Go Home Cosmo You’re Drunk!: Creative First Date Ideas (You Obviously SHOULDN’T Do)

In this installation of Go Home Cosmo You’re Drunk! We look at Cosmo’s SUPER AWESOME SUPER SEXY SUPER FLIRTY Creative First Date IdeasOhh wow! Super creative and super sexy and super cute! RIGHT?!

Nahh dude. You Can Kiss My Sass here to tell you that these Creative First Date Ideas are bad ideas. Because first of all, you should keep it simple on the first date. Why? Yeah, youre trying to impress each other, but at the same time, you’re still trying to figure out if you want to see this person or not on a regular basis. Why waste the thought and money if there is no potential for a second date? Think about it. Those writers over at Cosmo are clearly some idealists.

Ride Around

When the weather’s warm, try taking a bike ride outside your city and having lunch in the next town over. Better yet? Pack a picnic and eat al fresco.

I dare you and your CUTIE to try this one without eating the pavement. Double. Dog. Dare. You.

Have you ever biked in the city? I’m less afraid of being hit by a car/taxi in NYC than I am afraid of getting hit by a biker. Now with Citibike, everyone with a bit of cashmoney in their pockets and two legs can ride a bike anywhere they damn well please in the city (including myself). No one wants to ride a bike in the city with a romantic partner. Its frightening. And if youre one of those law abiding citizens who wears helmets on their bikes, good luck with that on a date. You know whats not cute? Helmet head. Sweaty, helmet head. Not cute. Also, picnics are so passe. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

ALTERNATIVE: Forget the bikes and go to a biker bar. You want to test a man’s character? Put him in the most insanely uncomfortable setting. Also, picnics? No. Its called a liquid lunch.

Hot for Teacher

Cooking classes are all the rage, so why not take one that involves making dessert with a blow torch, then marvel at your newfound skills over wine after? Smokin’ hot.

Google Image Search: “Couples Cooking Class”. Go ahead. BECAUSE REALLY? IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO STIR A POT?!

It’s all fun and games until someone’s finger gets cut off, or face gets lit on fire. But seriously, there WILL NOT be a second date once he realizes you can’t cook for shit and your chocolate souffle looks like a turd in comparison to everyone elses’ masterpieces. Then the blame game comes: YOU didn’t set the timer. No, YOU didn’t add enough flour, etc. Another flaw here, “marvel at your newfound skills over wine after”… I’d opt for a cooking class where wine is served and consumed DURING the class. Pshhhht, make me hold out until after class. RUDE.

ALTERNATIVE:  Make him cook for you. Better yet, stay at home and watch Paula Deen’s cooking show, get the munchies and order in. Doesn’t it just sound more appealing? ESPECIALLY HER LASAGNA SANDWICH EPISODE! To clarify: I would never, but still, if this doesn’t want to make you eat your hand, then I don’t know what does. Woman can make anything edible. Also, getting wine drunk is imperative. Drink loads of red wine and wake up disgustingly hung over because red wine does that to you.

Snow Bunny

If you live near the slopes, enjoy an afternoon of skiing or snowboarding, then refuel with burgers in the ski lodge. End the date with your feet by the fire and a warm drink in your hands.

You know whats not fun? Being cold.

Perhaps its because I’ve never been a winter sports kind of gal, but in terms of snowboarding or skiing, being cold, wearing layers – so that you resemble a shapeless blob – and falling on your ass countless times  is just not appealing to me. Nothing is cute about being cold. Especially when you’re so cold you don’t even feel your snot running out of your nose. But hey, if we’re talking about “warm”, alcoholic drinks, then maybe you can convince me.

ALTERNATIVE: If its cold out, don’t go the fuck outside. I will not volunteer to go out in the cold. So brew me some fresh cider and we’ll call it a day.

Who’s Got Game?

Bring your competitive edge by going to an arcade, fair, or boardwalk to indulge in some gaming Olympics: Best out of five competitive events wins. Then, the winner gets a giant toy bought with your combined tickets.

Oh dear God, if she only knew how many carnivals that thing has been to…

“Who’s Got Game”, you ask Cosmo?  Well neither you, nor your man if your first date is to play games all day. And no, the “giant toy” is not the winners prize. It’s simply the consolation prize of having had a bad date full of germ infested arcade games, carnie booths, and hot dogs. Let’s be real here. Okay, go ahead… call me a snob.

ALTERNATIVE: Have a drinking contest. Because those, and sports games are the only places where competition is necessary. For everything else you’re just pretending to give a shit.

Map It

Play tourist in your own city: Pick a landmark neither of you have been to, then spend the afternoon or evening checking it out and exploring the gift shop.

Seemed like a good idea at the time…

No. Every New Yorker does not want to “play tourist”. Tourists are nightmares. So are gift shops.

ALTERNATIVE: Like any practical person who is taking someone out in public to impress them and get to know them and wine them and dine them – HAVE A PLAN AND FOLLOW THROUGH. Jesus Christ, Cosmo. This sounds like the worst idea ever.

Shall We Dine?

Turn a typical dinner date into an adventure by having what’s called a “progressive dinner,” where you enjoy your appetizers, entrees and desserts all at different places. Yum!

There’s no relevance of this picture except the fact that its a couple having a dinner date. Also, can we talk about how theyre sharing ONE plate? SMH.

HA! Yeah, just tell the 5th waiter you encounter that night that you guys are having a “progressive dinner” and will just be ordering $3 tapas. Also, with the antiquated (might I add, dumb) first date rule of splitting checks 50/50, how is that supposed to go? Also, dinner dates – especially first date dinner dates – are for sitting down and getting to know each other. How are you supposed to do that whilst changing venues every course? For the love of a gastronomically inclined god, I just want to sit my fatass down and eat. Don’t make me work for my food.

ALTERNATIVE: Have drinks, dinner and dessert in one place. And even coffee too. Why make things complicated?

Must Love Dogs

If you’re both into animals, head over to the local animal shelter to walk some adorable pooches while bonding over stories about your childhood pets. Adorbs.

Contrary to this istock photo, TWO PEOPLE CANNOT HOLD THE LEASH AT THE SAME TIME! Its stupid.

First of all, yes, Cosmo used “adorbs” and my gag reflux was just activated. It is my understanding that anyone who uses “adorbs” does not understand what their role in life is. Second of all, there’s no way of telling whether a person is a dog person or a cat person (if the latter, then its a deal breaker and GOODBYE FIRST DATE!) Anyways, fact of the matter is, most local animal shelters don’t let you just check out a poochie and walk it. They make you do x amount hours of training, screen you, etc. Like, its really not that easy Cosmo. Buzzkill? When you do come back from your dog walk and find that Fido is x amount of days from being euthanized because its one of those shelters, so YOU SHOULD ADOPT HIM. You either walk out with a new pet, or an extremely depressing date. Either way, its not what you bargained for, lets be real. Also, bringing up childhood pets is a touchy subject. Maybe you shouldn’t open that door yet. Jesus Christ its only the first date for fuckssake!

ALTERNATIVE: Sit at a cafe and people watch and judge people by their dogs / judge their dogs. That ones cute. That ones ugly, but so is its owner. Ugly. Cute. Ugly. Ugly.

Do yourself a major favor and ditch the Cosmo advice. FIrst dates are supposed to be about getting to know the other person, not the intricate plan you have. Plans are for prudes.

Just remember, to KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid).

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