Each morning, he would ask, “Honey, how long you have been awake?”
“About 15 minutes,” I’d reply.
“You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?”
Last week, one morning I had the pleasure of enjoying a leisurely extra few hours in bed and ended up watching the TODAY show. One of the guests of the morning, was a writer for the New York Post and set out on the endeavor to make 300 sandwiches. Why? After reaching sandwich #300, her boyfriend would eventually propose to her. *raises one eyebrow, puts one hand akimbo, turns on asian ghetto girl* First problem here (and not at all important): To be quite frank, the girl is gorgeous, a 10, probably… her boyfriend, on the other hand, is a subpar 4 or so. But hey, looks aren’t all that, right? Second problem: A chick ain’t gotta do ANYTHING to get proposed to. I don’t care what it is. He should propose on the very fact that he loves her, not that he loves she’ll make him sandwiches…. and third problem: SANDWICHES? For fuckssake, are we trying to perpetuate binary (negative, at that) gender stereotypes? If I had a nickel every time a man told me, “Bitch, go make me a sandwich”. I would surely be a rich motherf*^#$@. Just kidding, guys know better than that than to say that to ME.
“Honey, you’re 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!”
Maybe I needed to show him I could cook to prove that I am wife material. If he wanted 300 sandwiches, I’d give him 300 sandwiches…
But honestly, you see what’s wrong with this picture (I hope), right? “One NYC gal is on her way to marital bliss thanks to the 300 sandwiches she’s making her man”, is one headline of a particularly nauseating article. Gag. Barf. Self-induced vom. I get that she’s not trying to piss feminists off everywhere, and in effect is actually just trying to have fun and win over the man of her dreams! However, I see so much wrong with this. To start, a female/male shouldn’t have to do ANYTHING to PROVE his/her love to another. I get the ride or die bitches out there who literally will do anything, but in the case that love is involved, proving yourself should not be a factor. You can and should SHOW your love to your significant other, but proving it? You probably need to re-think your shit. Another unnerving part about this situation is, sandwiches?! REALLY? I’m not going to spew hate for this woman, or tell you that she’s setting feminism back 50 years, but come the f*#% on. Sandwiches?! It’s like you’re asking to be judged. The biggest part that is unsettling to me is the fact that marriage has become the ultimate life goal of women. The wording of that aforementioned article, like many others, gives off the idea that all women care about is marriage. WE’LL DO ANYTHING FOR MARRIAGE! EVEN MAKE YOU 300 SANDWICHES YOU LAZY F*#^. God, no. Call me young, call me naieve, call me bitter, call me a bitch, but marriage should happen because it simply falls into place and feels right. Not because you made him 300 sandwiches and he’ll finally propose then! Not even that, but marriage shouldn’t even be based off of what a woman, or man, can or cannot provide, that being the ultimatum. Who’s at fault here? Typically we like to blame men – for picking out the women who seem to be the best homemakers, who can amply provide and maintain a household, etc. Which is fair enough. But it doesn’t get us ladies off the hook. Are you really going to take that? Be sought after and snatched up on the sole purpose that goddamn your carrot cake is delicious, and you’ll do the dishes too, right? No. That would be settling. Women, ladies, my sisters, HOLLA – we have a lot more to offer than that. In today’s day and age, the idea of a career driven women is increasingly taking over our society – as it should. The onus is on all of us. Men should look for more in a woman beyond their inherent “wife material”, and ladies – stop perpetuating this and realize you have more going for you than that. There’s life beyond assembling sandwiches for your man and being a soccer mom. You can have your motherfucking cake and eat it too. (DISCLAIMER: Nothing is wrong with soccer moms, or home makers or stay at home moms. At all. There’s just another angle to look at your womanhood.) Does it mean you drop everything you’re doing to land the finger on your ring? HELL. NO. Getting married happens, it shouldn’t be your ultimate goal.
Shortly after this TODAY show segment, they cut to commercial, and next out was my old bosslady, Martha Stewart. Having worked in her company and just overall being a fan of her overall fantastic bitchiness (although note: I will never be a Martha Stewart girl as hard as I may try – crafts, baking, and decorating just don’t do it for me), I was ecstatic to see her segment on the show. Maybe it would make my stomach feel better after watching the nauseating segment with the #300 Sandwich lady. And it did. It was a stark contrast, in fact. Just minutes ago I my stomach was literally churning after watching a beautiful, writer, woman dote on her boyfriend and tell her story about how she would endeavour to make him 300 different sandwiches because then he would propose to her but oh we love each other anyways! Right. I wondered what the latest thing she did for herself was. (I also day dreamt that this story could be turned into a win for feminists in that it would be uncovered that this woman, the New York Post writer, was documenting her journey to only uncover how much it sucked succumbing to the pre-marital, honey-mooney, I’d do anything for you including make you fucking sandwiches, bliss. Her career would be launched into fame, and she would be the greatest investigative journalists that the feminists had ever seen. But alas, it was all a dream). And now was looking at a self-made, Martha Stewart, who cooks, bakes, crafts, decorates, writes and is a badass like it’s her job. In contrast, Stewart, who was a beautiful model back in her heydey (although I must say, at 70+ years old, she’s still got it going on), ditched the men and left behind an ex-husband to further her career and become arguably the strongest woman in America. I idolize her, for what she’s done, how she’s bettered herself – including the prison stint, and how shes just an overall no-nonsense person. She’ll make a sandwich because goddammit she wants a sandwich, and not because she wants your approval.
Martha Stewart would NEVER make a man 300 sandwiches to win his love.