A Misanthrope’s Guide to February 14th (eye roll)

There’s a good chance your single and date-less on February 14th… the day everyone loves to hate. Whether you have a significant other in your life or not, most people hate the godawful day because its full of pretentiousness, cheesiness, and expectations. YCKMS is pretty anti-Valentines Day , but incase you’re single and searching for things to do this Friday, here are some suggestions:

Go on a date.

Obviously this is geared towards the couple who has been together for more than a month or so. If you really want to get balls-y, ask out that guy you’ve only been seeing for a few weeks and see what happens (he will probably avoid you at all costs). But hey, more points to you balls-y chick. Just ignore the fact that its the day for lovers and not friends. Also, coupled or not, going out to dinner may be the most vomit inducing thing you can do all day (and restaurants are packed), so maybe avoid dinner or check out GrubStreet’s list of NYC Restaurants where business will be as usual (not that pre fixe shit).

Get physical.

Get your mind out of the gutter. Go to a shooting range or something or do some extreme physical activity – Crossfit? Take out all that angst of being single in the most aggressive way possible. After you’ve sweat your ass off, pop on to your local liquor store for a bottle of wine. The best thing is wine after a day of working out (counterintuitive, I know, but who cares!).

Go drinking.

Go out with your friends, buddies, and make yourself sick by seeing couples together portraying their utmost love for each other while you express your love for your homies by your side. Get drunk. Or drink by yourself too I guess: Take a shot anytime you self-loathe or complain about being single. Drink your entire drink when you stalk an ex on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter to see what their V-Day plans are. Drown yourself in alcohol if you literally have nothing else better to do than wallow in self pity on Valentines Day.

Do’s and Don’ts for couples going out on 2/14:

    • DON’T order oysters because you heard they’re an aphrodisiac and you and your s.o. are so into that (gag)
    • DO order oysters because they’re discounted for 50c/oyster. And they go well with white wine. I’m all about that.

 

    • DON’T try to be cute and wear red/pink. True story one time I saw a girl wearing a head band with hearts as the antler things. Ugh.
    • DO wear whatever the fuck you want. Skin tight dresses are unnecessary when you’re getting laid that night anyways.

 

    • DO make a dinner reservation if you’re planning on going out 2/14 with your s.o.
    • DON’T show up late to your reservation. Valentines Day is literally the worst day to try to get a table anywhere so chances are, your table will be gone.

 

    • DON’T hold hands during dinner all night and stare into the black abyss of each other’s souls. People do that. It’s weird.
    • DO put your phone away at the dinner table.

 

    • DON’T stand up your date. Or show up late and keep them waiting. Goes without saying really.
    • DO be prompt. It’s polite. Prompt = polite. I’m looking at both guys and girls here.

 

    • DON’T sit on one side of the table. Thats cheesy. Like, do you need to be attached at the hip? Theres a whole other side of the table.
    • DO speak at proper decibels in a restaurant. I get that you may or may not be tipsy from the glass of champagne but bring it down a notch.

 

    • DON’T order the prix fixe if you aint gonna eat it all. There are starving children in Africa that would eat that Kale salad and bone marrow!
    • DO order the prix fixe and completely stuff yourself and eat every bit of it. You dropped a pretty penny on that and you paid for it so it aint goin to waste!

 

Here’s to your everlasting happiness and love that you apparently only show to each other one dreadful day out of the year. CHEERS!
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