My apologies for the lack of blogposts lately. I’ve been busy graduating college, traveling, and trying to find a job. But the thing about [f]unemployment means I have a lot of free time on my hands whether I like it or not. When I’ve exhausted my cleaning and laundry and cooking duties, and have spent as many hours at the gym as humanly possible, I often find myself on the couch watching Bravo and other shit on TV.
It began with my 5 hr flight back to NYC from SFO. One of the very many perks of flying Virgin America is that E! is a channel available throughout the flight. So I found myself watching – all 5 hours worth – every episode of #RichKids of Beverly Hills. By the time we began our descent into JFK, I started feeling disgusted… maybe even lightheaded with the idiocy I was witnessing on my personal TV. But I guess I expected it — filthy rich twenty-somethings in Beverly Hills crying because they have no substance to them but their money. To sum up, here are the most ridiculous, obnoxious things I heard on the show:
“I’ve become obsessive with [Instagram]. If somebody doesn’t like my photo, it’s ruined my entire day, because I feel like it’s an entire plot to not like my photo on purpose.”
I can imagine you believe the world revolves around you in that sense. When someone doesn’t like my photo on Instagram I just chalk it up to the fact that THEY HAVE A LIFE!
“I don’t do fetish. If any guy tells me, ‘I love Asian girls,’ it’s done.”
This may be the only, single relatable thing ever said on this show thus far.
“The number one rule of caviar etiquette is, don’t be the person that goes, ‘Ew, what’s that?’”
Because, naturally, there are rules to caviar etiquette.
“When Saachi spilled sangria on my marigold yellow velvet Chanel boy bag and satin Charlotte Olympia shoes, I kind of freaked out initially.”
There’s so much unnecessary detail there that its sad that she thinks we actually care.
“I’ve never opened my own bottle of wine before… Why do we need to know how to open our own wine when there’s always a sommelier?”
THIS IS ABSURDLY RIDICULOUS! I’m sure every woman out there can relate to the fact that opening your own bottle of wine is not only a regular, weekly, thing, but also should be listed under your Skills section on your LinkedIn profile. When wine openers aren’t available I’ve been able to MacGyver the shit out of a wine cork with nothing but a fork, or a knife, or anything that can double as a spear. Fuck your sommelier! I don’t need anyone to tell me anything about my wine except that it is cheap and it will get me drunk. I don’t need anyone to pour my own glass as I like my pours full – just like I like my stomach…
“Ninety percent of the people we know have had a needle in their face.”
I also assure you 90% of everyone they know is fake.
“Walking from Barney’s up Rodeo is cardio.”
Girl, you know whats cardio? GETTING A JOB.
And I thought my classmates who would give blood to get out of class were being selfish… This chick arranges a posh blood drive to give back to her community (Beverly Hills? Really?) but it really doubles as a social event to show your face at if your worth (literally worth) anything. One of the girls finally gets convinced to give blood because she thinks it will make her 10lbs lighter… What has the world come to?
Am I bitter because I can’t convince my parents to drop $4million on a luxury apartment for me? Or maybe its because I can only handle watching chicks taking selfies on TV for so long… Whatever the reason, of course I’m insanely jealous I can’t shit bricks of gold like these kids (KIDS THEYRE KIDS! SOME NOT EVEN 20!) do, but at least I can find happiness in more than just a Celine bag (but goddamn that would make me pretty happy too).
For more ridiculously lavish lifestyle reading be sure to check out one member of the show, Morgan Stewart’s blog – Loubs & Boobs… Its full of beautiful complaints like “asshole injuries” (she sat down too hard on her spin bike, duh), SmartWater detoxes, not going to Barneys one day, going to COSTCO (HEAVEN FORBID DISCOUNTS IN BULK!), a “bad face day”, running out of makeup wipes, and headaches from prescription Tom Ford sunglasses. We feel for you, Morgan. We really do.