As of late I’m having a real hard time getting into the holiday spirit. It’s the 23rd for fuckssake and I barely finished my Christmas shopping. Oh well. If you’re anywhere up my alley and feeling anything remotely similar to what I am, here are some ways that can help you get into that good old holiday spirit.
December means Home Alone 1,2,3,4 will be running on a loop on any given family channel. You can bet your jolly ass on that. Become a couch potato for a day and watch Macaulay Culkin in his like 5 year old prime and then ponder on what the effect of fame brings to child movie stars. Pity Macaulay Culkin. He was a cute kid. If the Home Alone franchise aint your thang, tune into ABCFamily and watch those godawful Christmas/seasonal movies they play with has been actors and scenes and scripts that make you cringe and gag on your peppermint cookies. Sorry, I don’t want to see Melissa Joan Hart be a desperate artist/ spinster and kidnap a dude to bring home for Christmas (see Holiday in Handcuffs – and no. It’s not kinky). But if that your cup of eggnog- then have at it. Also, the holiday time also brings a disproportionate amount of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings marathons. Why? I don’t know.
Basically any drink involving cinnamon, cranberries, etc. is “festive”. Make your own sparkling charleston cosmopolitan, hot buttered rye, Mississippi Bourbon punch, eggnog, apple ail wassail, spiced wine, or a gingerbread martini. Or for the gift that keeps giving, throw together a bowl of holiday punch (recipe courtesy of Martha Stewart)
- 2 cups chilled pomegranate juice
- 1 cup chilled cranberry juice
- 8 ounces (1 cup) vodka – Lets be real. This is punch with a PUNCH goddssake Martha! Let that vodka pour.
- 8 ounces (1 cup) Cointreau or other orange-flavored liqueur
- 1 cup chilled club soda
- 1/2 cup fresh lemon juice (from 6 lemons)
- 1/2 cup Simple Syrup
Go to your local holiday craft fair
Peruse the crafty gifts. Look at the prices. Decide you can do it on your own. Leave….
Try to make gifts/recipes off of Pinterest
Unless youre really desperate and trying to get into that holiday spirit, I wouldn’t suggest this because YOU WILL NEVER LIVE UP TO PINTEREST PERFECT PICTURES. Yeah, that apple cinnamon crumb pie looks beautiful and decadent. Not so much when it comes out of YOUR oven. Who made that shit? Sandra Lee? Some motherfucking professional baker out there to give me high hopes that the common Pinterest-er can make a beautiful pie like that. Assholes. That mason jar craft (because mason jars are so in right now)? The picture didn’t show how MESSY AS FUCK everything gets. The glitter, the paint… WTF is a glass etcher? Youre kidding me Pinterest. Realize Pinterest is only good for looking at pretty pictures, not for attempting them. Decide your better off buying your gifts than DIYing it.
Take a trip down your local candy cane lane
Not suggested if your an epileptic. Its a festive thing. Get blinded by the lights – ponder the high energy bills, excess, and the answer to the question, “did we over do it a little bit?”
Go to / host an ugly sweater party
Spend more time deciding if your ugly sweater is funny and ironic enough. Like is this ugly? But not too ugly? Like does it make me look ugly?
Be sure to read up on YCKMS’ Holiday FAQ to figure out how to answer those pesky holiday questions someone in your family is bound to ask you. These coping mechanisms are also handy as well –
For when you have no real answer to the question and need a last ditch resort.
- self reflexion: “WHY DON’T YOUUU HAVE A JOB? HUH?”
- use the house pet: “Fido looks hungry…. Are you hungry Fido? We’ll continue this conversation later, I’m going to give that dog a bone.”
- drink: Down your drink, “Oh, I’m empty. Time for another! Can I get you another pour?”
- food: Best way to avoid talking is to stuff your mouth with hors d’oeuvres. The time it takes you to chew and swallow the three pigs in a blanket you just stuffed in your mouth, your interrogator will probably move onto their next victim or forget they even asked a question.
- kitchen: Pretend you’re trying to be useful, “Oh so-and-so probably needs help in the kitchen. I’ll be right back!”
- answer with a question: “Why don’t I have someone special? Well… the question is, where did you get that lovely necklace?” Because everyone likes talking about themselves give the chance.
- avoidance: You know who is bound to ask annoying questions. Avoid the shit out of them.
May the force be with you.