What To Not Eat On A Date

I was skimming the web for Internet clips having to do with my main man, Anthony Bourdain (#silverfox). To be honest, I really wanted to see his latest reaction to Paula Deen, and also if he was going to be attending Eddie Huang’s Fresh Off The Boat Season 2 premiere party next week (which y’all should check out because its as solid as the Governators abs) because I wouldn’t mind kicking back a few beers with him. Anyways, I came across this one article where Tony talks about his picks for the sexiest foods. Oh Tony, Tony, Tony… I’d still let him take me out for any of these foods anytime.

Tony’s Sexiest Foods (and Why They’re Turn-Ons)

They’re beautiful objects with so much flavor and juice. Damn sexy.

The Italians have it exactly right: a big family-style, eat-when-it’s-ready meal.

Because eating with your hands is incredibly sensual.

A woman eating fish eggs? Oh my god, sexy.

I’m not saying eating barbecue is the way to achieve world peace, but it won’t hurt.

A simmering red sauce and hunk of meat: smells, sounds, and tastes good cooking.

Animal protein is a beautiful thing.

Current obsession: raw beef with uni (sea urchin), served on a shiso leaf.

Anthony Bourdain guzzling wine while cooking: Lady Porn [via tumblr]
Fantastic, right? For a man who is deeply sensual when it comes to food, I get it. However, as his biggest fan probably, I gotta say, my man Tony may not be going for the most practical foods. Yeah peaches, pasta, ragu, and korean-american food are pretty easy foods to eat on a date, but the others? I beg to differ. As great as lobster and BBQ is, I’d rather not be marinating my hands and fingers in BBQ sauce or seafood smell. The least sexy thing is to have your date say something along the lines of, “hey hun, you have some BBQ sauce on your chin… and your cheek… and your lip, and your nose?” Please no. As for caviar – unless youre trying to be a bougie douche, skip it, I’d rather eat 5 orders of pommes frites with 2 milkshakes (just kidding, I don’t think I could) than fish eggs if I’m on a date. Lastly, steak. It is indeed a beautiful thing, Tony. The idea of a carnivorous being ripping into animal flesh with a fork and knife is indeed, a turn on. You do, however, risk being judged for how fast you devour your steak.

Tony made me think, what other foods should people avoid on first / second / third dates? Well, there’s a lot of them, actually:

No one appreciates fresh seafood more than I do. Trust. Seafood places like The Boil (in LES, NYC), serve up the goods in the most perfect way possible. Perfect for your pallet, not so much for your date (and outfit). As soon as you walk in, the fish smell immediately permeates your nostrils, and your skin, thus forever sticking to you for an hour or two after you leave. After ordering your bag of your chosen shellfish and subsequent seasoning that is served in a large plastic bag, you’re given shell crackers, latex gloves, and a bib. Cute date attire? Hardly. Wait until you get your food and start crackin’. It’s finger lickin’ good, trust me, just not ideal if you’re trying to look all cute on a date.

A bag of shellfish marinated in butter and garlic. Try to be sexier after that. I dare you. #garlicbreath
A bag of shellfish marinated in butter and garlic. Try to be sexier after that. I dare you. #garlicbreath

Do you know how unattractive you are when you have corn stuck in your teeth? You don’t want to be that person who has to floss in the bathroom. #tacky

Wait, we’re still talking about being on a date, right? Unless you’ve reached the point of “I’m laying on your couch watching the game and just ordered Atomic wings on Seamless” in your relationship, wings are a no-go, guys (and girls too, I guess). Oh it’s so good, finger lickin’ good, but not okay. In fact, anything you need multiple napkins for / lick your fingers clean for (you know, like Cheetos), are a no-go on date night.

You’re boring as f*&%. You probably have a boring life and have boring sex. If something were to scream, I’M BORING! It’d be vanilla ice cream. Absolutely.

Sushi dates seem to be a trend. Who ever said using two things of wood while trying to stuff chunks of rice and fish into your mouth (that inevitably fall apart) was cute?? Let’s be real, when you order sushi to go or are eating sushi in the comfort of your own home, you use your hands. Admit it. I’m not judging. However, when you’re at a sushi bar with a potential mate, you try to look as collected as possible. In reality, you use those chopsticks to shovel your deconstructed sushi into your mouth. Sexy.

Like, I’m not talking about the extra Sriracha sauce squeezed onto whatever you’re eating. Everyone needs a little spice in their life. But remember that episode in Sex and the City when Carrie’s dating The Politician (AKA: John Slatterly) and she’s eating spicy ethnic food? Its a fiasco. 1) No one looks cute sweating out their pores while attempting to battle the crazy spicy curry chicken. No one. 2) Spicy = water. You’ll have the bladder the size of a pea by the end of the night. It’s irritating. 3) You’ll probably go home alone. Your stomach will either be irritated or you just sweat through your clothes so there’s that, or your date will be the one with indigestion. Either way, stay clear.

Girls, I get it, youre trying to lose weight. But if a guy’s forking over some dinero to take you out to dinner, don’t order a motherf*%#ing salad. Who are you? Guys, this is extremely pertinent to you too. If you order a salad and I order an actual entree, I’m finishing my meal and walking out of that date. You’re either vain or watching your figure (what guys do that? just work out / bulk up!) – which is a problem because… well, it just is. “Babe, try some of this iceberg lettuce. It’s so gooood.” In both instances, there’s a fine line between taking care of your body and eating like an actual bird.

You know what? Who cares. Eat whatever your heart desires. 
Life’s short. #YOLO


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