Go Home Cosmo, You’re Drunk!: How to Rock the Perfect Online Dating Profile (Pic)

It’s seriously debatable whether we should follow Cosmo’s advice to “Rock the Perfect (Online Dating) Profile Pic“. Hey COSMO, am I doing it right?!

Star in a Photo Shoot

Schedule a fun evening of snapping photos and sipping cocktails to get in the mood to attract your new potential boyfriend. Julie suggests taking at least 100 photos and letting your girlfriends help you decide which to use.
photoshoot
The only appealing thing about that is the “sipping cocktails part”. WHO SIPS COCKTAILS. ALCOHOL IS MADE TO BE DRUNK/DRANK? NOT SIPPED.

Pass on Flash

Flash (be it cellphone or otherwise) adds seven years to your profile pic. Who needs that? Answer: NO ONE. Natural light – and more specifically afternoon light – makes for better pictures.
Good God COSMO! Thanks for the helpful hint! You’re right! I would HATE to look 7 years older! NO FLASH EVER!

Color Yourself Excited

Love the little black dress? So does everyone else. If you want to stand out in the crowded digital playing field, toss the LBD aside and wear a bright colored top or dress to catch his eye. Some favorite colors are red or hot pink, both colors associated with love and passion, Julie says.
THIS IS JUST A STUPID PIECE OF ADVICE. NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING is wrong with wearing neutrals and black instead of colors. No picture needs to qualify this – mostly because my entire wardrobe consists of nudes, neutrals and black. Moreover, RED and PINK?! Are you trying to make me look REPULSIVE Cosmo?! Whats your deal here? I would NEVER be caught wearing RED or PINK! Vomit.

Consider The “MySpace Angle”

You know the shot—the universally-maligned “MySpace Angle” selfie is achieved by holding your camera above your head and being just so darn coy. But in terms of getting new messages, Sam reveals that the MySpace shot is the single most effective photo type for women. (Better, in fact, than straight-up boob pics!)

Just trynna find the right angle...
Just trynna find the right angle…

Whoever said this was an attractive angle lied. I don’t know who this “Sam” is that Cosmo quotes, but “Sam” (whether Sam is male or female) is lying to our strategically angled faces!

Skip the Shades

Feeling mysterious? That’s fine, but if you’re wearing sunglasses, your dream guy might think you’re hiding something. Julie’s rule: Your profile photos should show your glamorous smile along with your sparkling eyes.
I want to be as mysterious as I want COSMO. I’m not hiding anything. My dream guy would understand. Sometimes you just take a fantastic looking picture where you’re looking like a 10 and just happen to be wearing sunglasses. SO BE IT. My dream guy would get it.

Don’t Just Smile, Flirt

“At OkCupid, our data reveals that a woman actually gets the most messages by flirting directly into the camera,” Sam says. Think less cheesy pose, more natural come-hither to the lens.
Like, what if I can’t flirt with the camera Cosmo?! THEN WHAT? WHAT IF IM NOT A NATURAL FLIRTER!? Sometimes cheesy works, okay!?

The Fab Five

Julie says: The magic number of profile photos to post is three to five. Posting a huge album of 30 photos belongs on Facebook, not on your dating profile. Any less than three, he may become suspicious, and wonder what you really look like today.
What if I have more than five different looks, Cosmo? What if I need 7 pictures to fully show my entire personas and best outfits? Huh? What do you suggest then?

The Boob Tube

Like the Ab Shot for men, the Cleavage Shot is very successful, drawing 12.9 new contacts per month, or 49 percent more than average, Sam shares. But Julie cautions against overdoing it, saying, “Nix the bathing suit photos, as it’s the same as lingerie with a different material. Show just a little cleavage to look flirty.”
Excuse me? Julie, who are you?! Certainly not a friend to the feminists! No on the boobie shots girls. Cleavage does not equal flirty.

Mix It Up

Variety may be the spice of life in the bedroom or on a date. That theory holds true in your online dating profile pic. Julie advises different looks, from jeans and casual to a more dressed up style, so your potential beau can picture you as his plus-one for a daytime outing or a festive party. Keep the corporate look for Linkedin, as he’s not looking for a business associate while he’s scrolling through photos.
Jesus Christ Cosmo, we’re already talking about spicing up the bedroom? Ugh. I have two looks, the one where I actually try to be a presentable human being, and the one where…who cares.

Be Cool, Baby

The value of being conversation-worthy, as opposed to merely sexy, cannot be overstated, Sam says. A shot of you playing a guitar or skiing moguls— even if you can’t see your face—does help. It demonstrates a lot about you and your personality.
So I’ll just hire a picture of myself skydiving, since I’ll never in my right mind do that voluntarily. Or maybe I can get a picture in there of me posing with a guitar?

Fly Solo

You may be the life of the party, but Julie suggests ditching the group photos. You won’t want to confuse your potential new boyfriend when he looks at a group of six girls in the photo. Your online dating profile pictures must be all about you! That means, no photos with your favorite male cousin and most definitely no photos with an arm hanging over your shoulder.
But my forte is cutting out my friends out of pictures so its just me…

UPDATE YOUR PROFILE

According to a study done by Wired, they have supposedly found certain words used in a dating profile typically refer to a person’s level of attractiveness. Biggest find: men and women who go against the grain of gender norms/stereotypes are typically more popular or generally more “attractive”.

Mentioning “surf”/”surfing” yields attractiveness for men and women.

MY SELF SUMMARY:

Apparently breaking out of the gender role is more attractive to online suitors. DID SOMEONE SAY ANDROGYNY IS IN (FINALLY)?! Wired cites a few examples where going against the grain is better: Men who mention “my children” and “craft” rank extremely high in attractiveness compared to women mentioning the same words. Women, on the other hand, mentioning “electronics” are ranked more attractive then their counterparts mentioning the same words in their profiles.

WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE:

Statistically more attractive men and women use the following words like surfing, London, NYC, athlete, the ocean, yoga and skiing. Also, men mentioning “retirement” are ranked as most attractive, compared to women mentioning “retirement” which ranks the second-least attractive.

FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, FOODS:

Presumably being more high brow means being more attractive. Homeland ranks highest on the attractive level, and mentioning the band Radiohead is probably the best thing you can do to up the ante on your profile.

No one mentions “rump” as being attractive…

BODY TYPE:

Here’s the kicker guys. Time to get a little vain here.
Gay men– You may think your eyes and maybe even your legs are your best features. However, all that matters to your suitors really are your arms and your chest.
Straight men– While you probably think your baby blues are the best thing about you, all women care about is your stomach/abs and your chest.
Straight women- Apparently we all think our eyes are prettiest too, however, all men care about are our stomach, arms, butt, and even our feet (weird).
Lesbians- You may think your eyes and lips are the only thing you’ve got going for you. Luckily, ladies tend to like the whole package – mostly your legs, stomach and butt.

There, I feel like I’ve dissected a whole cow now.

Happy dating y’all.

You have 9 days to get a Valentines Day date or self-combust (just kidding).
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