hobby or something. Or give it away. Or use it to buy a life because who has that kind of money and don’t you have better things to spend it on? Anyways, babies are a serious financial investment. In my high school section of AP Economics, our final project was to budget out the rest of your life (intimidating right? talk about a slap to the face in your senior year of high school when you realize mommy and daddy aren’t going to take care of you into your mid thirties). I remember stressing out hard because it was so hard to find a livable apartment, with a starting level salary while paying cable service and taking care of three dogs, because why not (I probably had to edit out the three dogs from my budget – they probably were the first to go right after the swimming pool I wanted in my “starter house”). What I’m getting at is, no one ever has a baby in their budget. Which isn’t a good idea because they are seriously expensive motherf***ers. The never ending buying of clothes because their baby bodies keep growing, the food, the toys, the baby safed furniture/housing appliances, carseats, blah blah blah. On the flipside though, babies get into places for free A LOT. Not that it matters though, I guess. Like, your baby got into The Avengers for free, but did it really enjoy it like I did? Didn’t think so.
Babies can’t do anything on their own. The only reason people get so f***ing excited about a baby taking its first clumsy steps (Oh god can we talk about how weird babies/toddlers look when they walk? Its a trainwreck you can’t stop watching and why do I always have to be the arsehole who gets scowled at because she’s laughing – you know you think it’s funny too), is because the parents are like, PRAISE THE LORD I DON’T HAVE TO CARRY YOUR BIG ASS ANYMORE. NO MORE DEADWEIGHT ON ME. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY WE ARE FREE AT LAST! Along the same lines, babies can’t even feed themselves and like, get up and make themselves a decent meal. But then again, neither can a full grown man – so there’s that. Nothing irks me more than a full grown adult (yes twenty-somethings, that means you), or even teenagers who can’t do a damn thing on their own. They need their dads to come and do everything for them, or their mom to cook and clean for them (totally sexist by the way, right?). The struggle is real… and pathetic. I’ve dated plenty of guys who do not cook or clean or do laundry for themselves. Girls are just as bad. Ladies, it will not kill you to do some heavy lifting once in awhile. Youre not as dainty and frail as you think you are.
So babies, young adults and adults alike: I think it’s high time we ask ourselves the very serious question…
WHEN ARE WE ALL GOING TO GROW UP!?
Whatever, I know I was once a baby, and so were you… or maybe you still are.
*please note the sarcastic nature this is written in. I am not a baby hater, baby shaker, baby maker or anything of the sort.