Sure, it’s not No-Shave November yet, but it’s October, which means the Playoff Beard is in full swing right now. Who knew fans would go nuts for facial hair? Before I get to the Top 6 Beards of October, I sat down and talked to the INCREDIBEARD, (you know, that guy who made his beard into a bowl and ate Ramen out of it) to talk beards, boobs, and barhopping. Read up, ladies and gents!
YOUCANKISSMYSASS: What’s your overall philosophy on beards?INCREDIBEARD: Bearding is not a belief, it’s a fact. It’s not something you ponder or consider, it’s something that happens regardless of your desires or beliefs. The truth of bearding is science! There is no philosophy on beards, because bearding is not a choice. Some poor souls cut their faces in the attempt to prevent the beard, but each time it comes back stronger. This is the resilience of our facial friend. If you have been chosen by the beard, there is little you can do but embrace it. Why not join the revolution? Just let go and let it grow!True story. I have friends who lust after bearded men and friends that simply will not date a guy with a beard. Say a girl says a beard is a dating dealbreaker, your response?I laugh and walk away. To a real woman, a dating deal breaker would be having no beard. A true man is secure enough in his masculinity (aka beard) to not bow to the pressure of his desire for boobs. It’s a simple equation I came up with a while back: Beards > Boobs > Anything Else
Ladies, you heard it here first. A man WILL NOT shave his furry friend for you. Get over yourself, or get over him.Beards are all the rage as of late, can every man pull off a beard? What does it take? Any advice to men growing theirs out?
The unfortunate truth is, not every man can pull off a beard. It takes the right genetics and hair care to have a really great beard. My greatest advice is this: a true beard is not on your face, but in your heart. Your face is just a manifestation of what is in your heart… mixed with A LOT of genetic factors. Stay strong and support your bearded brothers.After a drunken night of barhopping I woke up one morning to a severely red, dry, scratched and painful face – particularly around my mouth and neck. From a dude’s beard. Do you or your wife know any cure-alls / solutions to beard-on-sensitive-skin ailments for the beard lovers out there?Sounds like you encountered the 1/2″ beard. The easiest cure for short beard chaffing is to grow the beard out (btw this chaffing happens anywhere the beard travels to… anywhere). Beards 1.5″ or longer become rather soft and supple and will no longer create that scratching raw surface on your skin. So I suggest having your man grow his beard out, or if you’re on the hunt for a guy, look for one with a longer beard. In a pinch, lotion (or Aloe Vera) and make-up are really your only options post-facto. Otherwise you could attempt to refrain from “aggressive kissing”… though I imagine that becomes much more difficult the further you get into a night of barhopping.
Best fan-mail/crazy inappropriate things women/people have said about your beard?
Here’s an example of the most inappropriate comment from a woman: “You just made me wet.” See, it’s fairly tame. Now, usually I get, “will you marry me”, “you’re so hot”, “my panties just dropped”, or “there go my pants”. All-in-all, tame, and funny. However, I also receive a LOT of homosexual comments that are much more descriptive and pictorial. For example: “I just want to cum all over your beard and bathe in it” or “That’s a hole [referencing a circle in my beard design] I would love to be in.” See the difference?
And now, I present to you YCKMS’s 6 Epic Beards of October:
6) JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
The Coen brothers’ new film Inside Llewyn Davis released two new trailers which include Justin Timberlake all scruffed up. And we’re totally okay with it.
5) JASON MOTTE – Pitcher (STL)
This beard is fantastic. Do you see how thick full of life that thing is?
My voice temporarily drops an octave every time I look at it. Jason Motte’s beard can cut down trees and jump start 18-wheelers. Ladies who brush up against it, even by happenstance, will menstruate on the spot. Jason Motte’s beard is one of the last remaining members of the Bull Moose Party, and is the sheriff of this God-damned town. It can drink a bear under the table, and once bare-knuckle boxed with Sasquatch. Jason Motte’s beard will take you to the Promised Land. Just grab a whisker and hang on. – David Temple of Fangraphs.com “Put Jason Motte’s Beard On It“
Its the truth. It even has it’s own Twitter account.
4) JON HAMM
So what, Jon Hamm isn’t a baseball player but I don’t care. He stunned at the Emmy’s with this salt and pepper face friend and that’s all that matters. Don Draper couldn’t pull that off at Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce, but hot damn, Jon Hamm sure can.
3) JOSH REDDICK – Outfielder (OAK)
This is another extremely impressive beard. Though the A’s were booted from the playoffs last night thanks to the Detroit Tigers, Reddick’s beard is still in full swing. Add a nordic hat, and you have a norseman. This beard needs some taming, but we’re totally okay with it because its all carefree in the life of an Oakland A, right?
2) BRIAN WILSON – Pitcher (LAD)
The originator of #FearTheBeard, you can just call him the BeardFather. I never was a huge fan of him when he was in SF (I actually never am a huge fan of any closers of the Giants, actually), so you can imagine I’m even less of a fan after his move to LA. I do have to admit though, his beard – though epic – is getting quite mangy.
His beard was great while he was in SF. But now that it has grown longer and he is in LA, it looks very unkept. Coincidence that those two facts coincide? You tell me. Nevertheless, I’ll always have a love for B Willy. One time I was chased down a street by a homeless person screaming “that’s Brian Wilson, everyone, that’s Brian Wilson!”. – Incredibeard on Wilson
1) THE BOSTON RED SOX
Whats better than growing out your own beard? Growing out your own beard with your friends and teammates. Nothing is better than this flock of furry faces.
Beards are no longer reserved for the Brooklyn hipster who drinks only craft beer in his Williamsburg loft. Nor are beards solely for the lumberjacks of America. They’re slowly but surely taking over the faces of our clean shaven men, and for the most part… we’re totally okay with it.