It’s Fall. And white girls everywhere have been shitting bricks about the abundance of Pumpkin spice everything. Don’t get me wrong, I do love Fall – honestly, what person doesn’t? The foliage, the colors, the ambiguous weather patterns. But like everything in life, there are some aspects that make Fall… well, less than ideal.
Pumpkin Spice Shit
PRO and CON. Use the abbreviation, PSL and I will personally pour my soy latte all over your abbreviatin’ ass. At the Starbucks I frequent by Bryant Park, a chick told the barista, “I’ll have a grande PSL”. I assure you, saying “pumpkin spice latte” will not be that much of a hassle. Also, if I’m getting coffee, I’m getting a caffeine fix. Not an overdose of sugar/pumpkin spice (what’s in it anyways?), it does nothing for me. Though I am not a fan of pumpkin spice coffee (I’m looking at you too Dunkin Donuts), pumpkin muffins/baked goods I can get behind. Also, Trader Joes has a variety of Pumpkin Spice offerings (all grouped together so your PS loving self can go nuts)… definitely suggest their Country Pumpkin Spice Granola. The raisins in it make you feel like you’re eating something slightly healthy.
PRO and CON. My wardrobe is composed primarily of oversized sweaters because
you dont have to wear a bra under them that’s how I roll. Sweaters are my favorite because its an excuse to look frumpy, yet put together. The only CONs here, are that girls often think that wearing leggings with a sweater that does not cover their ass is acceptable in public. It’s not. While I sometimes refuse to be a real person and wear real pants in public, its common knowledge that should you wear leggings, your ass should be appropriately covered. Another CON? Its sweater weather. Given the choice, I’d rather be sweater-less.
PRO. Definite pro. There is nothing bad about this. Leather on men and women alike looks great. There is no counter argument. Done.
PRO and CON. CON – those sad, sorry, smelly bundles of suede and fur on your feet you call Uggs, are not boots. Uggs come out during Fall. They are hideous and UGGly. Stop it. Other than those monstrosities, boots are great. A good pair of boots can make or break a look.
PRO. I absolutely appreciate a well dressed man. Fall separates the men from the boys, in that the season gives a lot for guys to work with.
PRO. Coming from California, where for the most part, the difference between the four seasons is very minimal and the weather is a steady range between 60-70 degrees year-round, I really appreciate the beauty of Fall. Foliage, blah blah blah. Everyone in this hemisphere knows how lovely Fall weather is. For me, I love it because its a nice, temperate easing into the frigid fucking fiend the East Coast calls Winter. The weather gods are like, “I’m slowly going to take away your happiness, that is Summer, then ease you into a deep depression that is Winter”. Like, f**k you, weather gods… but thanks for Fall (passive aggressive smiley face emoji if there ever was one). Whatever. I’m done talking about the weather.
CON. If you know me, you know that Halloween is quite possibly my least favorite Holiday. My best friend will text me every year, “Are you going to be a black cat AGAIN?”. The answer is, and always will be YES (although possible plans of being Big and Little Edie from Grey Gardens with a friend seem promising this year). But I’m just not a fan. Last year I didn’t celebrate Halloween because, well, Hurricane Sandy. And the year before that it randomly snowed, so heyy! another excuse not to celebrate! This year, considering I have to move out of my apartment and into a new one by November 1st, I highly doubt I will be celebrating. But, Dia De Los Muertos, now thats an obscure holiday I can totally get behind. Plus, candy skull tattoos are cool, so there’s that.
PRO and CON. The only CON here is gaining a fuckton of weight from eating. I obviously have no self-control whatsoever. Other than that, there is no way you can dislike Thanksgiving. Family, friends, food, fowl… filling? fornication (just kidding). But seriously. Other than Christmas, this is my favorite holiday to be with family. My family hasn’t had a Thanksgiving in our house for the past few years (San Diego and the past two years in NYC), but being able to share a few days together, no matter where, is fantastic.
PRO. I’m a quarterback kinda girl (actually I don’t know any chick who lusts after a tight end, linebacker or a defensive back), and seeing the pretty mugs of Luck, Brees, Manning (baby Manning, of course) and Rodgers, every Sunday ain’t a bad thing (No, I do not find you attractive, nor good Kaepernick – sorry, not sorry). Moreover, this is a guarantee that any given sports bar will be packed with drunk, possibly eligible bachelors – for the most part – if you’re into that kind of thing. Everybody wins here, in the hypothetical sense.
PRO and CON. This is not an advertisement / I’m not getting any discounts for posting this. But how can you not LOVE seamless?! Order online and have it delivered to my door? Why yes please! Seamless is especially important during the Fall and Winter when everyone is too cold to go out to eat or buy groceries. It both encourages and enables you to be a lazy, fat f**k. Which is why this can also be a huge CON. The calories you burn walking downstairs to your buildings door and back up, to grab your comida from the delivery man, will not negate the calories you consume while eating your General Tso’s Dinner Special with a side of sauteed broccoli (because that’ll make it healthy, right?).
PRO. Cheers to being festive, seasonally appropriate and slightly alcoholic!
PRO and CON. This year’s Fall TV lineup is pretty good. Mindy Kaling and Rebel Wilson boast hilarious shows for the “Oh this is on, might as well watch it” TV go-ers. But more importantly, The Walking Dead, Modern Family, and Homeland are back on. So many shows, so little time. The only CON? Dana from Homeland because oh my good god she is just the actual worst. Definite CON. Along with picking which Sunday night TV show to watch.
So now that I’ve laid it all out, we can stop talking about how much you LOOOOOVEEEE FALL! We all do. We get it. Just stop.